Hey friend! Whats going on? Care to share?Happy to hear that ur timers are still moving forward! Thats huge, especially if ur not feeling that great emotionally. We are here for u!
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I was also strugglin with Feelings today.
You are Not Alone. You matter. Dont let Bad Emotions beat you down.
In this moments i reflect myself. Yesterday i Beat my craving for Weed and alcohol. I put the negative Energy Into my Workout.
I Believe in you my friend 
Together we beat this bad feelings.
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63 days PMO-free
14 days smoke-free
The nightmares and night sweats have returned. My heart aches. It’s a numbing achiness; the kind that feels unreal. A deep pressure. Like having a tooth extracted after a shit of buvipacaine. It doesn’t hurt, it just feels uncomfortable.
Last night, I had a dream so realistic that while hypnopompic, I thought I had to reset my timers! The Herculean effort it took to not only ground and orient myself, but also to fact check while still in a sleep state exerted a lot out of me.
Yet, in my hypnopompia, I was fully convinced that I was going to sign up for hookup apps. That’s not who I am! I didn’t have any hesitation whatsoever. I am not a cheater! I have been physically faithful ever since I’ve met her. Sure, I would try to meet guys…even when I was just friends with her… but I couldn’t go through with the date. I felt this immense guilt; as if I were betraying her.
I once hung out with a female friend who was my age. She was in an art class we shared at a community college. I picked up some of Jo’s favorite ice cream while I was out and brought it back to her. Mind you, I was openly gay at the time. She freaked out that I was on a date and that the ice cream was a “guilt offering”. She didn’t eat it. She threw it out. Years later, I thought: “omg it was a date!”
No. No, it was never a date.
That’s how emotional manipulators work, how they can get away with shit. She eventually convinced me it was a date, that I was unfaithful (even though we weren’t at all dating), and that the girl was cheating on her boyfriend by going out with me! I 
believed it and felt such shame. Deep, impenetrable shame.
I am grieving the loss of my brother. Grieving hard. I am also experiencing a profound loneliness. It’s the kind that would’ve driven me to suicide before. Luckily, I am safe! It’s because I have hope that one day, and only God knows when, I’ll escape from underneath her thumb. One day I can be out and proud again. One day I can have joy and not feel guilty because I feel happy when I should grieve over her multifarious medical problems that randomly show up.
My mom had food poisoning the other day. Not even 5 minutes after finding out, Jo ran to the bathroom violently ill. She hasn’t left the house for days and definitely didn’t eat at the same restaurant. 
I’m used to this. 16 years of this! I made a joke the next day that I needed to let her know Mom was feeling better so she could get off the couch. I called her bluff that morning…
I said: oh, my Love, you look bad! Almost yellow. Oh my goodness, you look rough.
She looked offended for a split second and then remembered and then had an anguished face.
I am grieving alone.
I hardly hear from my Italian pen pal anymore. The two young dads I chat with occasionally have 4 kids and careers. I asked. They are fulfilled and happy. Which makes me feel more isolated and alone.
I am not well. I’m not close to being well.
I’ve missed church these past couple of weeks.
I wanted to volunteer at a Protestant relief center. They didn’t want me, although I signed their stupid solar scriptura volunteer agreement, because I’m Catholic.
The Catholic Church has many, many, many times denied me helping because since I have same sex attraction, I cannot be in any public ministry (even passing out food to the homeless!) not to mention my facial piercings and tattoos. (I love my Catholic faith and not converting to anything else. Trust me. I’m not Catholic for the people! )
I’m trying to get plugged into my community and there are closed doors. I swear I’m cursed! Do I have a mark on my forehead where I can’t be enough?! Am I marked like Cain? Never to be touched but also set apart from the rest?
I’m too Christian for the LGBTQ community here. Too gay for the Christian community. I am alone. This isn’t perceived. This isn’t a false narrative. I’ve tried to challenge it, I’ve tried to change my circumstances by putting myself out there. Piercings or no, tattoos or no, it’s the same result!
I remembered my dad told me once, when I was a skinny little Twink, after I joked I’d work a pole for money: you can’t sell what you can’t give away. I was crushed because it was true. And I had youth and looks then!
I’m profoundly sad. I was tempted to nose dive back into my addictions today. It was more than a passing thought. It was a plan. I figured: what’s the point of extending my health? To be alone longer? What’s the point of abstaining from porn when at least I can feel a synthetic belonging to someone. These are fallacious thoughts. Therefore, I haven’t succumbed to them.
I’m told that I am enough for God. That I have His friendship, yet where is the fruit of that with His people? I hope to foster a deeper connection with the men I talk to for an hour each Saturday morning. But, it is clear that it is theological and not personal. My Italian pen pal told me that I’m more invested in our relationship than he is…
I just want to be enough, and I no longer have pretty privilege… not that I had much of that before either!
Thank you @Butterflymoonwoman and @BackOnTheRoad for reaching out consistently. Your digital acquaintanceships are what’s keeping me strong right now. It’s helping me pretend like I’m not actually physically alone. I look forward to everyone’s messages and likes. I’ve been practically living on here for these last 2 weeks… you all are blessings. I hope you know that. Everyone on TS!
I’m going to distract myself with chores.
I hope everyone has a blessed day.
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I don’t have any wise advice, but I just want to let you know that I know that feeling of not fitting in so well. You are perfect, just they way you are 
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Aww! Du bist zu lieb! Ich verdiene deine Freundlichkeit nicht. Vielen dank!
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You deserve every little bit of it
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I just had an idea: Are there any choirs around where you live? Some choirs really don’t care who you are and what your sexual preferences are. It’s all about singing together.
I find singing together really healing and I feel connected through the music…
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That’s such a great idea!
But no one wants me to be on their choir. I sound like Scuttle from The Little Mermaid. 
That’s a beautiful idea though. I love it. Thank you!
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Thanks @DanielaJ for being there for me today. You’ve been a real comfort.
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Awe
Thanks, friend. That means a lot to me. I hope you feel better and more connected today. You are not alone in this 
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64 days PMO-free
15 days smoke-free
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So proud of you
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Fantastic work!! Ur killing it on ur timers!! 
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yeah he is strong
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I agree!!! 
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”But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.” Galatians 6:14
It is not I who is strong; it’s Christ in me who strengthens me and the Holy Spirit who emboldens me. I assure you that it’s not by my strength alone. I begged by the tears of Mary, sweat of Joseph, and the Blood of Jesus to be free of these addictions.
I am not strong by myself.
My PMO and smoking timers have been reset 90+ times for me to get here.
I’m a living testament that God’s merciful and forgiving even when I couldn’t be to myself.
I’m a living testament to always cling onto hope, even when everything feels hopeless.
And I’m a living testament that this is a daily discipline.
@Butterflymoonwoman you inspire me!
@BackOnTheRoad you inspire me!
We’re doing this together! We’re holding each other up. Sometimes with a purr, other times with a roar.
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65 days PMO-free
16 days smoke-free
I was tempted to buy cigarettes this morning. It was strange. I didn’t really want them, and I didn’t truly have a desire to smoke them. Yet, there it was—that thought—waving me over to join the dark side. It was tempting because the dark side usually has cookies. But, with Lent, I had to make an excuse to not join today. I then tried to figure out what I truly wanted: a hug.
So, I hugged myself. Not literally. By getting in the shower and pampering myself. I still need to pluck my eyebrows, but I’m slowly getting back into grooming myself (literally) like I used to.
I want to look in the mirror and say: ah! There I am. For its it’s been: Ahh! Who’s that?!
I had an appointment and was prescribed a PRN for my nightmares. I told her that I didn’t want it originally because they are teaching me about what I’m dealing with subconsciously. But, I relented and will pick up the prescription just in case I need respite from what the neopagans call “shadow work”.
I’m trying to call out everyone on here who makes a difference in my life. I know that it makes me feel good when I realize that I’ve made a difference, especially since I default to feeling useless. So, I want to share with others how much they mean to me. Even if it just an emoji or simple comment. However, I don’t want to bombard my posts with something akin to movie credits. That seems impersonal. If I haven’t got to you yet, it’s not personal, your time to shine is a-coming!
I wanted to get to the gym, but I have two appointments and then my Mom is probably going to try to monopolize the rest of my afternoon. I’ll give her 2-3 hours and then I’m tapping out. I need/want to get back to the gym. Next week I’m going to start the Couch to 5K.
I have never ran a mile in my life. It’s something that is important to me. I want to say that I ran a mile. Will I be like Forrest Gump and keep on running? I don’t know. Maybe. For now, I have a SMART goal and I’m going to stick to that.
Also, for years I have wanted to buy cowboy boots. I have not owned any for years. But, I made a promise to myself. I’d buy them for myself after I quit smoking. Then I wrestled with if I deserved that and spiraled through all sorts of theological reasons why that’s selfish. But, I then amended the promise: I will buy myself cowboy boots 6 months after I quit smoking, as a reward for a job well done and a pledge to remain smoke-free. So, for any of y’all that follow me…Come August/September…look out for my sober leg selfie with new boots! 
I hope you all know that you’re loved and very special to me.
Yours in the Most Holy Family,
Mark
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I love this plan for you!!! You can absolutely do it, Mark! Start walk/run for a few minutes, give yourself time to adjust. Please keep us updated, maybe on the runners‘ thread?
And I am sooooo proud you didn’t buy these cigarettes.
Since you needed a hug, prepare yourself for a big one, please:
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Yes, girl! I will.
And I’d hug you back but for some reason I can’t upload and gifs…
So…
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Thank you, friend. Hugs are always welcome.
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