67 days PMO-free
18 days smoke-free
Downloading update… 
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Hope you are good Had a bet sleep so i sleep ober They Day Stand Up in the evening 
Damn pmo scrolling again… then sleep wake Up every 20 mins… Smoking a Lot cigs, pmo sleep was a Bad night. This night get better i Hope
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68 days PMO-free
19 days smoke-free
Still going strong. I’ve been busy this past day-and-a-half. It’s been emotionally exhausting. Right now, I am going to get out and enjoy the weather before it (quickly) turns again. After a good night’s sleep, I have the emotional fortitude to placate Jo’s emotional traps. She tried to start shit with me last night, knowing I was physically and emotionally exhausted, and I kept calmly saying: I don’t want to talk about this tonight. I will explain and answer whatever you want in the morning. I kept saying over and over. She kept escalating so I said matter-or-factly: yes, I’ve been actively avoiding you.
She huffed and screamed and I quietly knitted. She eventually laid down in bed. Then she moved to the couch and stayed there all morning — knowing I have Saturday video calls. I chuckled because this level of pettiness I’m used to…
I just showered and had the call in the garage. 
Now I’m going to have a great day because the sun is out, it’s warm, and because I’m in control of me!
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Well… I ate too much today. I also didn’t get to the gym.
It thunderstormed today.
After literal decades of teaching my brain to sleep to a thunderstorm sleep machine, I 
passed out on the couch! 
2 hours later
So, my life has been pretty much been lived on the couch.
I ate an entire box of frosted mini wheats, and I’m not even sorry for that.
I’m also not sorry for the 5 feta stuffed olives.
But, I am beginning to regret the orange chicken and instant rice I had for dinner.
Did I need it? No.
Did I want it? Not really, no.
Was it delicious? Actually yes.
Did it have too much saturated fat and sodium? Also yes.
So, I’m going to drink a bunch of water before bed. I already get up a bunch to pee, I might as well wake up hydrated. Nothing worse than waking up and your lips are stuck to your gums and it feels like your face is curling back from the lack of water.
Instead of kicking myself today, I have justified it by today being a rest day. I didn’t really do anything laborious. So, although it’s the Lord’s Day tomorrow — I’m going to get back to it.
I need to defend these routines that keep me stable and sober.
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Since friday afternoon pmo Free again.
Now i am addict to Listen music 10 hours a Days 
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Yay!
I’m so glad you are back on track!
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Yes half in track 
still 
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2 MONTHS, 8 DAYS PMO-FREE
20 DAYS SMOKE-FREE
I’ve been thinking of how and when I can quietly leave. I cannot afford it right now. That’s why I have to pretend everything is okay. Yesterday, I assuaged her ego and feelings without lying or crossing any of my own boundaries. Although knowingly withholding information is a type of lie, but I won’t digress into moral philosophy.
The difficult thing is that she’s my rep payee. I’m going to the Social Security Office sometime this week to ask if it’s possible to quietly get her removed. That’s going to involve me turning off my GPS tracker on my phone. I haven’t thought of a good enough excuse that isn’t a blatant lie yet. As for her removal, she’s fiscally irresponsible as it is—which is good enough reason. But, the process of changing it is difficult. They will send her a letter with the request. Luckily I check the mail, but I’m not sure if they’ll email her, too.
I thought about going back to school so I can get a student loan check to help me leave. But, she’d know that I was withholding money. My Mom suggested I open an account at a credit union and start putting money in there.
This should be evidence enough that I can’t work! If I could work, my ass would be there every single day working overtime to escape. But I’m on a mental health disability for a reason. 
Which super sucks!
This is when I’d usually contemplate/plan s******. For years and years, I was so convinced that I couldn’t escape but moreover that I couldn’t live without her. I was fully convinced I owed her total devotion because she married such a worthless, piece-of-shit.
I haven’t felt like taking my life in many months!
Part of the reason is because I’m reclaiming myself.
Last night I had a very brief thought that this is hopeless, that I can’t afford to leave, and that I’ll never escape her physically or mentally.
It lasted less than a minute because I stopped myself. I interrupted my own thoughts. I reaffirmed that I can and will leave and heal. I took back control and started thinking about what I can do right now. And, that was a very empowering moment for me.
I told her yesterday morning that I haven’t masturbated to porn in over 2 months, and I haven’t smoked in 3 weeks—that I’m emotionally raw and vulnerable right now as a lot of compounded trauma is leaking through; and, I didn’t want to project any emotion or intent onto her. Which is true. I also told her that I cannot and will not be responsible for her “love tank”. I said that she needs to “find someone or something else to fill it up, because I cannot and won’t.”
She still refuses to make friends, or leave the house unless it coincides with plans I have made with family. She says her bimonthly therapy appointments will be enough until I’m able to again. I’ve known her almost 17 years. I’m starting to feel so mad at myself for not seeing that nothing has changed except for me.
I’m feeling very emotionally and physically drained. I’ve spent too much time around her. She’s like a dementor. Although I don’t want to do anything—I need to get to the gym and go to church. I haven’t been in a couple weeks.
I’ll claw my way out of this emotional state today.
I’ve got too much to do.
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I don’t have any good advice right now. I just want to let you know that you deserve healthy relationships and to live a free and self-determined life.
Can I help with anything?
Sending love and hugs 
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Girl, I don’t need advice…or really anything…from you other than your continued prayers and friendship.
I appreciate you so much!
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Awe
That makes my heart feel warm. I am here. You‘re not alone
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I have been using hard candy as a substitute for smoking, specifically suckers.
I haven’t had any and I ran out of sugar free lozenges this morning. I’ve been chewing on some gum; but it’s just not satisfying. I want that crunch.
I started thinking about smoking again and cringed. I don’t want to smoke. I want a damn sucker!
I realized I was behaving like a crackhead, except instead of searching for blow—I was fixing for a blow pop.
Now that I have them back in the house, all is right in the world.
I’ll worry about this burgeoning addiction later.
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70 days PMO-free
21 days smoke-free
I am excited I’ve reached three weeks without a cigarette. I’m almost through my 3’s for this portion of detoxing from nicotine.
3 days 
3 weeks
3 months
I begin my “step 3” patches tomorrow. Which means I have 2 more weeks of nicotine—then I’m done!
I’m trying not to kick myself for smoking on my 90th day nicotine-free!
It was understandable. And, although this is addict justification: smoking<suicide. I asked a couple mental health professionals who agreed I needed to stabilize before I quit again.
And here I am! 
I didn’t get to the gym yesterday. I kept falling asleep! It was so bizarre, I felt like a narcoleptic. Apparently I needed the sleep. I feel much better today than I did yesterday, so I’m assuming that was the case.
I want to get to the gym today, I wanted to do it this morning; but, I have to run my mom to two doctor appointments, I have therapy, and then I have a grief group I was planning on going to tonight with my sister. I’ll fit it in somewhere. It’s important to me.
I did manage to make all of my steps yesterday. While on an evening stroll, I contemplated how I have delivered Jo’s character to y’all. I felt bad. So, allow me the grace to amend some of what I’ve told you.
She isn’t a villain, evil, an enemy, nor a monster. She’s deeply broken. She was broken when I met her, then a year after that her only child died of an accidental overdose. That shattered what was already cracked. She was emotionally compromised even further. I look back and judge her only on loving me selfishly. She had the perspective of a middle-aged adult to know better, regardless of my late adolescent charm. I’ve had a rollercoaster of a time with her; and luckily I enjoy them. Looking back, I don’t have many regrets. The ones that I do have can easily be mended in therapy. Like, allowing myself to gain so much weight or not taking advantage of my joints while they still had warranty on them. But I haven’t regretted my life with her up to this point. It’s a part of the adventure that’s been my life. I’ve seen and experienced many beautiful things I wouldn’t have otherwise with her. Yet, if I stay under her thumb, I will regret it all as a life wasted.
Statistically speaking, since I’ll be turning 37 next month, I am at the middle of my life. And I see that I’ve been having a midlife crisis for this last year and a half. I’m learning how to reclaim myself, to discover who I’m meant to blossom into.
She’s not bad, just broken. And, I haven’t been able to mend her…she doesn’t want me to mend her. She wants me to mask her mental illness. I’ve come to realize that we haven’t actually, truly loved each other. We’ve been fondly using each other as LO’s. And, in order for me to heal—in order for her to heal if she wants it—we have to separate.
I just wanted to put that out there… I come here to vent because this is my safe space. So all you hear are the negative, albeit true, things. But there are many positive things about her, too.
We’re human.
Well, I’m going to start my day. I hope you all have a beautiful one!
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Congrats for your nic free achievement, that’s amazing! And thank you for sharing your personal story. You’re so kind and humble person that you deserve only the best. Blessings to your day!
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You’re too kind!
And I’m not nic-free yet. I was talking about last summer when I started smoking again.
I’ll be nic-free in about 2 weeks. 
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Ah, okay! My bad. But you’re doing really well, keep it going!
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71 days PMO-free
22 days smoke-free
This morning I started the last step of nicotine patches. These things are comically small. They’re a little bigger than pimple patches! I couldn’t help but laugh; and honestly, what a wonderful way to start any day.
I haven’t been to the gym in a couple of days. My mom has monopolized my days, and despite setting and trying to defend boundaries, I wasn’t in a position to follow through. Yet, I have her car this morning. Mwahaha!
All she can do is text and call. 
Sucks to suck.
So now I can get back to my morning routine. I’m starting a Novena to Saint Joseph today. If you’d like me to pray for something specific for the next 9 days, message me your requests!
I’ve been having “ugly days”. Where regardless of what I do, I still feel monstrously ugly. Typically I smoke and binge eat because what’s the point, I’m so ugly? But I’m have not been nor plan to do that today. Feelings don’t last, and neither will this weight as long as I maintain my lifestyle change.
I don’t like the word diet. I’m not on a diet.
I’m reorienting my actions to reflect my values.
I’m transitioning back to being pescatarian, and I’m more mindful of the foods that I ingest. Caloric intake, saturated fats, etc. I might feel ugly, but that doesn’t mean my food has to be. I’ve been having some sexy salads lately!
Well, I’m off to do my Morning Mile with my Heavenly Mama and then off to the gym.
Stay blessed, y’all!
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Loved ur post this morning! There were parts of it that I needed to read that I could relate to and found helpful. Im so proud of u for ur timers and how u challenge ur negative, unhelpful thinking. I wish i could be more like that. Ive veen struggling lately with my thinking around food and this lifestyle change (that Im not really working on as of late). Anyway, this post isnt about me lol Its about you and how amazed I am with ur progress 
Way to go!!
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