I was specifically referring to prayer @ICanAndWill.
I think what you want more than anything else from people here is honesty so you can survive this disease man, that’s what I have come to understand. Plus, I’ve been there myself - it solves nothing. So get out of the “I can’t” mentality and get into the “what I can do is…” ask the highest power to be making your thoughts like that.
Right. Sorry. 
I should’ve had a V8! 
It’s been 73 days since I’ve smoked a cigarette. And, I want one so badly! It’s an obsession. The stress of wanting one, of figuring out a perfect excuse to relapse, of shutting off communication with loved ones so I don’t have to bear the shame of their disappointment and fear… it’s all too much!
I think, smoking was stressful. Physically, emotionally, financially…
I knew I’d trade one stress for another.
I wish I could shut it off and forget. Just not think about them.
I’m going for a walk now. Maybe even call my Mom. She has the best advice. She hasn’t smoked in 40 years.
Why now? Why this obsession now?!
Very proud of you for ur 73 days without a cigarette! Thats not an easy feat. I hope ur mom gives some great advice! I know for myself, when I quit, it was tough bcuz so many of my daily activites were linked to smoking. Stress was also being a huge trigger to smoke, however nicotine actually increases blood pressure and heart rate which creates stress in the body. So it backfires lol You have been using so many skills and techniques to manage ur stress and ur urges to smoke, i KNOW u can get thru it again today! Sending u strength friend!
My heart rate has been dangerously low lately. My Fitbit keeps alerting me to it being so low, it’ll wake me up! My chest hurts, I’m dizzy, and I have such dreadful headaches. I always thought I was having panic attacks; but, I am unable to reset my parasympathetic nervous system by deep breathing. Deep, slow breathing doesn’t remedy my chest pain.
Just more reasons to move to someplace that has better medical practitioners. If that be in God’s will; otherwise, may He have mercy on me!
I was thinking, smoking may have been a Catch-22.
My family has heart disease. It’d be ironic if smoking raised my heart rate to keep it normal and healthy, while simultaneously damaging my heart and expediting the heart disease.
Nevertheless, I am remembering to breathe through the pain. There’s no point in going to the hospital.
I would die in the waiting room for the one, and the other I would be turned away because 36 year olds don’t have heart attacks. Both would justify it by saying Government insurance isnt covered… which it hasn’t been up to this point. I’d literally die before I’d find out if it were a billing issue.
I’ve been dangerously close to smoking. I made it one more day, and another one has been loaded in the chamber (so to speak). Thank God for that!
It’s so stressful… just working one more day, one more day. Stressful and burdensome. It’s like, I just have to get through one more traumatic day… I’m trying to stay present; but, I have DID and I’m feeling myself become very uncentered. I keep telling myself I am safe and I am not in danger… I just don’t know how much more of this I can take before I split into a new Part.
Just one more day.
I might not make it until tomorrow, so I’ll let tomorrow worry about itself.
God has given me just right now.
Breathe in joy, exhale peace
I pray y’all are doing well today. Count your blessings, even if they don’t feel like them.
My timers are still ticking away. I was fortunate enough that I didn’t have to reset them.
5 days until we have to move. No money for the truck or anything. But, I still pray and trust in God’s providence.
This morning has been so beautiful. I was going to go back for my phone, so that I could take pictures and share it with you all; however, I decided that it was a gift God wanted to share with just me. So, I stayed present in the moment and thanked Him for making such beautiful things.
The clouds were exceptionally beautiful this morning. Whites, creams, grays, and a whole array of orange and pink. The sky is meek this morning. Our storm last night was the temper tantrum it needed to get out of its system. This morning, the blues are perfect for any art student to learn atmospheric perspective. Fog lazily slithered through the valleys. Once they had their fill of play, they gently ascended back to their waiting parents. There was a tiny, female Downy woodpecker chipping away at a tree across from my house. She made her Pileated cousin look (and sound) like a pterosaur! So much birdsong, so much wildlife flittering about. I’m so blessed to live somewhere so wild and wonderful. My Italian pen pal/friend has never seen a deer in real life… here, they’re our next of kin!
As I was doing my morning walk, I felt a peculiar type of shame. It’s somewhere between guilt and shame. As a logophile, I am interested in learning if there is a word for it. Nevertheless, I felt this type of shame that I have prayed for this: to stop smoking. I have prayed, prayed, and begged people to pray for me to quit smoking. I’ve wrestled with my love/hate, mostly hate for smoking… yet here I am being a Judas.
Judas looked back on the life he once had, and grasped at it; and in doing so, his greed betrayed God to death.
I’m looking back on my life and trying to grasp at it. Like a dog going back to it’s vomit. Instead of thanking God for the miracle and moving on, I struggle to look forward. I doubt. I keep doubting. Am I going to stay a former smoker? I’ve quit twice before… is the third time truly the charm? How ungrateful and myopic.
I should be praying for other healings instead of focusing on dead things. Like a necromancer, I’m trying to resurrect an enemy that God slayed for me. I’m worse than Judas! But instead of despairing, I keep praying that I’ll be like Peter—clothing my nakedness as I run to Him to beg forgiveness.
But I ramble on too much.
It’s been a very beautiful morning, and I’m still counting the minutes of sobriety. Here’s to more healing!
I am feeling very discouraged. I reset my PMO timer, twice. And, I’m obsessed with smoking again. I recognize that it is very likely because I’ve been binging Frasier in between cleaning and packing. I didn’t realize how much they smoked in that show…and like real cigarettes. 
Oh the 90s!
I just don’t know how much stronger I can be—obviously right now, strength is moot. I don’t have the funds to smoke.
I just don’t understand those people that can quit smoking and never look back!
I’m feeling very discouraged. Am I cursed to want the thing that I don’t have? After years, I’ve finally got what I’ve prayed for—why isn’t that enough?!
I haven’t smoked a cigarette in 78 days. I’ve been really craving one — headaches and yellow fingers, be damned! I don’t like that about myself. I’ve liked me a lot better as a non-smoker. Then I saw a neighbor walking…pacing…through the neighborhood searching for cigarette butts. I immediately began judging—myself.
That was me. I used to do that junkie behavior. I’d walk all over town, to all the spots where im I knew I’d get “halfsies”.
I saw him and my heart broke for him. Addiction is such slavery. Here I am unbound and yearning for those chains again! What disordered desires.
It’s been 78 days since I’ve smoked a cigarette; but it dawned on me yesterday that I haven’t been honest with myself. It’s only been 31 days since I’ve had nicotine. I’ve only been truly sober for a month. Then suddenly I began to be much gentler with myself. I self-soothed with kindness.
I’m still within my 90 days, most especially for being nicotine free.
I’m so tired of being in pain. In my heart, this is the last time I’ve quit. Either I’ll stay an ex-smoker or I’ll relapse and let my addiction kill me. 
Here’s to the former! I’m hopeful that my body will heal and begin to feel better… and I must see if this nodule is cancerous. I hope it’s just scar tissue or even shrinks! I’ll find out by December.
I have to keep holding onto facts and not thoughts.
Fact: I am worthy of living a healthy and happy life.
Thought: how hungry do you have to be in order to eat a snail, but then pass it off as a bougie delicacy?
Fact: I am loved.
Thought: Football is just redneck ballet.
Fact: Smoking is suicide.
Thought: Greenwashing is just another way to further divide people.
Fact: Cigarettes are expensive.
Thought: pigeons are misunderstood and should get the respect they deserve.
Fact: Superstitions about black cats were started by orange cats.
Thought: Would I create a black hole if I mix pumpkin and sweet potatoes into a single pie?
I am fantasizing about smoking. I’m still too much in love with it. It’s these moments that I don’t care that they’re expensive, smell, and are literal killers.
Then, I must pause and reflect what I mean by these moments. Similar to working in the kitchen, I am exhausted from packing and cleaning. Moreover, my back and body hurts—a deep, penetrating pain. I want the high from a single hit, I know I’d get high.
A single hit, and I’d lay my head back and ride it out.
Maybe a nap, too. Perhaps I need a nap as well. I didn’t sleep much or well last night.
I’m glad I have come here to identify bumps and traps.
I’ll go lie down and pray the rosary. I’ll probably get to the 8th Hail Mary and pass out. But, at least I’m not smoking! 
I’ve made a puréed soup using both sweet potatoes and pumpkin (+ other veggies). Still here 
Or maybe it’s different for pies 
Or perhaps it doesn’t count if you’re not Murican 
Every hour, every decision to stay away from cigarettes/nicotine is a step further into freedom. One day, your smoking days will be a distant memory like a vague dream that you can’t recall well.
I hope the hail Mary gave you a holy KO 
I hope so! I genuinely hope one day I can be truly free from these desires to smoke.
I don’t know the metaphysical equations of national food sciences. So, for science, I will make a sweet potato pumpkin pie. If something horrific happens in the world because of it— just remember, I did it for science. 
I pray you’re doing well! 
What do you think about Allen Carr’s book,
The Easy Way to Stop Smoking
I’ll check it out! Thanks for the suggestion. 
In addition, there is a hackbook on porn addiction based on the Allen Carr book for smoking. This one is free here.
I mention these resources because you’re mindset needs to change. I had a similar problem, thinking that by quitting, I was making a sacrifice. By definition, Allen Carr refers such attempts as willpower methods.
And that points to a bigger problem within me than my porn use.
All praise, glory, and honor to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit!
He is faithful, merciful, kind, and forgiving even when I am not.
I am officially moved and unpacked! Now it is a matter of letting things fall where they’re meant to be.
This is nothing short of a miracle, nothing short of a living testimony that God is loving and providential, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
This also proves we Christians worship a God of the Living, as I prayed novenas to Our Lady, St. Joseph, St. Philomena, St. Christopher, and called upon the aid of all the angels and saints. They lifted up my prayer to God just as those here in Earth did, and God in His grace and mercy saw fit to help me move closer to family.
It was emotionally and physically exhausting. I had only one emotional meltdown—which isn’t too bad given the circumstances. I very nearly broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes; however, I kept reminding myself that what I really wanted was to not be in pain and to take a nap. So far I haven’t been able to do either, and it’s a lifestyle change for the pets—therefore, no sleep at all.
Nevertheless, I’m getting back into my routines to keep me anchored into sanity and sobriety. 
Yay!!! So happy things are coming together for u!! Great work on not buying a pack of cigarettes also! Ur doing amazing!! 
90 days without a cigarette!!!
I, in an emotional episode, left yesterday to buy a pack of cigarettes. I can’t take this chronic pain anymore. And, I can’t see a doctor because the government messed up my insurance, admitted it, but won’t rectify it. So I am the one getting screwed! I thought, the universe keeps telling me I’m not worth living. These messages keep coming through in dramatic ways.
So, in a state of dejection and pain, I figured what’s the point of sobriety if I’m not going to make it to Christmas anyway?
Then driving around I caught myself avoiding going in, even avoiding going to the drive-thru’s. I drove to this gas station and that has staion. I knew this one didn’t have very good sales, and that one marked theirs up. After a few minutes, I had to admit to myself that even in that depth of pain and despair, I still clung onto sobriety. I didn’t actually want a cigarette.
HALT
I was all of them.
I was hungry, mad as hell, emotionally isolated because no one understands how badly I am in emotional and physical pain, and I haven’t been able to sleep because of the pain, my heart rate suddenly plummeting, and because of the animals.
I went to the store and got some lunch, explained to my wife that I am going to do what I need to in order to rest my body (because packing, unpacking, loading, unloading, cleaning, cooking, and now caring for the pets ALONE because she STILL sleeps through life then has the lady-balls to accuse me of not loving her and wanting to leave her) regardless of her tantrums has left me with a clearer head.
I have to drive back to WV tomorrow for the lawsuit. Not 
looking forward to that.
2.5 days PMO-free.
I don’t want to die a smoker.
The government has me underinsured and will penalize me for being grossly underinsured.
I make too much for Medicaid, but not enough to self-pity.
The next general enrollment isn’t until the beginning of the year.
I probably won’t be alive for that.
Do I want to be?
I am having a hard time breathing and now my toes are randomly turning black, but I can’t afford to go to the doctor—and because I’m underinsured all my ER labs “look normal”.
So, of the government doesn’t want me to see me as a human being worthy of a happy and healthy life; I will live the end of mine with some dignity. I want to finish my book and read as much as I can and paint.
My hands are staying numb longer now, so we shall see if God will let me even finish those things.
I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes. Well, actually two packs. I smoked a couple from the one and threw out the pack, then bought another one. I smoked a handful and then gave the pack to my wife.
I’m back on track now.
I have my timers going.
It is bizarre to see my PMO timer be (now) significantly longer than my cigarette/nicotine one.
It’s better I get back on the wagon now before the claws of addiction sink too far back into me. This way, detoxing won’t be as bad. Just a week of mania and worse body aches.
I’ve contemplated offering my suffering up for the conversion of sinners. But, before I do I want to seek wise counsel to make sure that is something I’m called to do.
I’m also not ashamed of myself, neither am I beating myself up.
This was a willful, conscience decision that could have been prevented; but, I’m glad I did it.
I’m reminded that cigarettes don’t actually help me. Although not having my heart rate plummet randomly has been a nice change of pace.
I’m not glorifying nor condemning “falling off the wagon”. What was done was done.
What’s the most important is that I’ve reflected on what I can do differently next time so that this can truly be the last time I’ve quit.
I suppose what I’m getting at is that I’m not disappointed because I’ve forgiven myself. I don’t see this as a failure, just a momentary loss of altitude. But, I’ll get back to where I was soon enough, and fly even higher!
I’m struggling with cigarettes.
That’s not quite right.
I’m struggling with loneliness, with emotional isolation. I feel like I’m wandering around in a forest pregnant with fog. I look around and everything is misty grey. Trees and moss and vast amounts of more trees and moss. I can’t find a stream. I was always taught to look for running water if I ever became lost in the woods. But I can’t find any.
I feel like I’m in another plane of existence. I can hear the echoes of life swarming around me; but I’m stuck here in this empty forest.
I’ve tried to take solace in that the trees and moss are living beings. That they form an intricate network of intelligent life. They communicate with each other, have their own defenses, require food and procreate. But, I’m the only one of my kind.
And I am tired of wandering, tired of looking for others.
So, I will continue giving up cigarettes and strive to leave them behind. But, at least I don’t feel so alone with them…because humans made them. It’s as if they’re my Touchstone to humanity.
No good drama would be complete without drama, otherwise it would be a misnomer. And, I still believe in the power of words and their meanings. So, the drama continues to unfold. Perhaps it will proceed into a romance, where I fall madly in love with my well-being, or it will continue to be a mystery — overall, my life has been a tragic comedy. That movie that is sad, but the characters learn macabre dark humor to cope, allowing the audience some sort of reprieve. I digress.
I’m back to being sober from cigarettes. There is no healthy closure that involves them; there won’t be any catharsis where they play a physical role.
I have to walk away from it all.
I have to walk away from the fantasies of them as well as the deeply penetrating hatred of them. They are both lies.
I have to become emotionally detached from their Siren’s call. The only way to do that is by not setting sail. Staying firmly grounded on Soberland and not on sailing the Seas of Longing.
I cannot do this alone.