I can and I will! 
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I’ve had a referral placed for outpatient ECT treatments. However, I’ll be shocked if I don’t have a “pink slip” after my appointment today.
I’m really struggling in a lot of areas in my life. It’s really important for me to stay grounded and count all of my blessings. My marriage is practically over. I can’t do it anymore. I’ve given over 16 years of my life to a woman who’s only passion in life is to be miserable and untrusting of everyone and everything around her. She refuses help, so why try anymore? It’s killing me in so many, many ways. One thing is for certain, IF I ever decide to get into another relationship — I’m going back to men!
But, I still to keep my eyes solely focused on Jesus in this storm. I will not drown if I keep my eyes on Him.
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So so sorry to hear this. 
You have been very brave and strong despite dealing with so much. 
I’m sending you many healing vibes. 
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I had an appointment with my NP and social worker. They didn’t believe I needed to be hospitalized, they believed I needed out of my marriage. And, they’re right. I’m tired of living in a hospital. I have a 3 inch binder crammed full of hospital stays. Why? Because I couldn’t be honest with myself. I was groomed into believing that I wasn’t worthy of living without my wife. That there was no life outside of her. And, I believed it. So, I gained 150 pounds in a year. None of my words mattered to her. They were weaponized. To stop them from coming out of my mouth, I blocked them by putting food into it. Can’t rightly express myself when I’m chewing, and can’t feel my feelings when I’m distracted by a bellyache. And I chain-smoked. I knew I wouldn’t have a long life with them. Not to mention, at least I could depend on them to be there when no one else was.
Now I’m at an end. A painful end. Are these the birth pangs of a new life; or are these my last breaths? Tomorrow I go to get a CT on my chest to see if this module has grown in my lungs. There was a time I wished it did. Now, I’m scared it has. I want to heal. I want to recover and repair the damage I’ve done to my body. But, I can’t do that with her. I can’t do that with the life I’m currently living. And, I didn’t anticipate how lonely it is. I’ve not gossiped about my wife. Because I usually go places alone, I’d protect her dignity by making an excuse like: she’s indisposed or I’m sorry she couldn’t make it, she’s not feeling well. Years and years of this. For all people knew, she was sickly. No. She isn’t. All of her labs are fine. She just didn’t want to go to the places I wanted to go to, hang out with the people I wanted to hang out with, do the things I wanted to do. Yet, she’d find a way to blame me for leaving her at home alone.
Now, I don’t have anyone who understands why I’m leaving “sweet Jo”. From their perspective, this is unfathomable. They don’t know she groomed me when I was 19 and she was 42. They don’t know I went to youth group with her son when I was a teen.
They just know the stories of me saving face.
They don’t know I was openly gay when I met her. They don’t know she seduced me months after my dad died in order for me to continue to live with her rent free. They don’t know that I told her I was gay and she would repeatedly say “no, you’re not”. They don’t know she wouldn’t let me have male friends because she didn’t trust me to not cheat on her. They don’t know she wouldn’t let me have female friends because she didn’t trust them. They don’t know the years of trying with every ounce of my body to make it work…
And this is really lonely. But I want to heal, and I want to live. I just genuinely don’t know how.
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I am so sorry what you have been through. And I am sending you lots of love, strength and healing vibes. You deserve every healing in the world.
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That’s… a lot. You have so many things unraveling. It does sound that the foundations of your marriage were polluted (in the lack for a better word). I was groomed too, but with MUCH LESS consequences. It is so deceiving and hard to face when finally realised.
I’m glad you’re getting help. I hope you can have support in the next steps too.
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It’s amazing how concentrated tragedy can be; compounded back-to-back in such a short period of time. If it happened occasionally, one could eventually take a deep breath and trudge on. However, like my sister said the other day: this is our life. Our life is one of sorrow after sorrow. Yet, there is still hope and joy to be found in Jesus.
My wife was in the hospital for a week. Modern (American) healthcare is so poor that it was more of a spiritual retreat than anything. Beautiful things came of it. She came home realizing how horrid she’s treated me and apologized. Truly apologized. Granted, it took come coaching on what a true apology is—”I’m sorry but…” doesn’t qualify. Nevertheless, it was genuine contrition. I jokingly said, hopefully no one dies after you get out of the hospital. That night my brother coded twice.
Within 12 hours of being diagnosed with bacterial meningitis, he slipped into a coma and went into multi-organ failure and developed sepsis. He was also brain dead. For 6 days he’s been on life support. Every once in a while he’d give us a glimmer of hope. We prayed for miracles, anointed his body with holy oil, and I placed my brown scapular upon his chest. We were told there is no hope. But we’ve continued to pray. Last night, he gave us a few more glimmers of hope. Nevertheless, today may be the day he is pulled off life support (per his wishes) depending on how the testing goes.
And I realized 2 things:
1.) No matter what happens, my God has not failed. If he survives, he could be a vegetable; and that’s no life.
2.) I will never be ready to quit smoking. There will never be a ritual, time, nor season that will provide me with the closure that I need. I am an addict.
Smoking hasn’t been my consolation during any of this. It’s only given my brain the poison it craves. Only my God can be the Source of my True Consolation.
So, I’m done. Not because I’m ready, and not because I want to be; rather because I have to be.
God has given me such a beautiful gift of life and health, and I cannot waste it as if it were cheap and replaceable. I certainly do not want my mother to grieve over my body because of something I had fully in my control.
My absence from here has not been from shame. I’m 5 days PMO-free.
My absence has been from the amount of stress.
Still I proclaim: You are Good, God; You are Good.
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Wow friend… I have no words. Let me think here for a sec…
First off, I am deeply sorry for whats happening with ur brother. That sounds devastating 
I can only imagine how ur feeling right now. I just want to give u a big hug 
It sounds like the deterioration of ur brothers health, is awakening something in u tho, regarding ur health (and smoking). And honestly what u wrote in ur post, awakened something in me regarding my health. So thank u also for that friend.
I remember when I was trying to quit smoking cigarettes, my mother told me one night that there will never be a good time to quit. Life is life and there will always be stressors and reasons for why it isnt the right time to quit. In all reality, we just have to do it. I am SO proud of you for making that decision to be done with it. And congratulations on being 5 days free from PMO. You ARE making progress as each day goes by.
Sending u so much strength as u overcome this. And sending u so much healing and comfort for ur brothers situation.
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Tell me a little bit about what kind of connections that you have in your life.
If you’re not in some sort of support group, such as CR, SA, SLAA, or SAA, you’re putting yourself at a severe disadvantage. I consider one’s lack of adequate connection a much bigger problem than the symptom of addictive behavior.
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12 days PMO-free
Every day from here will be a record for me. It’s been rough lately. The nightmares started about 2 nights ago.
I just contacted the Ohio quit line and have set up an account with them. I’ll have access to 24/7 live help for when no one in my immediate support is available, and they’ve mailed out patches. As of today, my official tobacco quit date is 1/26.
No updates on when the memorial service will be. I’ve been spending as much time with my Mom as I can. This is a loss we can feel in our bones.
One day at a time; one step at a time.
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2 WEEKS PMO-FREE
LET’S GOOOOOOO!!!
Last night, I thought I only make it 13 days anyway, why change now?
Then I said I used to make it 13 days. Tomorrow will feel better than what I want to feel right now.
And it’s true!
I’m currently out running errands with my Mom. She’s struggling, as we all are, with Emmett’s sudden death. However, she’s the only one to claim the right to grieving the hardest. Her therapy is retail related, so I’ve brought her to a little thrift shop in town. Hopefully it wasn’t a mistake. #Hoarder #StillUnpackingHerStuffFromLastMonth
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Way to go on 2 weeks!!! Im so proud of you!!!
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16 days PMO-free
It seems so bizarre to me that it’s been 16 days. I looked at the timer and got so excited, and then got sad thinking that it wasn’t right. I must have forgotten to reset it.
But I didn’t!
It’s truly been 16 days!
And I don’t want to rob myself of any more joy!
The nightmares and night sweats have been annoying. Hopefully they will go away. Nevertheless, I’m doing this one day at a time!
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Congratulations! I am proud of you and happy for you. Keep on going!
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20 DAYS PMO-FREE
15 hours smoke-free
I’m very much looking forward to seeing days behind that 15. In order to do that, I need to add them up one day at a time.
I’m trying to manage stress the best that I can. But, for those of you who’ve followed me last year, and the struggles of not having health insurance; I am very pleased to give you some updates.
The nodule in my lung is stable and I can get it checked again at the end of the year.
I am currently working on finding out if that heart attack last April did any significant damage. I wore a heart monitor for a week, and I have a stress test next week.
I got new glasses 
and hope they come in this coming week.
I made an appointment for the dentist. My insurance doesn’t actually cover it. So it looks like I’m hitting the pole. 
I joined the local YMCA. In tandem with my apartments gym, I’m looking forward to being active again.
I have a sleep study scheduled for March. I definitely need a CPAP (again).
And, I have an appointment with a dietician in a couple of weeks.
I’m doing what I can to make sure 2026 is dedicated to health recovery. Tomorrow is never promised; lunch isn’t even promised. However, I’ll do what I can to make sure that if God blesses me with a tomorrow, I honor Him with my body.
I pray you all know how special you are to me. Even the ones who try to sneak around in the background. 
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That it’s amazing and so inspiring. I am unbelievably proud of you 
Keep on going!
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Wow! Sooo many good things are happening for you friend! Congratulations on day 20! Thats amazing work! 15 hours is also fantastic!! Glad ur setting ur year up for success!!
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All glory to God!
By the Blood of Jesus, tears of Mary, and the sweat of Joseph— I can and I will! 
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26.5 days PMO-free
Every time I start to feel bad about wrestling with smoking, I look at that timer and think I thought getting to 26+ days PMO-free was impossible too; and then I start to feel better.
I pray everyone stays safe and warm!
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30 DAYS PMO-FREE
This is
NEVER did I think I’d make it an entire month PMO-free. Am I still tempted?
However, with each day that passes, I am finding it easier to distract myself. Dare I say, even forget about it? But, I am not a fool. These early days are a foundation for things to be built on later. And, a cracked foundation will simply not do!
Nevertheless, I am very proud of myself. Thank God, 30 days!
Now if I could just let these damned cigarettes go! 
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