7 hours until I hit 24 hours smoke-free…
I can do it.
I can do it.
I can do it.
I can and will…
3 Likes
WOW!!! HUGE CONGRATULATIONS on ur 30 days!!!
2 Likes
Amazing! I am so happy for You!
1 Like
34 days PMO-free
I had to reset my smoking timer.
I’m currently at 2.5 hours.
And, I’m not ashamed.
While I was driving home, from God only knows where and what I was doing, I was gifted with an amazing epiphany:
It doesn’t matter what I do or not do, say or not say, or how much weight I gain or lose; I am still a beloved son of God.
And I was overwhelmed with this immense peace. My body dysmorphia has me convinced that I won’t have any meaningful friendships while I’m this fat; which is certainly not true. I have also been fully convinced that I am a smoker. My genetics are predisposed to smoking, and most people only know me to be one. To be an ex-smoker would mean being an imposter. Just playing a part for which I am destined to fail. Yet, that’s not true. These are all accidents, metaphysically.
Because my identity isn’t in what I do or not do, it’s being a beloved son of God.
He loves me regardless of if I smoke or not, if I’m skinny or fat, or if I am busy or at rest.
He sees me in ways that I cannot comprehend to see myself.
And, that’s taken such a remarkable burden off of me.
I don’t want to smoke. I don’t want to smoke for so many reasons. But now it’s oriented less towards an identity and more towards aligning myself with being the truest form of my God-given substance.
I am imperfect, and I am stumbling and falling as I follow Christ. However, am I better than He who fell three times while He carried His Cross? No!
I am over a month of not masturbating or watching porn. In the 25 years of a debilitating addiction, I 
never thought I’d come this far! And, yet, here I am. Have I been cured? Most likely not. But, every single day that passes I am finding myself more and more vulnerable — and that’s okay!
Now, I am letting go of the cigarettes. Am I scared? A little bit. But, I’m going to do it a little bit scared anyway. Being an ex-smoker doesn’t make me a better Christian. But it does make me more free to do those things that will make me one. Does smoking make me a worse Christian? No. But it does take me away from those things that could make me a better one.
So, I’m going to keep my eyes on Jesus while the storm of detoxing and sobriety rages around me. I know I won’t sink of my eyes are on Him, and if He calls me out of the boat. And, I truly feel Him calling me to healing.
2 Likes
36 days PMO-free
3 hours smoke-free
I couldn’t take my mouth pain anymore. Every month I say, we must save enough for me to go to the dentist, and every month most of our bills suck up all of our checks. So, my mouth has been put on the back burner — because apparently insurance companies believe seeing and chewing are luxuries.
But I won’t get started on insurance companies.
Nevertheless, I’ve finally come in and it turns out I was right — my mouth is, indeed, rotted. Surprisingly though, it turns out I have “a couple [of] abscesses”.
I will tell him to rip all my teeth out if it gets too expensive.
But, I’m not so delusional as to not recognize that smoking has done the majority of this damage.
So now it’s time to lean into my epiphany. It’s time to be True Self. It’s time to start writing a new, healthier chapter in my life.
Also, I’m so bloated that it hurts. It’s like I am one fart away from feeling better, but it doesn’t feel better. As soon as one is shot, another loads into the chamber. Damn you frosted mini wheats! Stop being so delicious.
2 Likes
37 days PMO-free
I’m officially 24 hours smoke-free!!!
I’m so excited I can finally say that I have crossed over into 1 day without a cigarette.
I awoke from a horribly triggering dream/nightmare. It was every one of my insecurities, triggers, etc. concentrated into one amalgam of panic- and flight-inducing horror. In it, I responded by rushing to find a cigarette. I awoke literally jumping out of bed to continue finding a cigarette. I had to literally say “it was just a dream, it was just a dream…”
I immediately took a hydroxyzine, started a pot of coffee, and journaled. That helped me separate the dream from reality.
For the last many umpteenth attempts, I’d get to 20-22 hours before I’d break. But I didn’t want to this time.
And I didn’t.
2 Likes
38 days PMO-free
I’m about an hour and a half away from being 2 days smoke-free
I awoke soaking wet from night sweats and nightmares. These suck. But, it’s the valley I must walk through in order to reach the High Places. Just call me Much Afraid 
. (For those who know, y’know…for those who don’t: I highly recommend reading Hannah Hunnard’s Hind’s Feet on High Places! I’ve read it several times and each time I’ve gleaned something new to take away from it.)
I’m searching for connection and community here. It’s been about 6 months since we moved back to Ohio. In that time we’ve had 3 moves (us, Mom, and Jo’s niece) in 4 months, 3 deaths (2 separated by 2 weeks), 3 psychiatric stays (2 for me, 1 hers), I lost count of how many mental breakdowns and legitimate thoughts of divorce (which as soon as I can afford if shit doesn’t radically change), drama here and drama there.
But now things are stabilizing a bit.
Am I still food poor? Yes. Food bank tomorrow 
Do I have enough money for all of my bills and living expenses? No. Not even remotely close.
Yet, I am beyond blessed. Inconceivably blessed!
For one, I woke up this morning. Not only that, I woke up in a safe place that’s sheltered from the frigid cold. I may not have everything I want today, but God has made sure I have everything I need for today. And that’s enough.
So, I’ll pop some more hydroxyzine and let that cook before my Mom picks me up to run errands with her.
Life is crazy and unpredictable. What can I control? I can control how I respond to it. And for today, that means not running to PMO nor cigarettes. I’ll run to the arms of the Holy Family through prayer…and my fidget toys. I’ll start calling them my holy fidgets.
I must make art soon!
2 Likes
I’ve been wanting to write but I find myself lost for words. I’m sorry it’s been so rough for such a long time. At the same time I have immense respect for you for not throwing in the towel. Your conviction and faith in God are beautiful and inspiring. It makes me want to press on closer to Him, too. He does prove Himself to be faithful in hard times, doesn’t he.
1 Like
What an honor you do me by such remarkably humbling words. Thank you for them. I often times forget that what might be small for me is something big for someone else. I am nothing without Jesus. I was supposed to officiate my brothers memorial, but it was specifically mentioned that it cannot be religious. So, I respectfully declined out of respect to their wishes. Because where I go, Jesus goes; and when I talk, it’s eventually going to be singing His praises. I knew it wouldn’t be worth trying. Although I wasn’t going to… but I am going to write a eulogy. Which I’m finding difficult. Can I can adequately summarize a life cut short?
Nevertheless, I will always advocate for drawing closer to God. Always! He is more merciful and forgiving than we can ever fathom. Once I let go of this Jansenist belief that I had to be perfect first, I found myself enveloped in grace and love.
I look forward to hearing more about your dance with God.
2 Likes
39 days PMO-free
I reset my smoking timer 30 minutes before I reached 3 days.
I would normally have crossed the threshold and kept on quitting.
Although I’m not ashamed or disappointed in myself.
I’m feeling so many things right now, and yet nothing at all.
Tomorrow is the memorial.
I still haven’t written the eulogy. I can’t quite force myself to do it; well, at least, to settle onto one. This makes it so real.
Seeing the life leave his body as he took his last breath made it real.
But this makes it real real. Not some horrid nightmare. Some mass hallucination that my family and I are going through while we trip on peyote. This is real.
And, I am so overwhelmed by these massive waves of emotions and thoughts. I’m trying to navigate the stormy waters of grief, yes; but so too overcoming my addictions.
Life is never easy, no; yet, we at least get a foundation to build up our strength to weather it.
God is my firm foundation.
Rock of Ages cleft for me/ Let me hide myself in thee.
I wish I could hide away and wake up okay. I suppose that’s what dying is…
I couldn’t make art. I’m too restless, and it is too cold in the garage. Not to mention for the last week,y esophagus is spasming so it feels like I’m sucking in super cold water all the time. Not. Comfortable.
I haven’t given up my willingness, my desire, to quit smoking.
I suppose this will be very much like a soap opera: what’s in store for today’s episode?
I should start randomly plugging cleaning supplies into my posts.
Like, I’ll be talking about how I will want to keep my teeth clean, especially after going the dentist. And nothing cleans quite like Borax. Borax is the toothpaste of cleaning supplies. It whitens grout, cleans gunked up water lines in your washer, and even softens clothes. It’s safe and natural! Borax. But I wouldn’t want to say something that I’m not qualified for, especially since dentists can’t even agree what cleans teeth the best. So I guess it’s best I don’t plug any products.
Well, it’s time to fight through slick roads to get to the food bank. I think I’ll read a bit when I get home and then work on the eulogy.
2 Likes
I was struggling every friday night to saturday, i Fall Back in porn or Sex Addiction, Like Going Go Stripclubs. I used IT to get Out of this sleepnes nights or quit my Dress. And then i am Drinking again, ChainSmoking.
Yesterday i make a Party all allone, but i dont Fall Back to watch pmo or Go Out to Stripclubs or Borthel.
So much Money wasted for online Sex and this bullshit 
1 Like
Yay! I’m glad to hear that you went out and didn’t fall back into temptation! That’s great!
1 Like
Sometimes i Need this to Fill the lonely Feelings and get away from Stress, but after Fall Back the pain and Shame ist deeper.
How are you today? Hope You Had a Nice Weekend with No struggling and overthinking.
Have a Nice Day 
1 Like
Of course, that’s the normal course for any addiction. It’s self-fulfilling, as well as self-sabotaging.
It’s important to remember that the opposite of addiction is connection. Being able to find that healthy connection will help you fight these addictions, and in a way that doesn’t feel so overwhelming or laborious.
There’s also different kinds of loneliness. Sometimes we can feel lonely even when we’re in the middle of a crowded room. So, what kind of loneliness are you struggling with if you don’t mind me asking?
1 Like
I dont want to Talk to deep about it now, Many people Talk behind, i lost Trust to Other people, i dont’t Like the Place i Life. I can hang Out with people i know, but everyone Drinking, Smoking, and Other stuff, i cant See all this anymore so i keep lonely at the Moment
1 Like
Here you can See my strugglings and my story
1 Like
Luckily, you don’t have to share anything that you’re not comfortable with! You can also DM me as well.
Those feelings of lost trust, betrayal, and hurt cut very deeply, indeed. I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this right now. Compounded with avoiding those things that are temptations certainly will amplify the loneliness. However, feelings don’t last forever. You’re in luck! This community here is a great way to feel plugged into something healthy, and supplements your sober journey once you find a healthy community in your day-to-day life.
Don’t think about forever. Think about today. And for today, you choose sobriety.
You’re not alone. When the loneliness takes hold, and I know it’s cold grip can be so strong, say out loud: I am not alone.
Do you have a mental health professional that you see? If not, would you be willing to go to therapy?
1 Like
I can Go the sexaholic Anonymous, was there only 2 Times, got the White book for 12 steps.
1 Like
41 days PMO-free
I am restarting my smoking timer today.
Yesterday was Emmett’s memorial. It was beautiful and I was so happy for his turnout. There were so many people there that it ended up being standing room only! I laughed that most of us wonder who will come to our funeral’s, and that I’m not worried about it since I’ll be dead. 
I’m still having these damned night sweats and nightmares though. 
They’re the worst!
I hope everyone has a great day!
1 Like
42 days PMO-free
I was at 20.5 hours smoke-free before I bought a pack of cigarettes. Before I smoked one, I did an honest inventory. I didn’t need them. I didn’t even want them! But I smoked 2.5 anyway.
Now, the .5 may not seem like a big deal. For the vast majority of my life, I’ve been feast-or-famine, black-and-white, deluge-or-drought. I would either smoke the entire pack or not at all. I’d smoke the entire cigarette to the filter, and I’d puff once more just in case. During my sober journey, if I threw a pack of cigarettes out that had some left in it, I would obsessively think about them. I’d either dig them out of the trash, or if I was faster than myself and took the trash to the dumpster, I’d obsess over “the waste”. I’d think of 1000 reasons why I should have finished the pack. Then, I would buy another pack so I could smoke the whole thing and “feel whole” about it.
I smoked a half a cigarette this morning and tossed it away. I didn’t want it. I still don’t want it. And, I’m okay with the waste. What I’m not okay with is it wasting my health.
So, my timer is reset.
I’m so at peace. I guess I needed to prove to myself that I am ready, and that I can and will always be ready. I have been ready to quit. For a while.
Here I go again, but instead of the twinge of fear I feel when I reset my timer, I have this resounding confidence. This is new for me. Because this is the new me.
2 Likes