Idk if I can do it

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Starting to wonder if I’ll ever actually be able to not drink. I’m embarrassed how many times I’ve come here saying I’m starting over. I know I’m not the only one but damn…I lose more faith in myself every time. My drinking got bad yet again. I had to dump what I had left of a bottle tonight. I’m so tired of this cycle. I miss how bad I wanted it for myself and how much motivation I held. I just want to cry. I am literally an alcoholic and it’s in my blood from my dad. I just want to be healthy physically and mentally. Being a single mom in my late 20’s has been weighing on me heavily, it’s really lonely. I just wonder if that wasn’t the case I wouldn’t keep drinking like this. But I also know I want to be my best self for when I do find my person. It just feels impossible to meet someone when I’m not able to get out. Drinking because I’m lonely yet lonely because I’m drinking…it’s like I can’t escape until I can finally just give it up completely.

I’m better news - hit 4 months weed free, although I think I would have an easier time giving up alcohol if I wasn’t forced to because of CHS :sweat_smile: I know it’s still a positive change and it was time to give it up anyways

& I don’t think I updated since I said I was checking out a new college since I was let go of my other one (I’m okay with it now but I’m sure that has had an affect on my drinking as well. my brain tends to be able to push things down like it doesn’t matter but then my actions show they most definitely do have an affect on me-that started at 13 when my parents divorced🙃) but I thankfully did get into not only a different esthetician program but a masters program which will make me even more qualified for when I start my own business or just have more job opportunities. It’s 3 days a week rather than 5 but much longer hours, 10 hours a day instead of 5. And it’s also 10 months instead of 6. But it will be so worth it and I am so grateful for the opportunity. I actually had a dream last night where I was back at the old school and I got up and was like wait why am I here I’m not supposed to be here? And left. I thought it was just weird and funny and then I was telling my best friend about it and realized how symbolic it was. Then I saw a quote when I woke up that said “be grateful for closed doors, bad vibes and stuff that falls apart. It’s divine protection from people, places and things that no longer serve you.” I really like the girls in my new class too, and I have learned a lot already. I guess everything does happen for a reason.

Sorry this is so long, if you didn’t read all of it or even any I don’t blame you lol. Just needed to vent.

Sending my love to all of you.

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Hey Laine,
I had a bunch of false starts myself. I was 27 when I made my first attempt to quit drinking with help and I went to AA. A short 18 years later, after worse and worse consequences and after a steady increase in volume and frequency of drinking, I finally got permanently sober. I do not recommend that path to anyone. The fact that I didn’t die or kill someone or myself in that time was due to a combination of luck and grace. Those 18 years were a steady and powerful spiral down to what they call in AA “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization”.

In those 18 years, I learned that I was strongly motivated to keep drinking and to stop drinking at the same time. What I really wanted was to drink the way I wanted to, with no consequences. And sometimes I was able to do that - but even when I did, I found I was enjoying it less and less. I was drinking because something in my brain was requiring it. I had to drink, no matter what. And simultaneously, I wanted desperately to stop and to be happy in life. I was good and stuck, battered by these two forces, drink and don’t drink.

I had comparative success staying sober during that time when I was on Antabuse, and when I went to rehab - I did an outpatient day treatment program at one time and an inpatient two week program also. I stayed sober just shy of 10 months after I went to the farm for those two weeks.

I encourage you to keep adding more actions to your efforts to grow sobriety. Meaning well and trying hard to fiddle your circumstances and people around you isn’t going to be enough, I think you know that from your own experience.

In my years of struggle, I crashed cars, particularly into bodies of water, went to jail about 6 or 7 times, spoiled relationships with women and with my daughter, lost jobs, and felt almost daily that tremendous disappointment with myself that I’d got drunk and blacked out again, when I didn’t mean to or want to. It doesn’t have to be like that for you. Please focus all your efforts on getting sober - school can wait, your pride in being a self-sufficient mom can wait. You will have no school, no love of your life, no child, if you do not put sobriety first.

'Nuff preaching from me. I hear your pain and see your struggle. There are ways out of it, and they all involve your absolute commitment to putting a sober head on your pillow each night. You can do that, one day at a time, with help.

Blessings on your house :pray: as you resume your journey.

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Your perspectives are always so helpful; I really appreciate your posts, and how thoughtful they are!!!

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You’ve got another chance - what are you going to do with this opportunity, and what additional tools are you going to add to your sobriety journey??

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Don’t be embarrassed. If I had found this site at 27 instead of 37 I would have had 10 years of failing publicly. There are very few alcoholics who can quit for good first time. We are alcoholics after all. We crave it and rationalise it in ways that are as ingenious as they are dumb.

This really stood out for me. I also felt “Drinking because I am a crappy mother, but a crappy mother because I am drinking” Drinking keeps us from who we are, and acts as a false salve for not being who we are.

It is a cliche but “nothing changes if nothing changes”. What else can you add? Just keep trying and you will hit a program that suits you. And we are here to support you while you try.

And congrats on being weed free for 4 months! :purple_heart:

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Made me cry about other things can wait and I won’t have them if I don’t get sober…I know it’s true. I also believe the amount of times I’ve “got away” with blacking out and not causing serious harm is from grace (for me I believe from God) and luck alone. Although I have done a few things with bad (mostly embarrassing) consequences lately, and have been blacking out for many years. I know I can’t always be “lucky” and I don’t want to jeopardize my life or anyone else’s.

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I usually jump into fitness and that does help me a lot but kinda scares me since it’s always what I do and obviously what I start with never sticks. But I am going to do that anyway because it does help make me feel better and busy. I also know I can’t see any physical changes when I’m drinking. I’ve bought a few self help books not necessarily for sobriety although I do have one I never finished (of course.) one is called “don’t believe everything you think” and is supposed to be a really good one. May sound silly but adding in daily water intake goal could probably help me. I always say I want to learn to cook more things but never follow through so hopefully that happens…I guess my tools are always just healthy replacements. Do you think that those are just solely distractions? I mean I know they are but maybe “distractions” alone isn’t enough. I have yet to actually go to an AA meeting…I’m scared to.

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What’s more scary? Going to a meeting or your life continuing the way it is?

And you are correct, distractions will never be enough.

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Couldn’t have said this any better myself! I agree with every word you said :slightly_smiling_face:

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I think you hit the nail on the head here about distractions; it’s not that they can’t or won’t help - but they’re things you’ve already been trying and aren’t working. So it’s time to do something new - whatever that is to help you get off the merry go round!

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Hello beautiful and wonderful mother! You are fighting for sobriety and that says it all! I’m a mom too and our brains are just looking for stress relief, freedom, closeness, among other things-from alcohol! It’s automated responses from a part of our brain that isn’t logical. Treat it like your inner child throwing a tantrum. Don’t give in! I have been thinking of other ways to “get a break” from myself, stress, and life before the want to drink starts. You are not alone. You are not powerless! Your systems are looking for dopamine and some type of expression! It may help to look on YouTube for neuroscience behind addiction and I will look for a podcast link from this lady I’ve been listening to.

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https://castbox.fm/va/2945997 she tried different approaches to sobriety and overcame alcohol addiction.

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You are so sweet. Thank you so much! I’m really proud of you for being strong enough to find the root cause yourself and fight for a better life. 🫶🏻

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I applaud you for working towards sobriety at a young age! I was a single mom at 19 and thru my 20s and I remember the challenges. I was really lucky to have family to help. I went back to school in my 20s as well and it was the best thing ever to be able to support us. I am glad you like the new girls in your school, that helps.

There’s a lot of talk about distractions and I know for me they were important to give myself another outlet especially a physical one. Walking, gym, running, bicycling, fitness classes…they were all important for me…plus good for healing the body and mind…and a real good habit to carry thru life. :muscle:

There is a lot of strength in knowing you need more. And maybe those meetings would be helpful to give you some real life support. You can definitely get support here as well …it is a great place for community and support. But face it, we all need in person people we can talk to about stuff and be with and not drink.

I also found a lot of help thru reading other people’s stories and how they overcame alcohol and drugs. It helped remind me it was possible, especially when I kept failing over and over.

Glad you poured out what you had. A new day. :sparkles:

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I totally agree with everything you said. Also, I became a single mom at 19 as well :heart: it’s been a long journey, I get discouraged because I’m now 27 and still haven’t met “my person” but I guess I just haven’t been ready to.

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I met who I thought was ‘my person’ at your age, and learned a lot…it was pretty painful…but it prepared me for the road ahead. Had another relationship that lasted awhile and learned from that too. I came to believe, and still do, that there are lots of persons for us. We learn from lots of people…some more gently and lovingly than others…but still there is learning there. :heart:

I was in my late 30s when I met the man I am married to, he is a great human, kind, loving, working to make life better in our little corner of the world. And he is a human, with plenty of faults, just like me. It wasn’t til my 50s that I realized it was me all along…I am my person.

I am no expert, but I have been around awhile…if I had to make a prediction, I would say that focusing on yourself and your own growth and healing, including sobriety…putting your focus on you will serve you really well and set you up for relationship success. Get to a place of self confidence, self love and that can be had with some sobriety. As you heal, you will attract people who are healing and healthier. Win, win. :trophy:

I know it seems impossible, but it isn’t. I know you feel defeated, but you can rise up and claim health and healing and sobriety for yourself. You deserve that little mama. You really do. Keep fighting for your self. And get to a meeting if that is what it takes. :heart::people_hugging:

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Thank you for sharing this with me. :face_holding_back_tears: I was very in love with my son’s father and that ended badly I have always had a history of being with people who abuse and manipulate me. That ended when our son was a few months old and he’s almost 8 now…I spent many years running from the heartbreak and a lot of that included alcohol, while he went off and got sober for his wife and other child. I still struggle with feeling like we weren’t worthy of him doing that for us although the logical side of me knows he just wasn’t ready to, we were both young. I tried to date periodically after him, but I never felt strongly for anyone enough to actually be with them. And then in February of 2022 I met who I thought was my person, finally! … boy was I wrong. I felt that same intenseness and I guess that’s because he was also someone who very much controlled and manipulated me. He made me feel like there was so much wrong with me, and left me like I was nothing, it destroyed me. We spent a lot of our time drinking together and it caused a lot of fights. So I know it was for the best we ended anyways. It just makes me sad when I finally fell for someone like I did my sons dad, it was also extremely unhealthy, go figure right…I know people tend to have a pattern in dating. I just figured after all that time I would have known better and like I said - was finally “my time” he sold me dreams that he was never going to fulfill. One positive is the lessons it taught me, reminded me…and that it opened my eyes to what I do want, dreams of a family I had dug deep down because I didn’t feel worthy or like I could ever actually be “lucky” enough to have that.

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Oh girl, this all sounds real familiar. I am sorry you have had this heartache. :heartpulse: You aren’t the only person who has a history of choosing abusive and/or manipulative partners. :people_hugging: Those scars can last awhile for sure and learning to believe and trust in ourselves takes time. I really admire you working hard on yourself, education and sobriety at such a young age. :100: % that is a really good thing.

I am sorry you had those rough times and hope life feels more settled now…even without a partner. And hope too that you find some support here to help you in your sobriety. Someone is always around if you need to reach out vs reaching for a bottle…we know where that leads. :people_hugging:

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Thank you 🫶🏻 my heart goes out to every one of you who has gone through abuse as well. It’s not an easy road during or long after…That last relationship ended 8 months ago and I’m still healing. He ran off to someone else while I started to try and get sober again and made a lot of positive changes. A lot of good came into my life after he left too like finally getting into my own place and finding my passion in esthetics and starting school. When I was with him I had no self love or goals because I didn’t feel I could attain any or even had an idea of what I could do outside of motherhood. I guess I have just lost my way again but I am trying again. He didn’t realize I had potential because I didn’t either. But in the end it was his loss and my gain. Although someone who deserves me would’ve seen my worth regardless. I gave him all the love I had. When really, I needed to give it to myself.

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This!! All day!!! :heart:

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