I have been sober just over 3 years now. October 20th 2017 was the day my life restarted. Life has been hard as of late. I’ve made it hard on myself and my family. Not on purpose but because I have strayed the past 8 or so months. I went dry from meetings not because I didn’t care opposed to making excuses for myself and probably thinking I’ll be fine for a while without the meetings. I couldn’t have been more wrong and am SURPRISED I haven’t relapsed. I haven’t had a craving for alcohol but I’ve been letting my anger get the better of me a lot for quite a while not now and it’s definitely taken it’s toll on myself and especially my wife. There have been a few instances where I have grabbed a bottle of out pure anger to drink it. I didn’t want to drink it for the feeling or taste, I think it was to maybe push my wife away and and just let myself fail because it would have been easier than to actually fave my problems and put the real effort in to fixing what is wrong with me. I still don’t understand fully why I am like this. You’d think I’d have a better understanding after 3 years of sobriety but I don’t have a clue still. I know I need to do something not only for my family but for myself because if I don’t, I will end up pushing everybody most important to me away and I WILL relapse. I went to a meeting tonight. I truly forgot how good it felt to be apart of AA meetings, to know that there others out there just like me, that I’m not the only one going through this and that I am not alone… I don’t really know how I feel fully at this very moment. I have a lot of mixed emotions that are I guess voiding eachother out and I’m in this paused moment where there is nothing. I felt really happy after the meeting was done but it got me thinking a lot about my past, my grandpa, my absent father, my current issues that are causing a huge rift between my wife and I. I guess I felt the need to write and have others like me read it and maybe see a few words of advice or even just to know that there are more of you here for me. I do feel better after writing this down and I am thankful for this app and all of you. Thanks for your time 
Sorry to hear about your relapse. It’s good you were able to realize why it happened and what you can do to mitigate the chances of it happening again but it’s not a given. Each and every day will forever be a struggle for people like us. One day at a time is all we can do. My prayers are with you! Thank you for the reply!
You’ve got some time on me, working on my third year. Most time I’ve had in as long as I can remember. And it helps to hear what you shared tonight. That’s the real deal.
My light has been flickering lately too. If I’ve got any left its because I’ve had this place and some online meetings to help me muddle through. Strange times.
This is how we do it though. Face it. Accept it. Hand it over to something bigger. Take a deep breath and seek the next right thing.
At any rate, you’re surely not alone. Welcome, and thank you for sharing this.
Thanks for sharing this…I really needed to relate to someone right now.
I’m still lost in my sobriety too. Wish I had more answers. I just know drinking isn’t one of them. Congrats on your years, and start doing things for yourself because you’re right, it will come apart if you don’t.
It’s really hard to put it into words on how we are feeling at times. Especially the way we feel right now all we can do is try our best to explain it and talk to others who may also be feeling the same way. Can sometime help put some of it into perspective. I really appreciate the reply. Every comment helps in a huge way and is a little more weight of the shoulders.
Time honestly doesn’t matter when you think about it. Every single day isn’t a given in sobriety or living. Thats why we always say one day at a time. I sorta feel like I’m new to this again as I’ve been dry for 8 months or so and not working the steps. Thank God I didn’t replace. I did a zoom meeting tonight and it felt amazing to see other people’s faces and here their stories and wisdom. I needed it so badly and didn’t even realize it fully until I made.this post.
You are absolutely right though. We need to face our fears of sobriety and the low times that come with it at any given moment no matter how big or how small. We can’t control everything that happens so surrending what we can’t control to whatever higher power we belive in will only help us in our next day to do it all over again.
I really appreciate your reply so much. Thank you!