I'm a mom, and an addict

Your Story
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Addict. At times I still cannot say it aloud without feeling that pang of guilt. There are those moms who seem to have it all together. Soccer practice, PTA meetings, baking, being beautiful. Me? I may appear that way at times, but I assure you, my ducks have many times (and usually are) just wandering around, paddling into nothing.

The guilt: Just thinking about how much I absolutely love and adore my sons, it seems impossible that I ever allowed alcohol to gain such a stronghold on me that it quite literally ripped my world apart. More than once. But alas, here we are. It is literally a disease. How do you know? Well, once you put it in your body, your brain switches to survival mode. It’s as if something terrible will happen if you stop. It doesn’t let you stop until you are forced. I am here to tell you. It truly f*%#ing sucks.

I cannot say when the actual “addiction” began, all I can tell you is that one minute I am welcoming my firstborn, beautiful baby boy into the world, and the next thing I know, I am involved with CPS for going to pick up my son from kindergarten under the influence.

Next child: CPS for passing out from drinking while he is in my care.

Child three: Once again, in the middle of a case (currently) because guess why? Ding ding! Our old friend alcohol. Fighting with baby daddy.

I am sharing this because I don’t want to feel alone, and if there is a mom out there that I might reach, to let them know they aren’t alone, then I have made a difference. That is important. It’s important for my recovery, and for my general empath needs… (We will get into that later)

So far, they have temporarily placed my sweet baby boy with his paternal grandma, and I am allowed to see him at a minimum 3 times a week. I am supposed to be doing a substance abuse evaluation to see what level of outpatient treatment I will need. This is not my first rodeo, but this time it is different. I had an actual vision, an “awakening” if you will. I was so totally sober, then when the damn bottle was placed in my face, it all splintered like a car window that was punched but didn’t break all the way through. My friend and therapist (not mine) called it “not a relapse, but a recurrence.” I like that.

So, if you want to join me on my journey, feel free. I will remember what said friend told me as well: “Abracadabra. What I speak, becomes.”

Next court date is 8/22…Let’s speak some good things into existence. Abracadabra.

To be continued…

-Angela

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Welcome to the forum, and thanks for sharing part of your story. You sound self aware and motivated to get sobriety to stick for you now. Glad you’re here for support and to offer support to others.

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Definitely! Nice to meet a fellow mama in recovery :blush:

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Thank you!! Yeah this time around, I literally had a vision, and it scared me so bad I can’t even explain. We’ve got this :muscle:t2:

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Thank you for your share :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: i am also a proud mama, my sons are 2 years old next month, and 2.5 months old. I am in residential treatment battling my addiction to meth and heroin, and I love where I am today! 60 days clean! I have my baby here with me ro keep me motivated, but I only see my 2 year old 2-3x a week :pensive: but it IS something, right?? I am also DHS/CPS involved, but I try to look at it as a resource for opportunities for help i need, that i didn’t have access to before, you know? I hope that helps you with your feelings of guilt. We are only human. It WILL get better, with hard work, we just need to remember who’s important: those babies, and ourselves!! YOU CAN DO THIS ANGELA, IM HERE TO CHEER YOU ON MAMA!!!

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Brooke you are absolutely right! What an amazing mama you are, you are focused and determined, and you definitely helped me see things from a different perspective. Yes, something is better than nothing, always…Thank you so much for that :heart:
Yes, we can do this!!! Thank you for the motivation and positivity!

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I am also a mom and I can really relate to that feeling of utter devestation when I realized I couldnt stop using, even when it started to put my child in harms way. I thought that I could stay clean for my daughter, I thought that because I love her more than life itself I could stay clean for her. I didnt know I was powerless over addiction… I do now. I am glad you mummas are here and working on a healthy life for you and the kids. :heart:

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I can relate to your message more than you know, I completely understand. I thought it was just that I was a bad person, a bad mother, that maybe I didn’t have the love I thought I did… But at the same time, I knew that I love them so much. I needed to be angry at the addiction, not myself. I’m so glad you are here, and you’re taking the higher path as well :heavy_heart_exclamation:

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There are boatloads of memoirs from moms struggling with alcohol/addiction. Elizabeth Vargas and Laura McKowen have great memoirs and I can’t recommend enough.

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Thank you so much :blush: I will definitely look them up!

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I’m a mom as well, to a 6 year old boy. And even though he was never present and didn’t have to witness the actual act of addiction, I definitly wasn’t the mom I could’ve been, if drugs werent in my life. I was around but I really wasnt “present” bcuz my mind was often fighting with itself. The inner battle was constant. And the emotions that came with all that and feeling like an awful mother ate at me constantly. My son always had what he needed but I often didnt have the energy to play as much or to teach him new things etc. The guilt KILLED me. And I felt stuck bcuz I wanted more than anything in this world to be clean and sober, but yet that addictive voice would make me justify my using or convince me that I needed it or that I couldn’t cope without it. It’s a LIE. And tonight I’m celebrating 6 months of recovery. We make bad choices sometimes but we are not bad people. We love our kiddos and want the best for them. There was a saying that I read that I have never forgotten about to this day:
You say that you would die for your child… but would you live for them?
And that hit me like a brick. You can do this!! I truly believe that u can :slight_smile:

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What an absolutely accurate description of being lost in addiction and wanting so badly to be a present parent…I have been in the exact same place and I am still working through that guilt. I thought I was getting a good mom because they had what they needed and were in a “safe” place… But, I was lost…Well, I’m glad you are here and CONGRATULATIONS!!! That is a wonderful achievement! Yay!!! :purple_heart:

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I have 3 kids, and my soberiety is the single greatest, selfless act that I could ever do for them.
My kids would day “daddy you smell like beard” as I’m saying prayers with them. Or my drunk ass falling in the kitchen with an infant in my arms, luckily no harm. I know that pep talk that you give yourself on the way to daycare " OK, you had 7 beers, but light beer, a shot if cologne and double up on the juicy fruit and the lady at the door will have no idea. Then I can go home and get really wasted ".
We place so much guilt on ourselves for what we have done, but we cannot chage that. What we can change is what’s in front of us. Children are so precious, they never asked to be here, we knowingly brought them into this world and we owe it them to provide them with unconditional love.
Stay strong, your kids deserve you.

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Thank you Eric, truly thank you…I was that person. Body spray, gum, thinking I’m so good… Driving, losing my grip, falling over furniture in front of them. Yes the guilt is awful but you are right, I can’t change it, I can make new, good memories with them. Although my oldest is 19 now, I can still let him know I it was never his fault… They are my world, I still have a chance with my 10 year old and 2 year old. They do deserve us, the best version of us…

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How did it go on Monday?

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I asked the judge if what my son’s grandmother told me is accurate, they when she comes over it should only be for an hour, and my son’s dad asked them when they could spend the night.
The judge said he personally doesn’t mind, he thinks the more the better but it’s ultimately up to the Guardian At Litem, basically Wayde’s attorney. He’s coming over Friday to see how we interact with Wayde. Next court is 9/16, same day as my substance abuse evaluation… That will be the adjudication day. Thanks for asking :slightly_smiling_face:

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Sounds like it was a constructive conversation :innocent: That’s helpful :+1:t2:

Take care and believe in yourself. You’re working on being the healthy person you need to be; you’re asking for help and making changes and following advice. You’re growing, and that’s life. :innocent:

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Thank you :blush: I just hope Friday goes good with the GAL coming over, her makes me more nervous than anybody, and I haven’t even met him yet :joy:
I’m all in on this, I feel better every day, today is day 20!!! Woo hoo! So… How do I get an image on my little circle where the B is? :thinking:

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Thank you for sharing your story. I too am a mom, and an addict.
Luckily - just sheer luck - I didn’t have any issues with the social services etc., mostly because my mother was here. Still is, but now in a role of a real grandma :slight_smile:
My son did witness a lot of my drunken tantrums. Later, when I started my sober journey, we talked about it. He understands, as much as an 11 year old can understand what an adult can do to himself.
Anyhow, he is now pretty relaxed, when we are out or at home he doesn’t look at my glass suspiciously and with worry in his eyes. The other night, though, I had to help a friend with something, and later phoned to say we were going out for a drink and that he will sleep at my mom’s and I will come at her place around 23. And I heard him saying, half worried half surprised: “A drink?” So I explained that it is an expression, even when you go and have a sparkling water or a detox juice or a ginger ale (it’s what I drink when out).

Oh, sorry for the digression.
Good luck with everything. Visit this forum daily, because, as many will tell you, here you can find tons af advice, a helping hand, lots of understanding and empathy.

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