So the last time I was here was Jan 2021. Since then I’ve been drinking and smoking. Some months have been a large a mount and some months not as much. The one thing that’s ALWAYS been there for me since 2007 is the fact that i plan my life around the alcohol. So for instance I never drink if i know I’m working/driving/have responsibilities the next day. I’ve always seen this as a strength to be able to do that (to wait) however that doesn’t mean I have control over my drinking, that’s the drinking still in charge. So I look at my calendar for the week ahead and see which days/nights I can drink. I also feel the anxiety building during the day when I know I can have a drink that night and now I think about it I’m clock watching not just to get out of work but to buy alcohol. The drive home is normally one of a mix between relief (because i know I’m about to drink), excitement and anxiety. What does the alcohol do for me? It allows me to break down the deeper emotional barrier that stops me from crying and feeling. So I drink and drink until i cry! Sometimes I dont cry at all and im just drinking, beer after beer after beer until I feel sick and then its a long night on the sofa. I wake up alot, move between my bed and the sofa and never really sleeping! The cigs are linked to me being able to think, plan and stay calm especially in the morning with a coffee on my balcony!
So why now? Well I’m sitting here in my flat typing this with a slight hangover, I’m tired and I can feel the alcohol through my nose when I breathe (i know that sounds weird) as I had a few with an old friend last night down the pub. All the way through I had an air of disappointment in my head, I wasn’t really enjoying the drinking or smoking. Im also trying to stay active and fit. I practise a martial art and im just not healing and or recovering very well. My body needs to heal now physically and mentally.
Also recently ive been watching some short clips about other people going through similar. In my head im saying lets start the clock and try a year without the booze and cigs. But im scared that as once the goal is reached i pat myself on the back and just start drinking and smoking again. So its now start the clock for the rest of your life which sounds/feels like a daunting task! My main fear is going to be the psychological fight, mood swings the feeling of my friend/buddy being taken away etc. Am I strong enough? Turn the page.
Anyways, ive re set both clocks and im going to see how I go. I have beers in the fridge and a half pack of cigs on the kitchen counter. Im not going to move them, throw them away or anything else im just going to let them sit there.
It’s not the amount we drink, nor the consequences, nor the number of years we have been drinking. It’s the obsession with drinking that gets us to always return to it and then the craving that we handle by drinking more than planned or intended or desired, those are the hallmarks of alcoholism, as I see it.
You are announcing your intention, without specifying a plan. And you’re leaving your temptations in place. What is your plan, what steps are you taking towards wellness and sobriety?
Welcome back! At first I was going to suggest throwing it all away so the temptation isn’t there. However, I have done the same and then just turned around and bought more. This time around, I have had liquor in my cabinet and beer in my beer fridge through the entire process. September 18th will be my FIRST 12 months sober since I first started drinking 20 years ago. So maybe there is something to be said about it still being around. I think the idea of never drinking again sounds daunting. So when we throw it all out, it’s like leaving a bad relationship. You start to miss the person, as bad as it was, and continue to go back because you miss having them around. Perhaps from the psychological sense, if you were to still have them around as a “friend” and saw them regularly just “hanging out” but no longer romantically/emotionally, it would be easier to finally let them go. So maybe you could take that same psychology over to the relationship with alcohol. At least in my case it’s been that alcohol is still around, but we are no longer romantically involved. I choose not to “be” with alcohol anymore, even when I have it in my home and am regularly around others who are drinking. I wouldn’t trade my new healthy relationship with sobriety for a cheap one night stand with alcohol (the bad ex boyfriend).
Im not too sure at the moment. Day by day is the obvious answer. What did help last time was feeling the physical benefits from it. I went a whole year with out both about 7 years ago and I felt amazing. Ive also planned certain things at certain for the next 4 days to see if i stick to it ie read for an hour, watch something educational for an hour, work for 5 etc etc
What helped me was to have at least one sobriety specific action per day that took 2 or so hours, including travel time. I needed that physical action to counteract the years of inertia that, left unchecked, would have me tending back to thinking about drinking. I went to an alcohol counselor, to AA meetings, and eventually to an outpatient program for a few months. In the first month, I also used Antabuse. There are other medications as well.
Have you checked out these ideas? Having an open mind and being willing to try just about anything was key for me.
When I finally gave up, surrendered I got rid of everything that had to do with alcohol. Having it in my house would have been useless. It is reckless. It was tough to imagine future events without alcohol. When I was still bargaining with me before I quit with the goal of quitting and returning to moderate I had fear to start because I knew there would be this and this event coming where it would have been impossible to be without alcohol. So I didn’t go when I quit.
I hope you will find here and this time what was missing, your motivation to jump into this journey called recovery.