I can’t deal with things at the moment. I’ve struggled with pornography for years, and it’s never gotten better. Just relapsed again for the thousandth time. I’m dealing with a breakup with a girl I really love and I know it would never work out, she’s an alcoholic, emotionally unstable, sleeps around as an unhealthy coping mechanism (slept with 3 guys right after I broke up with her) and then comes back to be emotionally dependent, as well as she cuts herself, and did so as well. I can’t fix her and I can’t plan for a future with her, and so I’m trying to sever ties because this is a fucking nightmare and it hurts so much and I feel responsibility for when she falls into these unhealthy coping mechanisms even though its not my fault, I’m still gonna feel guilty. I know I need to cut all contact with her and just have it be over with but the guilt and pain might kill me. I can’t handle my life at home, my parents are strict and seem to control every aspect of my life (kept the girl mostly private from them, obviously wasn’t a great idea but besides the point) and I can’t handle the constant restriction and monitoring. They know about my addiction and have tried to help (their definition of help is lock down my phone and computer to the point where I can access less of the internet than a prison inmate can, I have to have them manually allow every website I visit) which never worked, it only got worse. I relapsed, and relapsed hard a few hours ago. The stress and pain and worry is killing me, I can’t stand what’s happening, I was driving and I’m just trying to block out the thoughts and pain, I can’t think straight and I have a fucking test tomorrow to study for and nothing feels right and I normally don’t break down like this ever but all of these events plus the events of the past year have just conglomerated and I feel like I have voices in my head screaming at me and I can’t do anything but drown them out. This is a nightmare. I want my addiction and the pain of this to be over, and just fix myself. I hate this.
I don’t know how anyone would respond but I just needed to get this out of my head
Let me first day this: I’m happy you reached out for support, I’ve dealt with a porn addiction for 30 years, i know the pain and anguish it cost. I also know it’s a poor coping strategy for dealing with life’s many stressers. Im going to invite you to a chat we have here for those specifically with your issue, where you can speak freely and in detail if you want. You are far from alone.
We all fall apart sometimes 
maybe us addicts more than most but it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.
Im an alcoholic but I do know the pain of relapse, im really sorry youre going through it. Do you have access to therapy or counseling? You did a great job reaching out here for support and im glad the comment above was able to get you to the specific group for you. When the voices are screaming at me, picking up the phone and calling someone or posting here is the only way to make them stop.
Wishing you the best, truly. You can use this as a check in and let us know how youre doing.
So what about talking to a therapist? Join SLAA? Consume some books, podcasts? Dr Rob Weiss is one authority that comes to mind.
Rock bottom is good. Only one direction from here.
Hi @mainstreet, Matt here, also in recovery from the same stuff as you, and I understand. I’ve been there.
You are describing the obsession, the way it takes over your mind. You see the problem with that, and you want freedom. That’s good.
You are talking a lot about what other people are doing (your ex-gf; your parents). Best to dial that back and focus on what you are doing (and ask yourself about what you’re not doing). Focusing on what other people do will get you nowhere. It’s a mental avoidance strategy. It’s a way of escaping responsibility, just like the addiction is a way of escaping responsibility.
I have added you to a private message thread for people in recovery from sex / lust / porn addictions. Everyone there understands what you’re going through right now and can offer insight.
I would suggest you visit a meeting focused on sex addiction recovery. www.SA.org changed my life. You can’t do this alone. No one can. That’s not a bad thing; it’s a good thing: you are learning how to have healthy relationships, first with yourself (which you learn from the group), then healthy friendships with people in the group.
One more thing: when you’re talking about your parents and your ex gf, you say “kept the girl mostly private from them”. Don’t call your ex gf “the girl”. It dehumanizes her. Use an appropriate pronoun or use “my ex”, or another human reference.
@Matt hey, thanks, sorry I did phrase things kind of odd, I’m not really conflating my addiction with the events of other people. The issues I’m going through and other stressors are separate from the addiction, and so I’m not trying to dodge responsibility with that, to be clear, I’m fully aware I’m responsible for my addiction, and not the people around me. But I do appreciate the support and advice, thank you. And as for calling her “the girl” I’m really not trying to be dehumanizing of her, I didn’t love her because I perceived her as some sexual object, it was the person she is that I fell in love with, she’s sweet and kind and funny and smart and I wish it didn’t have to end. I’m only calling her the girl and not ex-gf because I feel like ex-gf is a weird title for what this is, it feels like it makes my feelings for her feel like less. “The girl” definitely isn’t the way I wanted to call her, but obviously I can’t say her name and I didn’t want to just say ex-gf. Anyhow, those are my clarifications I guess. I’m hurting because of the events that are happening, and I’m hurting I can’t seem to get over my addiction. I hope that clears up some things, because mainly this post was just a way to express the pain of it all, I didn’t mean to self-victimize or dehumanize the girl I love, it just all hurts, and it’s hard to phrase it well
Thank you, yeah it’s definitely a poor coping strategy, and I want it done, I appreciate the support
Hey, thank you, I really appreciate the understanding, I’m doing better, I was just in a terrible mental state for a little bit. The voices stopped screaming, and I feel calmer, and I feel like I can hope things will get better. It still hurts, but I can at least think straight now, and I can process it, and I can’t express enough how much I appreciate the support, thank you.