I need to vent a little. So ive struggled with suicidal ideation a lot over the past 10 or so years and i kept getting mad at myself for being a coward and not just ending it. But I realized recently that i wasnt just passively staying alive just cause, its a decision ive made time and time again. And im gonna keep going. Even though its getting really hard again, i have to.
I lost a friend to suicide around this time last year. She sent me a long message and a song, and i didnt hear from her for a few dayd then her mom said she took all her meds at once and 9 days later she got taken off of life support. I still haven’t realky spoken with my therapist about it. Ive mentioned in passing what happened but i havent really told her how i feel. How angry i am, how sad, how lost, so many things. I was numb to it for a while from drinking but obviously not a thing for me anymore (10 months sober on Saturday).
Tldr, depression is a bitch, i wanna kill myself but i lost a friend to it and the guilt hurts a lot so now i wont, and talk to someone if youre feeling shitty. Take care everyone
Talking is soo important, so I’m glad you opening up about your mental state and your loss.
It’s a lot to deal with so please do not try to do this all alone. Venting here is a great step and I hope you can do the same with your therapist.
I read somewhere that I person who is suicidal doesn’t want to kill himself, he just want to stop feeling so miserable. So there is a lot of grey between the black and white that can be changed for the better if you understand what I mean (it’s difficult to express myself in English because I’m Dutch).
So again my respect for opening up and keep going like you said. You are heading the right direction and we are here for you when needed!
i know how you feel. i lost a friend to suicide a few years ago she went in such a horrifying way and i feel so guilty think i could have stopped her if i had read her text sooner. she told me how she felt and how she couldnt go on, next thing i knew i saw cops, firefighters, and ambulances down by the train tracks we used to hang out at all the time. got a call from her mom saying it was her. all i could think about for ages was seeing her again and taking my own life too. i developed depression with psycotic fetures and heard voices telling me to do it but i did talk about it and now im doing a lot better. getting that support is all someone needs sometimes to feel like they arent alone and getting that help is the best thing you can do. i do think you should tell your therapist how you feel so they can help you process and get through it. congrats on 10 months and i belive in you. you will be ok, it will take time but you will be ok:purple_heart:
Hello @Ridesende I’m glad that you shared openly about this struggle. By talking about it we remove the stigma that it has in society. Suicidal ideation is so common for so many people and if we don’t talk about it, it gains power in isolation.
This is a struggle I’ve dealt with for so many years, and it was my go to in stressful situations. Recently my oldest son opened up to us about his struggle with it, and that scared the living poop out of me, but by talking about it with him I am hopeful that he feels more comfortable coming to his mom or I, and that he knows it’s okay to feel this way but that he has so much support, love, and understanding within his close family.
There are crisis lines out there in any moment that someone feels they need it. They are people who are literally there to talk to anyone in need at any given moment for any given reason. Picking up that phone to make that call or text shouldn’t hold any shame at all, especially since you and everyone else is so vital and cherished in this thing we call life.
Thanks for having the courage to come here and share about this hardest of subjects to share about. And also thanks for trusting this place and the folks here enough to share Amanda. Depression is a bitch. You’re not alone.
That is a heavy burden to bear. Even if logically you know that a person will do what they will do, and you couldn’t stop it, that little ‘what if’ voice still whispers. I do think it would be good to talk with your therapist about it directly. Sending peace.
Depression is really f@&"^ing hard… dealing with loss on top of it is so much. You have a whole community here to help you. I hope youre doing okay. My favorite quote: if youre still here, youre not struggling with depression. Depression is struggling with you.
Hang in there
Ive been a bit sad about my friend who passed just over a year ago now. She died by suicide around this time last year, but im finally talking about it and facing it head on.
Other than that things have been good. Im moving soon before i start school in January so ive been keeping busy lol.
Being sad and missing her is absolutely okay and to feel. It’s actually healthy to do so. Just remember that it doesn’t need to consume you or make you feel like you need to be afraid of it. Have you journalled before?
I did a letter writing thing in my previous therapy session and it helped a lot. Her death was so sudden i never really got to say goodbye. It stings a little but mostly im at peace with it now
Maybe write her that letter, and when you’re done do something with the letter to let go of that feeling, like burning the letter, or sending it in the mail with no address to or from?
Not very good. Had some flashbacks last night to some child abuse trauma and ended up hurting myself again. Im very tired and my leg hurts. I dont know how to cope with some of the ptsd.
Ive got therapy again next week so im hanging in there.
