Also, I don’t really have any close friends at school right now and it’s hard. Cause the few friends I have are seniors so they’re leaving soon. And idk. I want to get close with them but they all have friends already and are leaving soon and I’m annoying and weird and idk. Oof. Sorry this is so long.
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Just checking in. I’m doing pretty ok. I’ve had some urges, but I’m doing ok and haven’t acted on any. Been going to the gym a lot, which is fun.
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What do you do at the gym? It’s great that you’re going so often and that you’re enjoying it! Are there any group classes there you could take to start getting to know people?
Peaches are lovely! When they are just ripe and juicy… Delicious 
And what you think is weird is actually what makes you interesting. You just haven’t found your tribe yet. In the meantime though you have us! 
I do 15-20 minutes on the elliptical, then I do weights and machines. Squat machines and lots of bodyweight exercises. Also bench presses and stuff like that. Upside down rows. Lots of weights. Idk if there are classes I could take with my schedule. I also don’t like people and I like music. I might try a class about some of the new equipment. But yeah.
Omg yes! I love peaches! They barely ever have them though, which makes them special, but it’s still unfortunate.
Yeah. But also I have lots of abandonment anxiety or whatever. I’m always scared I’ll push people away. I hope I do find my group at some point. I’m even scared I talk too much here. But yeah. I’m scared I’m annoying.
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I think I mentioned before that I keep feeling really nauseous every time I eat and it’s happening again and its really annoying. But yeah. Like it mostly happens during lunch. And idk why. But yeah. Oof.
This made me think of the game Just Dance. I tried it and enjoyed it. It was good cardio, I got to move to music, and it can be played by oneself! I don’t have a game console though, so it’s not an option these days. I mainly stick to bodyweight exercises myself. I wish I were more comfortable with the gym… I’ve got some baggage related to that so I’m not quite ready yet, but I’ll get there eventually.
Fear not! This is not the case. Not by a long stretch. (If only it were as easy as “fear not”, lol). I get you though. Whenever I’ve got something good with other people, my subconscious finds a way to be terrified I’m messing it up. I suspect the usual things we do to overcome our anxiety would apply to this as well.
Do you eat your lunch around other people? I’ve found it to be worse when others can notice me eating.
Oh my God, the game on Wii? I remember that game. Same here. We have no consoles either. I do bodyweight if I can’t get to the gym. Aww that stinks, but at least you’re doing stuff at home. Good for you! I couldn’t go to my mom’s gym and I had a panic attack when I tried, so I kind of get it. (Idk if that’s at all similar to what’s up with you at all)
Haha yeah, I wish it was that easy😆. Same. I’m always scared of messing up. Yeah. I normally just try to examine what I’m thinking and understand that my feelings are ok, but the thought isn’t actually true.
I do. It’s in a room with about 10-15 people. Yeah. It’s way worse. I’m also way better wwhen I’m in class. I think it’s cause I’m in the back and I’m distracted. Idk. Oof. It’s bad. Also I randomly get really nauseous throughout the day too. So idk.
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I’ve been hating on my body recently. And having trouble with food some. And I hate how fat I am. And idk. I’ve been really anxious and out of it. Idk. Oof.
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Are you getting treated for that?
No. What do you mean?
It’s happening again. I feel so nauseous. Maybe it’s cause people are seeing me. Maybe it’s cause I know how bad the food is. Idk. Maybe it’s like I feel like I have to eat a ton of food all at once. Plus, I get sick from some foods. And I still don’t know why.
Update: I’m eating! Whoo! I think a big part of it is convincing myself I’m not going to actually throw up, I’m just uncomfortable. So I’m kinda doing it.
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Eating disorder
I don’t have that. I think it’s more about my social anxiety. And also about wanting to look good and be liked and stuff, ya know? Your basic social anxiety stuff.
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I mean, I used to hate myself so much that I wouldn’t eat, but not anymore. I just eat healthier now and I work out. So I don’t think that ed is a problem for me anymore.
I just saw one of my old posts and now I’m crying. I can’t believe I was so horrible. I feel like an awful person. Ah well. I’m a little nicer now. I hope.
@Phoebe It is never too late, I am taking classes on Coursera.org. I am glad I am taking these classes now that I am quitting alcohol. It requires concentration and focus which occupies time and the mind. Both of which help.
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That’s true. Nice! Good for you! I’m taking one this summer. Exactly. Plus, the benefits will be great! Keep it up! You got this!!!
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Oh wow that’s really awesome. You’ll be super healthy with all that! And so good that you’re managing to eat and getting some healthy habits built up there too. Honestly it works so much better when you do it gradually. Much better to build in good habits that you will stick with over the long term. I know that doesn’t help when you feel self conscious right now but it really sounds like you’re on the right track!
And I don’t remember you being horrible 
But if you were, it’s ok. We all lash out sometimes when we feel bad. Can’t change the past, can only work with what’s in front of us right now. And you are doing so well with that!
Lol yeah. I think it’ll just take time. Yeah, exactly. I’m working on it. Yeah, it doesn’t help much now, but I think after a while, it’ll help.
Lol thanks. I just got really emotional and defensive. Yeah. Thanks. I’m working on it.
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I decided I’m going to email my therapist about flashbacks and anxiety and all that stuff. And idk. I couldn’t talk today despite being in physical pain and being nauseous. So idk. I hate being like this. I always want to talk but then I chicken out and idk. I hate that I’m like this.
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