Infidelity and Cyber Affair

Hi everyone I hate airing out my dirty laundry online and sorry for the long post but have no one else to talk to about this. My wife and I have been together for 13 years and married for 6 1/2. We have 2 daughters aged 2 and 5. While dating she had sent nude photos to her best friends husband at his request and another time kissed a guy friend. Both times I took her back and we worked things out. I am 362 days sober and our relationship has been much better despite her still drinking more than she should every day. Well last Friday I was getting the kids videos ready for them to watch on their amazon firepad and she had an email notification pop up that looked suspicious. So I clicked on it and she sent screenshots to herself of a conversation she has been having with a guy online. My heart instantly sank and my stomach hurts still til this day. I waited til the kids went to bed to confront her. She at first denied and played stupid like she did each other time I found out. When she finally confessed she said they started on instagram this past March then began texting. She said she didnt want to get caught texting so they went to google hangouts. I got to read only their hangout conversations since everything else has been deleted. It hurt so much to read it but I needed to. They had songs together, nicknames, and talked about how it would have been if she met him first. They said they loved eachother and called themselves bf/gf. She sent pictures of herself and my children(one was my daughter’s first day of school which will be a trigger for me now til the day I die.) He lives in Maine and they talked about meeting and how she couldn’t resist him if they ever met. She said that she could never leave her family but she needed to feel his touch. This would happen all day everyday. When I was there she’d say “damn he’s coming to bed now” or “just wait he’s leaving soon” all right behind my back. She sent him our home address and my place of employment. As I read on I notice his english seems a bit off, his pictures look too good to be true, and he always has a problem(got covid, mom has covid, fell at work, bad car accident was in a coma, and got his paycheck stolen.) I knew she was scammed. He would ask for gift cards and for her to cashapp him money. She sent him $200 in cash to an address in Maine that was out of our wedding savings because she hasn’t worked since covid hit. She hasn’t even had money to help me buy groceries which I have been fine with I just worked as much overtime as possible. Needless to say she feels like a complete idiot and is ashamed. Although it was just a scam her feelings and her intentions were very real. I am devastated and feel so betrayed. We are going to individual counseling and marriage counseling soon in hopes to work this out. I don’t want to not see my kids everyday or put them through a divorce but I know deep down I will never be able to fully trust her again and being sober now I see I never have. When I was drinking my self esteem was rock bottom and I took her back every time. I found all 3 instances out myself, what else happened she hasn’t told me about? I’m just so hurt and angry she would do this to me and especially to put my children out there like that. The only positive right now is that I’m doing this sober because I don’t think I would come out of this alive if I was drinking. Sorry again for the long post I tried to shorten it as much as possible I just had to get this out and vent to someone.

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Damn. That’s a hell of a gut punch, I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. You’re a good man for trying to work things out for the benefit of your children.

Like you said, the silver lining is that you’re sober. Stay strong and I’m glad you shared here instead of keeping it all bottled up. I hope everything works out for you and your kids, and know your TS fam is here for you.

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I’m so sorry. That was hard to read. You are not doing anyone any favors staying together. Its going to be hard but sometimes you just can’t fix what is broken. Hang in there and we are always here to listen.

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Oh wow, that is a lot and I am sorry to hear it. Your anger and sadness are certainly understandable. I am so glad you are remaining sober and present thru this challenging time, that is a huge gift to yourself and your family.

I know for myself, therapy was a big help during some of the especially difficult periods of my marriage, might be something to consider. It helps to have someone to talk with and bounce stuff off.

Sending strength and healing to you.

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Sorry to hear your going through it congrats on staying strong during this difficult time as a MAN sometimes you have to look within and ask yourself is this worth it ? Im better then this i deserve the best and sometimes leaving is the best option mayb a break of some sort . I have my wifey of 12 years childhood teenage years adult life you name it shes THE ONE :blush: she did the same thing to me last year i forgave her you better beileve she does something like that again IAM GONE and will focus on me myself and you can throw away all church wedding talk having babys talk all that mess i know who iam and what i deserve truth be told :triumph: stay strong and keep fighting the good fight :boxing_glove:

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Hi Nolan,

That’s really tough. I personally don’t believe there is any amount of counseling that can offer you your trust back. A relationship without trust is like a body without a spirit. This isn’t her first time or even 2nd time for that matter… she’ll likely do it again. I hope you can work it out, truly. Good luck.

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That’s my predicament… Do I stay together for the kids so they don’t live between seperate homes or do I do what needs to be done so they can see me completely happy. I know the right answer it’s just so hard that it came to this. I just want what is the healthiest for my kids.

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In my personal opinion…growing up in a messed up family did not help us kids… it gave a fucked up idea on what healthy relationships are. Only my personal two cents.

If anything she needs therapy and you need therapy to process this.

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Thank you and yeah I had to get this out. I didn’t want to take this to friends or family in the event we stay together I don’t want to look like a total pushover. I just don’t see how we can stay together and be happy at this point. Thanks for the kind words!

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Reading this broke my heart.

My husband (we are split now pending divorce) cheated on me the ENTIRE 10 years of our marriage.

The pain you feel, it’s going to be there. You don’t know me, but my honest opinion is that you need to take whatever necessary steps to stay SOBER.

and remember. Those negative thoughts didn’t earn their place there. Its almost too strange that on my video today I talk about negative intrusive thoughts. Anyway though… I absolutely understand. The love. The time together. THE LOVE.

It’s the worst when you thought it was okay just to find that someone was wishing you were someone else.

We are here and will be supportive no mTter what you decide.

Hang in there.

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I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore at this point. I feel like I owe it to my kids to try but I know I won’t ever trust her again. I always said I won’t stick around if it happened again and just prayed it wouldn’t but here we are. Thanks for input man it truly helps.

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It’s good to not bring to family and friends, I agree, wise choice for exactly why you said. Having a therapist to talk thru it with is definitely my suggestion, you don’t have to bear this alone. Some relationships can move thru such difficulties with time and work and others cannot. No shame either way, but having someone to bounce stuff off can be helpful for you as you process. I imagine there are some helpful books out there as well that might help you work thru this.

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Let me begin by saying I am not excusing her behavior. This was a breach of trust. A breach of the marital contract. Not only an emotional infidelity, a financial infidelity as well. Furthermore, she exposed not only herself to a scammer, she exposed you and your children. Who knows what evil could be perpetrated upon your entire family, including your children. They know your address. They know where you work. Worst of all, they know what your kids look like, and perhaps their names. She needs to be made to understand just how foolish and selfish her actions have been. The fact that there wasn’t a physical infidelity is a minor consideration in the broader context.

You have every right to be angry. You have every right to seek a divorce, and could make a very compelling case to be granted physical custody of your children.

All this being said, it is clear that you do love her in an emotional sense. Can you love her in an active sense? You deserve justice, but can you temper this with mercy? Could you look at her need for outside validation as some sort of emotional addiction? She could be sneeking off and hooking up with randoms, were it a true sexual addiction, but it would appear she’s seeking to fill some emotional void in her psyche.

Could you resolve to love her, inspite of her addiction, if she’s actively and demonstrably working a formal program to fix herself? What is the upside to continuing the marriage? How would the kids react to a divorce?

Only you can answer these questions. I’m a pretty stoic guy, but my heart breaks for you. I pray that you see the best path for you, your children, and your broken wife. The path is yours, and only yours to choose. Peace.

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Definitly ! You owe it to your kids for a better future better life better YOU this is the time to focus on yourself you will be okay you will have peace of mind it wont happen from day to night yes living with a significant other for a great period of time then walking away its a process just like sobriety or weightloss or anything your commited to …pain always comes first before the sunshine but there wont be any amount of pleasure that will compare to good mental health and a peace of mind knowing you can sleep at night sleeping next to someone whos betrayed you does not deserve your best apperantly she has other plans other ideas a diffrent future it sucks i know but when its time to let go its time .

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That what I want for my kids is for them to see a healthy partnership and I know deep down that I can’t do that with her at this point. I can go through the motions but I will never be completely happy or show true love like I know I can. It’s just not there anymore.

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I know her relationship with her father is awful. She definitely seeks the attention and validation of men. Looking back now I realize the first time she cheated I was never fully able to give her the loving cuddling emotional support she needs. I didn’t have it in me. But prior to that I did and it still didnt make a difference. Thank you for your input I’ll be taking an honest look at these questions you provided.

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Thats the worst knowing I thought we were great when she was getting the emotiinal support elsewhere while resenting my existence at the same time. Best of luck to you and thank you so much for your input!

Love is action, not feeling. Love is a decision, a choice. Trust can be rebuilt. Redemption can be had.

That last year of my drinking, my wife had to make a choice to love me. I was emotionally checked out. She couldn’t trust or depend on me to handle my share of life’s burden. Sure, I was faithful, in that I wasn’t out chasing women, or chatting them up online. I wasn’t looking at porn either. But I wasn’t being faithful to her, because I was drunk, and emotionally flat. I was selfish in that I was putting the bottle ahead of her, and our child.

When I told her I was ready to quit for good, I saw the skepticism in her eyes. She’d heard me say this too many times, only to see me choose to drink again. It took time for her to trust me again, but each sober day, a little of it came back. Somewhere in there she decided it was OK to believe in “us” again, and every day sober just strengthens that trust. I hope this helps.

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This explains much, and excuses nothing. We are all survivors of our childhoods. However, I believe in Kaizen, that people can choose to get better at getting better. I believe in the strength of forgiving someone who is genuinely remorseful and wants to be better. To believe otherwise is to deny the forgiveness and mercy I have received from those who chose to love me.

Some never take that long look in the mirror, and fewer actually do anything to change it. My wife often tells me she’s proud of my sobriety. I tell her she shouldn’t be, as all I am doing is what I should have been doing all along. I thank her for not leaving when she had a very good reason to. I thank her for giving me that last chance to redeem myself, and honor our marriage.

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My heart goes out to you. You both have tough decisions to make.

My parents’ marriage has never been good. That influenced massively in me and my sibling when we were growing up. Mom sought attention from other men. I knew she was cheating but it was never discussed in the family (I was teenager at that point). They stayed together like two strangers living in a same house. Mom did bring up divorce and her moving out when I was 15 but she never followed thru. I don’t know why.

Sometimes I wished they would just separate. Sometimes I was gutted when I thought of them divorcing. I don’t know how our lives would have been had they actually gone separate ways. Just don’t know.

What I’m trying to say, as for your kids, I don’t know if there is a “better” option or even a lesser evil. You have different options with different outcomes and can only make the best out of whatever road you choose.
:heart:

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