I see the strength in you to stay sober. Keep that iron solid strength. Get your own house and rooms for your kids. Leave that stupid cunt. You can never trust her. You can have a solid happy life and see your children plenty.
Exersice little and often, stay healthy.
Rid yourself of all doubt be real and honest.
Your on this planet for a short time.
Be the best you can be.
Be direct and truthful time waits for no one.
2 Likes
What a difficult position to be in! I agree with @Oliviaā¦ my parents stayed married for a long time, but my dad stopped coming home when I was a teenagerā¦ they wouldnāt talk about it, never explained anything to us, even when we asked. My own Dad wouldnāt even tell me where he was living. At the time I didnāt think I cared much, but it obviously caused a lot of issues that I didnāt see till I was older. Looking back, I wish they wouldāve just ended it and moved forward. A lot of people separate and are able to co-parent very well. Sometimes giving their children a better life experience than if they stayed ātogetherā. I wish you the best. Time will guide you. Good luck, stay sober!
4 Likes
I am so sorry for this situation that you have to deal with. It is great that you try to find what is best for your children and I am sure that you will succeed.
My parents are divorced and personally I think it is good that they did so, because they found partners that were a better fit later on. At the beginning I think I was in a bit of disbelief, because I saw no signs of it coming. But sometimes it is better to separate.
āStaying together for the kidsā is not something I think is healthy on the long run.
All the best wishes! 
Z
2 Likes
She definitely has self esteem issues and when covid hit she lost her job and became a stay at home mom. Her father treats her awful and has many issues himself. She felt like her life had no direction being home all the time. Ive tried to comfort her and I know I probably could have done more to help her feel better but in the end she chose to have an emotional affair. Like you said I feel so betrayed and defeated and Iām tired of being the constant guy that she can keep crawling back to after she has disrespected me. Thanks for your input!
2 Likes
I believe that as well. We went to counseling the first 2 times this happened and resolved some issues but I knew deep down that I was broken and couldnāt fully provide the love a husband should for a wife. Going forward I feel it will be the same. I have too much anger and resentment for this to grow into anything meaningful.
2 Likes
I lived that life, numourous affairs both physically and through the internet by my wife. In fact, I never drank an ounce of alcohol until everything was said and done. Not that drinking in excess helped anythingā¦ It got to a point where I resented her, even the sight of her caused an argument. To me it was a tall-tale sign she didnāt value the love I had for her, that she didnāt respect me or the things I did for our family. In my case, I somehow was the cause.
I was able to forgive the first few times, and try to make myself the better person. However, the trust was completely at zero. I found myself, always wanting to see her phone, computer and other means of communication. It wasnāt who I was, but the affairs slowly chip away at my self confidence.
I also, understand that alcohol or any drug makes you do things that arenāt you, but the damage was already done.
Relationships are complicated to say the least, but at the very least she needs accountability and reflection on the hurt and pain she has caused. Iām not saying that forgiveness is out of spectrum, but from personal experience donāt stay for the kids.
It is your choice, but everyone here that has experienced this, will tell you the personal betrayal from a spouse is very difficult to repair without two people working in concert with the same goal.
It is your choice, be ready to put in a lot of personal work either way to make things right.
2 Likes
Wow Nolan. Thatās alot to take in.
I have been a victim of this myself. Circumstances were a tad different but the feeling the same, likewise I took the brunt of the blame, I worked nights and she said she was lonely in my absence so that was her excuse. Of course I fell for it. Each time I took her back each time the same results itās really deflating.
As far as the security concerns why did she tell the guy were you work? It doesnāt seem to make sense that he needs to know that information. However the idea of using CashApp I dont think is very concerning I use cash app all the time with my friends for convenience, its still easy to track cause its linked to my bank accounts.
However this seems like a problem she may have a great escape if you will. Leaving the real world behind in Hopeās of a fantasy. As adults we are faced with real life problems kids, marital household bills, dogs got fleas etc it may be an outlet she is using though unhealthy for a release.
She may also be facing her own addiction problems but using a different outlet, think about it, we drank or used drugs to escape reality she may use her desire and lust for another as a outlet to freedom. While she said she would never leave her family, shes also looking for acceptance and the desire to feel wanted.
The easy answer is to blame yourself, you said she had multiple instances like this in your relationship and its numbing, I felt this way, I changed my whole life thinking that it was a problem when my former was having affairs. It in fact never stopped it,
You are on the right path going for counseling, and I understand the resentment and hurt that goes with finding an unfaithful spouse, its terrifying and heartbreaking
As far as divorce or separation that is going to be a personal decision, I grew up with parents who are still married and have a very unhealthy relationship, it really showed in my own personal relationships for years, they said oh we dont want separate houses etc. But that ess all bullshit
I am a single parent of 2 boys, my kids were 5 and 2 when we separated, I likewise didnāt want to be a part time dad, or put my kids through the visit here, stay there, do this with dad do this with mom. But truthfully I was quite unhappy in my relationship with their mom, they witnessed a toxic relationship right in front of their eyes daily. And it was incredibly taxing on them as well.
Trust issues. I cant help you with. I live by the model of In God We Trust for everyone else thereās NCIC
I wish you the best man. If you need anything feel free to reach out
5 Likes
I donāt think I have much to add, I was just going to say that it seems like your wife is engaging in self destructive behaviors and if it were me Iād want to know why. But, on the flip side, you have changed things in your life and grown and made better choices and so you have to ask yourself if you want to go down this road with someone who is not (at the moment) growing and making good choices. I do want to say that I think a lot happens to a lot of couples behind closed doors that the rest of the world never knows, and what you two decide as a couple and as individuals is not for otherās judgement. At the end of the day, whether you stay or go, will be a lot of work and will take a lot of time, and you should be kind to yourself during the process. Your feelings are valid, and whatever is decided is valid.
11 Likes
My heart breaks for you! Amazing job navigating this while remaining sober! That is huge!
I have been in your shoesā¦8 years of affairs. Fighting and abuse were my lifeā¦I thought I was doing right by my kids by staying. I finally left one dayā¦ almost 4 years later my kids donāt bat an eyelash about us being apart. They have issues with how sad I was, how we yelled and fought (even when I thought they were sleeping). Hearing your storyā¦I would have lost my jesus over the pictures of your children, the information about your address and your place of employment!
6 Likes
Thatās how I was when we were dating trust was at zero and I always wanted to check her phone. That was never who I was and didnāt want to do that. I eventually stopped as time went on but I always had doubt. This time was a fluke finding it the way I did. Ever since her affair started I noticed she was staying up much later than normal, on her phone much more and would have headphones on( most likely listening to their songs they had together.) I thought she just needed an escape at the time being home with the kids all day. I never expected this to happen to me again. Especially since we have kids together and are married unlike the first 2 times. It is going to take many counseling sessions no matter which way I choose but the only way I see us together is for the kids which isnāt fair to any of us. Thanks for your response.
1 Like
That is how I have felt over the last year as I got sober and her drinking increased. We were going in opposite directions. In her messages to him it didnāt even sound like things she would say. She took on a whole new persona almost. I donāt recognize the person she has become and maybe she doesnāt recognize me in my changes over the last year. Thank you for helping!
2 Likes
That was the hardest part for me to see. Sharing pictures of my kids at the park, school, breakfast, etc. There is so many sick people out there and just to give those out like nothing has me livid. Iām glad you made it out of your situation and it does give me hope if that is the route I take. I just canāt see this getting better with how stupid and irresponsible she was.
3 Likes
He asked what I do and she told him what I did and where I worked. Not sure what he could do with that information. As for cashapp I read you can send money to a screen name anonymously and scammers will use it and not to send money unless you know the individuals personally. I donāt know I have never used it personally just going off what I read. I was never extremely happy in our relationship due to past indiscretions I never fully got over. My kids have also witnessed arguments and fighting that they shouldnāt have and with this latest affair I donāt think any of that will improve. Thanks for your advice and Iāll reach out if need be. I appreciate it.
You have received a lot of good advice here but Iām going to stress one thing. DONāT STAY FOR THE KIDS. You need to take care of you. Relationships are such a personal thing and you need to do what is right for you. My heartfelt wishes
7 Likes
Your welcome anytime man.
Yes scammers can use CashApp to take the money and run, itās a bit more difficult to track but I use it all the time. Also difficult to get a return on your funds.
As far as what you said, I was never extremely happy in our relationship since the first affair I can understand that, you almost feel like you begin to trust them again and another affair is around the corner. I trusted my former and was watching her talk to a high school friend via Facebook it didnāt phase me, because I have friends of the opposite sex for years that I never thought of in that manner, turns out he was using her to get him back to the area and he started dating another girl he was talking to from the area. I learned of this when it all imploded on her. It was truly mind numbing and heartbreaking
Your kids deserve you to be the best parent you can be, whether its together or apart, the best you is coming and if she isnāt a part of that. Well her loss
2 Likes
Peopel do crazy shit on drugs and alcohol. I am a serial cyber cheater and have cheated on different physicsl levels. For about 10 years. Some were a kiss, other maybe further (lots further). I was never in your situation thought but I been the shit dude who gets tinder, POF,. Skout and other random dating sites.
I havent met anyone, and I donāt need , or want to - because Iām a dad with a misses and kids I love. Its just the substances stopping me Mainly meth a svi tell you why in a ssand possibly an extremely tiny
Peopel do crazy shit on drugs and alcohol. I am a serial cyber cheater and have cheated on different physicsl levels. For about 10 years. Some were a kiss, other maybe further (lots further). I was never in your situation thought but I been the shit dude who gets tinder, POF,.
Skout and other random dating sitess.
1 Like
If she loves you, and you love her? Iād try again.
1 Like
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Honestly, if this was the first time, I would say that everyone makes mistakes and to really consider your options. But, she has shown her inability to stay faithful over and over again. She will do it again. You deserve better, dude. You have the right to expect more! And, your kids need to see you model commitment to your own future happiness. It will hurt like hell in the beginning, but it will not hurt forever. Stay strong. Stay sober.
3 Likes
I grew up with parents that were not happy together and should not have been together, when they eventually broke up when I was mid-twenties, my reaction was āthank goodnessā. It was an hurrendous upbringing and I wouldnāt wish it on any kid.
Only you know what is right, but as an outsider, she doesnāt sound like a keeper.
5 Likes
Damn man i feel for you. Iām really sorry man.
1 Like