Thanks man it means alot. It has been a long week and I feel like I’ll have many long months ahead. Staying sober is the only thing left I feel like I can control so I’m holding on dearly.
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You’re right about that, stay sober man. I had a relationship fail with my first childs mother… it was hard not seeing him everyday but it was best for him and me to end it, she was fucking toxic. I feel you for sure. We’re all here for you man.
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At least you’re being honest with yourself about it.
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You can vent here anytime you want, Nolan. I feel your pain in your words; I’m sorry you’re going through that. Sending a big hug…
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Personally…I would’ve noped the fuck out of there the first time it happened back when you were dating. A harbinger of things to come, usually. Cheating of any kind is on the short list of “unforgivables”, if you ask me. It’s not hard to not cheat. It’s really something I will never, ever understand.
She not only cheated on you emotionally now, and physically in the past – and it it sounds like she WOULD cheat again physically if given the chance – but she also took money that was supposed to be for you and your family, and proceeded to give it to who was more or less a stranger. I won’t even get into being foolish enough to get roped into such a transparent scam.
IDK, man. I know you’re hurting, but this is the THIRD time she’s betrayed you as well as your family…and that’s just ones you know about. I know it’s another layer to things when a long-standing marriage is involved, as well as children, but what’s the breaking point here? It’s lies on lies on lies. I sure as shit couldn’t be with someone who I couldn’t trust.
Good luck to you, whatever happens. Just keep in mind that drinking will not help in any way.
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Believe me I wish I had the strength the first time to walk away with some pride. At the time I had none. Can’t say I regret it all because she gave me beatiful children but outside of that I feel like a fool. I can’t believe she got roped into it either. I knew it 30 seconds into that conversation. And like you said I would bet there were other times. These are the ones I found out about and she denied until she 100% knew she was caught. I never understood cheating either. I’m obviously loyal to a fault.
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Ahhh, so sorry to hear this.
Found myself in similar position 4.5 years ago.
Stayed with him because I didn’t have the strength to do anything different. Oh, and felt couldn’t do it to the kids, the youngest of whom was only just 1 year old. I felt unable to be a single mum, with a full time career, and estranged from my own family (so no support). When I think about it now, if I had have kicked him out then, our youngest son would have grown up never remembering having his dad at home.
I basically spent the last 4 years either at work, out running, or drunk. Anything to not think about it/deal with it.
I’m in some kind of limbo now. Waiting for it to happen again, I guess.
I don’t know what the answer is, and it is never black and white. The only thing I advise you, is that you stay sober, and take your time to make decisions.
Wishing you a happy future, whatever you decide to do.
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Oh man Nolan. So sorry. But it doesn’t have have to be figured out right now. The only that needs to be done right now is not drinking. Congrats on staying strong. My 2 cents is kids adapt and resilient. Growing up in a deceitful unhappy marriage isn’t healthy for them either. They are young and will be fine. You deserve better and maybe showing them a healthy relationship years from now would be better for them. I will say a prayer for you tonight. Hang in there and focus on 2 things 1) not drinking and 2) those wonderful kids. Best of luck friend.
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Thank you so much for the kind words and prayers! You’re right it doesn’t have to be figured out right at this moment. Trying to keep calm and give myself time to make a rational decision. I was thinking that as well. It may be better years down the road to be able to show them how a real husband should treat them when they get older and how they should treat their spouse as well. The way we are going now hasn’t set the best example although we try to shield them from most of it, it will spill over eventually.
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It may be time to show yourself the same loyalty that you have shown others. Until someone who deserves your loyalty comes along and you can be loyal to each other. 
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I hope you have a good day today, Nolan. 🙋🌺
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I cheated on my boyfriend of 5 years in the height of my addiction-I blame a lot of it on my alcohol abuse but knew I still needed counseling as there were deeper rooted issues to have made me do something so low. If she is worth it, she will go to counseling and figure her shit out. She will prove to you that you are everything in the world she wants and will spend every day trying to gain your trust back. If she isn’t, she doesn’t know the damage she has done to your relationship and to you. You need to think long and hard about what it is you want-being on the other side of things, I can say she did what she did for reasons that are unexplainable but you need to ask the question of why…get closure before you two continue to work together to fix things or not. Try and hear her out. I wish you peace, my friend.
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Thank you so much! Got up made the kids breakfast and went to the gym! Just trying to occupy my time!
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She has agreed to go to counseling and says she is sorry and never would have done anything physical which from what I read I don’t believe for a second. She knows it was wrong but doesn’t see it as cheating. I catch her in new lies about this situation nearly everyday since this has started. That alone shows me she isn’t fully committed to working this out together but protecting her actions. I’ve asked her just to be honest with me so we can start moving forward. We each have alot of work to do and I hope counseling can give her some answers as to why she made those choices and I hope she can have a healthy relationship one day whether it is with me or somebody else. Thank you for your response!
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Wow, well thank you for that it really means so much to hear! I can say there is zero chance I would have handled it this way a year ago when I was drinking. Having TS to talk it out has helped tremendously!
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She may be right though,
I understand you want answers, and right fucking now, I am the same way.
Let it come forward in counseling, its difficult especially with the elephant in the room.
She made it clear to cyber boy that she couldn’t fathom leaving you or your children, and she stated it would have never became physical.
Both of which may be true, like I have said before it may have been a outlet yet very unhealthy outlet for her to express her desires, and experience a rush.
The idea of a great escape was taboo and quite possibly have her a dopamine rush she was looking for, the excitement, the fear of getting caught.
I don’t know your wife’s headspace nor the intricate details of your marriage, but in think its best to allow the experts take a deeper dive, if you push it she might just close down.
I also agree heavily with Stella D, you are handling this way fucking better than I ever would have
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From someone who has cheated and been cheated on, I’d try therapy before giving up. Sorry you’re being abused like that, it’s a shitty feeling and hurts you deeper than pretty much any physical pain ever could.
We, wifey and I, were hanging by a fraying thread when we got sober. Continual cheating, arguments daily, physical altercations, sabotage and all the fun stuff. Couples therapy was part of our care plan, I also did individual therapy. Helped immensely with our communication and just putting things into perspective.
Things are good, better than when we first got together because there’s the old comfy shoe feel and still the flirtatious new love feel, the smile and giggle I didn’t care about for years is again more beautiful than any masterpiece or sunset ever.
I’d give therapy a shot before ending it.
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Yup 
If you both love each other, like REALLY love each other a lot and are willing to put in the work then there is a way out of this. It’s hard. It hurts bAd. But there can be a future after infidelities
I have made no secret on here about my wife’s affair. I didn’t think we could come back from that. But we decided to try.
Both of us went to therapy. Individual and couples. Without that we didn’t stand a chance. After that we understood why it happened.
So I don’t know man. I do know how much you’re hurting. How confused u are. And it sux. Bad.
My advice is seek to seek help. Both of you
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When the bones are good, anything can be rehabbed.
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I am sorry that you find yourself in this position, my friend. You may have already done this, but I would show her this thread. There’s a lot of honesty in here - both from you and the good people who are giving you advice. It lays things pretty bare and polarises into two groups. Stay with counseling and something approaching resolution that will enable you to move forward, or go. They are the only two options that I can see. The third is unthinkable.
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