Since my cataclysmic episode 6 days ago I’ve been sober. I made it 2 weeks before that because I was binge drinking more than I even could stand. My boyfriend left for his safety and his son’s and after this week realized this isn’t healthy, safe, or his version of love. I can’t even begin to explain the immense guilt, shame, and pure disgust I have for myself. For 3 years he put up with it and it would be cruel to keep begging for him back to keep spiraling 5 months later. Throughout the day I stay busy on purpose but nights like tonight, no sleep, just a constant reel of everything I’ve ever done deplorable while drinking. And, as sorry as I am… I can’t fill in the holes of the night he left but late, late at night I get lil snippets and I’m terrified this is me. I lost my best friend of 15 years last year over my drinking and aggressive explosions, and really convinced or wanted to convince myself it was her. A real friend wouldn’t leave. God, how sick am I? How will I ever sleep again? Will this knot in my tummy ever leave? I’ve only known one way to soothe it…
First of all congrats on 6 days! Stay strong and if you want a good nights rest go tall to your doctor and they can put you on sleeping medicine to help with the insomnia. That is what I had to do.
I’m going to have to, I’m eating melatonin like candy and 20 mins here, an hour there… do you have any recommendations on eating? I just can’t bring myself to eat the feeling of guilt is so bad…
You aren’t alone. A lot of us fueled our addictions by reliving our worst moments highlight reel. Keeping our selves in a shame guilt drink cycle. It is true we have all done some really shitty things. We cannot change the past. We can change the present. As times goes on and we feel more solid, we can look back at the past and see where we owe some apologies and make them. We may or may not be forgiven, but that isn’t the point. The point is to own up to what we have done wrong and who we hurt. To acknowledge it for that person’s sake. And what we can do now today is not to drink or use, so we don’t keep making those same mistakes and hurting our selves and others. We learn from the past and move forward.
The past is gone. We cannot change it. We CAN change today by staying sober, hard as it is. We CAN choose to change our selves each day we are given.
It takes time to heal that part of our head where we want to shame our selves over and over. If beating our selves up worked, we would all be free. But in my experience, compassion for our selves and letting go of all that judgment is the way to a free and sober life.
If you need some anger management, there are usually some free programs available at the local domestic violence programs, as well as group help. You can change your life and in doing so you can let go of your shame and guilt. You are worthy of your own love and compassion because you are a human. Don’t ever forget that. 
We are all worthy, no matter our past. Step forward into healing. You deserve that.
Sobbing… thank you. I can’t even comprehend the word worthy right now 
but, I have my intake on the 25th for anger management and substance abuse treatment through counseling and thinking AA might help as well? I over do things a lot. I can’t believe I chose this app, and have found so many people that have made it past this. It seems impossible right now but I do feel hope. Another thing… I’ve been crying and upset over NOT being able to drink. The thing that ruined everything. It sounds crazy but I’m grieving two losses. My boyfriend and my crutch.
So glad you have some anger management coming up. Learning how to feel feelings and react in a healthier way has been super inportant for me. I was so angry for so long.
Worthy can take time and that is okay. We don’t heal overnight and that is okay too. It is a process and you are here.
AA may help sure, anything is worth a try if it calls to you. Do you enjoy reading? This Naked Mind by Annie Grace is a really good book. It helped me a lot.
Also, it is 100% normal to grieve alcohol and that old life. I know, weird, right? But it happens. A book I read recently that addressed that is Push Off From Here by Laura McKowen, that was a good one too.
You are doing this. Proud of you. We all know it is hard. Keep going.
I love reading. And, I’ve been angry for awhile too, it just shows up when drunk. Other than that perfect smile, ppl pleaser. I got so good I fooled myself. I’m going to try the Naked Mind, thank you. I just got this book Demon Copperhead but I think I’ll save it for a time I’m more mentally stable. Sincerely appreciate your words, the knot hasn’t diminished but it’s bearable now.
Oh wow, Demon Copperhead is a FANTASTIC book, but yes, better for a clear head. Try out some of that ‘quit lit’…there is tons, I have lots of recommendations, as do others, so if you like to read you can stay busy with it.
And the people pleaser, yes, me too!! It can go hand in hand with anger…or has in my experience, yours may be very different. I was brought up to be a ‘good girl’ and anger was ‘bad’. Therapy helped me a lot…as did being on here. This was kind of an aha moment for me…
Recognize the signs that anger is present: This may come as a surprise to you, but a lot of people have had so much practice stuffing or detaching from their emotions that they sometimes struggle to recognize their own feelings. 
THIS IS ME. So every 5 months it is explosive and so scary for all parties including me. Then when I reflect I’m utterly disgusted but there’s been times I’ve felt vindicated, like I let them have it and it felt good because I’d never say it otherwise. This is all so barbaric and sad. I don’t know my own emotions.
First of all, you ARE a good person! your feelings of remorse and compassion for those around you is proof of that. Every AA meeting starts with the serenity prayer. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things in life I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
If you really embrace that way of thinking it will help. No, you cannot go back in time. Nobody can. But you control the future. You need to find solace in the fact that you’re going to quit drinking and slowly but surely everything will come back to you. Just look at it this way, it sounds like you hit rock bottom, as sad as that is, the other side of that coin is, there’s only one way to go from here, and that is up! You watch, everything will get better. Best wishes!
Bobby you’re 100% right this is rock bottom. I’ve had a DUI in 2020 during the height of covid and thought that was rock bottom… losing my family takes the cake. But, I suppose you’re right there’s absolutely nowhere to go but up. If I can feel this separation instead of drowning it away I’ll have made the biggest milestone of my adult life. It’s not day by day but, hour by hour over here.
As far as sleeping goes, the human body is amazing. You will sleep, and although Benadryl and melatonin are fairly safe, sleep aids, be careful if you take too much they can have the opposite effect. Eventually come on your body will put you in the REM rebound and you’re gonna sleep like you’ve never slept before.
And for me, in the beginning, I had horrible insomnia. And although it is best to stay up all day, so you could sleep at night, at this point, I would take sleep anytime of the day, which means if you feel sleepy, lay down. And you are really going to have to focus on taking care of you right now and not worrying about the others. Because you can’t do anything for them until you first take care of yourself. The old saying goes that if you were on an airplane and the oxygen masks fall, our first instinct is to put it on those around us. But that is not correct. We have to put it on ourselves first so we are better able to help those around us. I wish you all the best! Please keep coming back we all care about you.
Absolutely sound advice 
Oh, another thing to do when you can’t sleep, one thing about addiction is it doesn’t discriminate. There are people on this site in every time zone on the planet. Lol so you can pop on at any time of the day and you can reach out to someone.
Eat some toast or something easy like crackers would be my advice. Be sure to stay hydrated though. Maybe try some soup? Im not good with advice lol but just know im happy to help any way i can.
Toast or crackers is a good suggestion. Carbs can help us sleep.
Maybe start with soup and some biscuits. Chicken soup is good for regaining strength and get potential ignition levels down.
Going through the same issues with insomnia as well as losing my cool and pushing people away. I heard over time this will get better. Keep fighting!
Oh my this was me 10 months ago…i so understand where u are right now, your not a bad person but the drink is making you that way…you cant ever control the booze it controls you, accept that you cant ever control it, then push that guilt aside and make yourself and you getting better by staying sober your only priorities for now…drink fluids, eat small to start with even if u dont feel like it …little and often, get some vitamins down u, once u feel strong enough start sorting this out, stop letting guilt keep u from getting better …its part of the disease but u can choose to push past it, you can do this girl 
I do feel my patience thinning too at times SOBER. Mix insomnia, guilt, and no crutch… definitely some crankiness. We’ll get through this though friends offered to come by last night and just hang but I’m not even close to wanting to be social. Just trying to navigate 3 broken hours of sleep every night…