I guess if you are met with love and warmth it is a different and better program.
But that does make me think that many people in the program turn it into a social club. Maybe that works, but is it consistent with the principles of the program?
I did not get clean till I left the program. I gave it a shot again because I thought it would be a better avenue for service, which is part of my recovery.
But I do not think it is right for me.
I think I was distant out of self-protection. I really could not take the tough love. It was too harsh for me, and did make it hard for me to feel “one of them.”
I just know I would never be able to talk to anyone–especially a near stranger–like that. Nor do I want to.
It works for a lot of people. But it is just not for me.
Like we all once were. Or still are to some extent.
But it’s still óur choice : self-protect, or learning to be the real me ? Keep distance, or allow myself to be vulnerable ?
My recovery, my life, my choices…
Then don’t. That as well, is óur choice. Personally I’m not into the “tough love” approach. I prefer speaking from the heart.
Something I only learned, by overcoming my urges to self-protect, stop keeping my distance and allow myself and the others to see my true me.
Self-confidence and vulnerability are two sides of the same coin. Never show who you really are, and you’ll never learn that that person is just fine.
It’s all our own choice. Not saying AA is for everyone, but the tendency to think in “I and them” as seperates definately is part of all of us as long as we don’t put it aside.
I have truly tried. Thousands of meetings, dozens of groups, over many many years. Yes, I can speak as I choose to—but I cannot force others to become warm and fuzzy.
The program is what it is. It is not about to change because it is too harsh for me.
All the meetings I have been to in the last two years have been zoom.
Over the last 20 years I have been to many different fellowships.
I think the issues really are just part of the 12-step approach.
We all need to stop engaging. I’m very aware I’m particularly guilty as well. This user is only looking for someone to co-sign their bullshit. If one person has a problem with everyone else I can assure you the problem isn’t everyone else.
Did you speak up and voice your concerns at the meeting?
This is an older post and I am out of AA.
I have a network or people who support my recovery. My life is about service. I try to be honest in all things.
For me that is what recovery is about. You might think it is BS but it works for me
As I said before, I told him I was appalled and left the zoom room.
Bingo. You tried changing everything but yourself 
Consider a group a mirror. It reflects what you radiate.
As I said elsewhere, this is an older post and I have stopped going to meetings.
I have found a few people online who I think are following the program. For me it is about finding meaning through connection with something larger than yourself, service to others, rigorous honesty, and ongoing self-examination.
That is the program described in the literature. My experience has been that most of us fall short. Which is human and expected. But I think the harmful thing is when our shortcomings are repackaged as virtue.
I think the decentralized nature of the organization is its strength and its weakness rolled into one. Anyone can claim to speak for AA. And to anyone listening they are AA.
This gives it a flexibility to respond to individual addicts but it also allows people to twist the principles into something that make them feel superior.
I guess many addicts, including me, reckognise themselves in it Derek. None of us were well known for our openmindedness and willingness when we started this journey
You believe you are right, stating this user is searching for someone to agree with. That won’t be me (though I’m not always an AA fan either).
But that doesn’t mean I should ignore it.
I was like that, and finally changed my ways.
So can someone else, if we just patiently grant them the time they need…
Oh, no! I have changed a lot. I think it is just not for me.
As a friend said, “the moment you left you were clean and sober.” And it is true.
12-step is just not my style. I hate getting tough love, I hate giving it, I hate seeing others get it. If it works for others, that is great. But it is not for me.
I always look at it like this , all bets are in.
(I am a recovering addict)
If I take away - recovery
Then I’m an = addict
They have quite a few years sober from what I can tell, yet keep going back to AA and then coming here solely to bitch about it. Like what’s the point? They’ve done fine without it, stop going and the problem resolved itself 
I completely agree.
If you are not moving forward in recovery, you are moving backward.
There is no final point where anyone is “recovered.”
Exactly. That is exactly why I stopped going.
I wanted to be of service—I am doing that.
I wanted to meet other recovering addicts–the program did not help.
So I am fine with my network of people who support my recovery as well as the continuing work on myself.
I think you are right about open-mindedness. I really did think AA was it. That was impressed on me early in recovery. I felt bad about it not helping me and was too close-minded to accept that it just was not for me.
I think you are right about wanting someone to agree. I still do have a fantasy about being friends with an addict in recovery. But again, if I was not friends with them in active addiction, I have to accept that I might not be in recovery.
I am trying to let go of a lot of these ideas. I really thought, I would come back and it would be different. But it was not.
However, I am different (I hope) and can finally give up on the things that do not help me–and focus on the things that do.
I’m pretty sure this topic isn’t one of them…
Is that all you’ve seen from those 1000s of meetings of dozens of groups ? Highly unlikely isn’t it, that only one person experiences that, as opposed by the many who have different experiences…
So tell me which one is true :
A. This is all just made up mumble jumble;
B. You are too pre-occupied with yourself to seeanything but this so-called tough love.
Funny. I had a fantasy of being friends with someone who accepted me the way I am. Whom I would accept regardless their flaws and mistakes. Someone I dared being myself around, who would dare to be their true selves around me.
I found a few of those who happened to be recovering addicts. But that aspect of their persons, is not what defined them as friends.
Again, those are choices. Not facts.
Personally, I think you perceived and received a lot of tough words simply because your own attitude invites for it.
I’ve gotten honest feedback, loving words and yes, a few comments I founf offensive. In return, I gave them my true self. My tears, when I felt hurt. My gratefulness when they helped me understand something. My sincerest apologies when I feared I might have hurt them (usually only ghosts in my own mind, but nevertheless).
I offered friendship and encouragement, and received it in return.
I offered a painful view into my life, my mind, my struggles, fears, insecurities and deepest despair and in return learned to accept and respond to a well meant caring and friendly hug (the first one in over 30 years…)
In short : we get out of it, what we put into it.
I assume it’s a typo and you meant to say " I would come back and I would be different. But I was not." ?
I did come back and was different. I am no longer trying to win the approval of people who do not know me. So I was able to walk away.
There have been plenty of people here and elsewhere who have shared that they have had similar experiences to mine. Even my last sponsor saw the behavior I am referring to.
I understand the pushback because the program says not to share the negative unless you can provide a way to fix it. But I disagree. I think that it is important to share ALL our experience. I felt so isolated in the program because no one ever admitted to anything negative. The responses I get online when I share makes me think it does help others to hear that recovery can be hard.
That is why I think it is extraordinary that you were able to share the painful parts of your life. That is what I am advocating for!!! I was always told that these were not appropriate for sharing with people in the program. But in your case, you say that it was helpful!
I suspect that if I had your experience, AA would have helped me. But I just never saw anything like that.