I need to get this of my chest since it seems my addiction had found another way to trow me off guard and I notice talking to my family only pushes me in the direction of “don’t worry about it”
Since I am sober I sometimes look at my kid and the feeling of him not being mine is overwhelming. My mom says he is just like me character wise. In this matter apprances are so deceiving since he looks like me in no way. And I don’t feel that similarity my mom sees and feels.
Also his mother is not a trustworthy person which adds to this demonic thoughts.
The feeling puts me in guild. It makes me feel scared and I don’t really know how to put this to bed.
Taking a test could be a solution… But what if. Can I pull true without using. And how will I go about being a father (or not)
It is a mindfuck which I cannot seem to shake.
Is this my higher power telling me go sort shit out or is it my addiction yanking my chain to put me at risk.
If you did do it ,have you thought about how you would feel,worse case scenario,have you spoken to your partner about this??? There’s alot of questions you need to ask ysself…will it put your soberity at risk if so I’d leave it alone,maybe put it on the back burner until you feel stronger,this for you could be a life changing moment,if it came back he wasn’t would you love him even less,my guess is you would love him more if that’s possible,as it wouldn’t be the child’s fault ,he had no choice in this,maybe the underlying issue is more with your partner,dig deep and look into your soul,I hope it all works itself out,if you ever need a ear I’m only a email away.xox
Yeah it’s a tough one ,your Gona really dig deep and ask yourself is this the right time to open this can of worms.i do feel for you,this is a tough one ,maybe speak to someone you trust and respect bthere opinion,so you have a sounding board,I wish you all the best with this,but please don’t let it set you back keep on the right foot and don’t allow it to drag you down.x
I think this is a really negative path to go down. You’re talking about the little boy in several of your sober selfies who you call your “all”?
Don’t let your anger towards the child’s mother poison and sabotage your relationship with a child.
Love is love is love, right? If you love this little boy, then keep loving him and stop looking for reasons not to.
If you are having difficulty dealing with your anger towards your former partner, try therapy/ counseling. The anger is a killer.
A child needs a father. Biology doesn’t make a father, love does. If you’re wrong, you do damage. If you’re right, you do damage. Leave it alone and try to focus on what you can do to move past your anger towards your ex.
Mario, Damn… Not sure what I would do. My mind starts going different directions all at once. Not the child’s fault, don’t live a lie, guilt for even thinking about, anger that you even have to consider. Do not let this “justify” not being sober. If anything you need to be sober to drive deal with this. You will be in my thoughts.
Can I ask what you would do if you found out he wasn’t yours, biologically? Would you up and walk away and never think of it again. You are coparenting so you must have some bond with the boy. Focus on that. If he lives you and you live him does anything else really matter?
Hugs. I’m sorry you’re feeling this doubt. I’m sure it is very painful.
I have conflicting feelings on this subject. For the most part I totally agree with @Alliecat why upset the relationship with your son. But on the other hand once you feel strong enough to deal with what ever the result maybe I would get a test. Every child should know who their dad is. I do totally believe that any man can be a dad but not every man can be a father. You clearly love your son and this doesn’t have to change the love but for your peace of mind I would get a test done…Only when you’re strong enough though!! Just my opinion… I hope this helps x
My oldest isn’t mine, there’s no question about it. She was 8 months old when her mom and I got together.
The little girl is mine, in my heart, soul and mind. I’d freight train anything that hurt her. I’d put myself in harm’s way to save her. I’d feed her and go hungry. I’d clothe her and be cold.
Being a dad isn’t about sowing your oats, it’s about the mindset of wanting to care for, protect, teach and love your child.
If you love the kid like he is your own, love him. Don’t let your ego/disdain for his mother interfere with your ability to be his father.
It is “funny” to see that combined you all describe my head.
Via reading all your input I come to conclusion it is my addict mind screwing me up.
And yes that is given by ego and trust issues towards the mom.
It is not a matter of not wanting him or not loving him or what so ever. @Glyko thank you your respons gave me a feeling of not being an asshole that much
I’ll get true this. Thank you all again this is why we are on here right
Mario, I hear you. I am not in that situation myself but as someone who is working towards an adoption I expect to have children who are not biologically related to me. This was a blow when my wife and I got the news about our infertility (which I learned actually affects 5%+ of heterosexual couples), and both of us were heartbroken about not having biological children. But after time grieving together, and some help from counsellors and adoptive parents who helped us gain perspective, we are looking forward to the adoption.
There is a lot of good advice on this thread. I especially agree with @CaptAZ’s point about how being a father is a choice: I choose to love my children, to care for them and build a home for them and provide for them. I choose to set them up for success. Then I help them make their own good choices.
Being a father isn’t about fathering a baby. It’s about building a healthy home of love and goals and growth. I would say the fact you’re choosing to live your sobriety and reflect on your life, and make healthy, constructive choices - and being devoted to your son - means you are his father. It’s as simple as that.
I agree with a lot that’s being said. Let it go. Let your ex be who she is and sort out her own issues. Finding out will not help her or yourself become better people. The boy is yours, blood or not. Be a dad and keep him close to your heart.
my opinion is that, if you accept him as your son and love him, what difference does it make? Loving and raising a kid is more important than being your biological son or not. Just like adoption. But if this doubt is killing you, you could do a DNA test
Its a very delicate situation because knowing that information could change what you feel for him, even if it shouldnt. Either way you shouldnt let this affect your sobriety.
I agree. Blood doesnt make that child yours. I know it would be hard to find out that he wasn’t yours. But, it’s not the childs fault. I would just get the DNA test and take it from there. Don’t let the knowing of this situation ruin your sobriety.
Little know historical fact: Adoption was very common in Ancient Rome. The thing is, an adopted son had greater legal standing than a biological one, because while a biological son could be disowned and disinherited, this was forbidden in the case of adopted sons.
The reasoning is simple: while fate chooses our biological children, adoption is a choice and a legal process.
Adopt this child in your mind and heart, and never again consider biology. If someday he gets a test and you learn that he’s not blood, tell him you adopted him in Roman fashion, and he is your son, forever.
My wife had a child from a previous relationship when we got together. I can tell you that my daughter is 100% my daughter and a DNA test won’t change that. I look forward to the day when I adopt her.
