I am just now waking up to day 6, and I can’t believe how I feel compared to the previous 5 days.
Last Wednesday at this time, I was sitting in the same spot with empty beer cases and vodka bottles all around my house. I was staring at the clock waiting for it to be time for the stores to sell booze again. I drank all day and night again.
Thursday, same thing. Got my beer at 6am, started drinking (never really stopped). Around 11:30am my body wouldn’t let me any more. Every drink I took came right back out, and with force. No matter how small of a sip, or big of a chug, my body pushed back 10x harder. My “plan” was to stop Friday, but my body was letting me know it couldn’t make it one more day. This was two weeks straight of doing this.
Of course the rest of Thursday was that typical coming un-drunk shitty day, with throwing up all night. Friday was the first real hangover day. Swollen, sore, red eyes, greasy skin, and shuffling around the house, but mostly laying on the couch. I took a drink of water and started puking just as bad as if it were booze. It wouldn’t stop! about mid morning I tried another sip of water, but this time scared the shit out of me. I was on empty, so my body had nothing left but to push out but bile and blood. a lot of blood. I should’ve went to the hospital but I didn’t, I gave my body one more chance not to do that again. Luckily it didn’t, and it was all the same water and clear bile like before. That continued until about Saturday afternoon.
I didn’t sleep Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday night. I literally laid down and tossed and turned until the sun came up. I have never felt anything worse in my life than that third night of just wanting sleep so fucking bad, knowing I had to work. One hour would have been better than an orgasm. But, nope!
Yesterday morning about 5am I just shuffled in to my kitchen, shirtless with fucked up hair, just laughing as I went to get something to eat (first day I could eat too). Just a shitty, fuzzy/hazy brain. My body felt exactly the same as being drunk. Got through with my conference call, and knew I wasn’t going to do shit that first half of the day. I showered and got ready, just to move around in different positions on the couch.
around 11:30 something just clicked. all of a sudden I just felt like normal me again. Me when I’m completely sober and rested. The fogginess was gone, and my brain felt normal. It was the weirdest fucking feeling. I was just like “what the fuck are you doing dude?”. I still felt like an exhausted turd, but my brain was back. I went and got something to eat and told myself, “I’m gonna finish this sandwich, and fucking grind out the next 4 hours so I don’t lose my fucking job”. And I did exactly that! two hours in to it all the foggy and shitty came back, because I was on 4 days of no sleep, but had this weird little bit of hope pushing me. I had a feeling I would be able to sleep tonight, and just needed to get done with what needed to be done. I set a plan to finish work, go to the store and buy water, go get some ice cream (just sounded good all day), and watch tv until 10pm.
I barely finished work around 5:30, and just hobbled in to my bedroom and laid down. for the first time my bed, my pillows, and the blankets all felt so fucking good. Like they loved me, and wanted to just comfort me like little fuckin lovey clouds. And it was that perfect time of afternoon for one of those amazing little hour naps like I used to take after school when I was a kid. Right when afternoon meets evening. so I set my alarm for 6:00, in case I did fall asleep, because that wasn’t my intention. Of course I fell asleep, and hit snooze like 3 times. But when I got up I had a feeling tonight was finally it. I got up and went to the store and then went and got an Oreo mixer from Culvers, watched tv, and was ready. I was a little scared though, because I didn’t have the same feeling I did in the afternoon. So I got in bed and turned on that tv and said “one more episode”, hoping one more episode of my show in bed, would put me to sleep, or I’ll turn it off and toss and turn all night again and see if I even survive another day. I made it maybe 5 minutes and I was out.
Slept maybe 5 or 6 hours, and woke up feeling like nothing happened. So here I am writing this, and gonna plan my day, and be happy as fuck I’m still alive. And know that I never make it long sober. I’m trying all the time, but this is the scariest, and worst one yet. I have absolutely no desire today, but I don’t know about tomorrow. But fuck am I thankful.
I’m really sorry about how long this is. doubt anyone will read it after seeing how big it is haha. I was gonna post something short, but then I couldn’t stop.
Stay sober everyone, and have a good day.