What will your next steps look like for making this adjustment?
Good question, James.
First of all, I need to demonstrate self love. Demonstrate! It’s not enough to just say it.
So expect my to-do list to be back in action.
Yeah, it’s a lot of work. But it’s a lot easier than fighting a losing tooth and nail battle with my addiction. I had good success with this before.
Also, I want to write a letter to my addict.
I want that part of me to know that I don’t want to fight it. I want to take this journey with the whole “me”. I don’t want want to play “tug a war” with myself going in different directions. And I want to listen to my addict to see what resentments are being held and address them.
I want to work a positive program. One that embraces and appreciates all the good things I have in my life. I won’t do a negative program.
And also, I want to update my outer circle and disaster recovery plan. They’re both very old. And I want to review them regularly to remind myself of the direction that I want to take.
I hope this all makes sense.
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That was helpful, thanks! I like learning about how other people approach things. I get that addiction is addiction and the principles are the same, but I find it educational to see how different people apply it to their own life and journey with their own addictions. And if it helps you envision your goal, then bonus 
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All right to do list time.
To-Do list 6/18/19
Prayer 1
Bible 1
Worship
Floss teeth 1
Clean 1
Workout
Family
Forum 1
Outreach
Job Search
App
Wife 1
Total points 6
Love Challenge
Tell wife I love her 1
Give compliment 1
Avoid negative 1
Unexpected kind 1
Call from work 1
Special greet 1
Pray w/ her
Total points 6
6 is a respectable score, not completely awesome, but good.
I’m going to try this again on a daily basis. Used to post the list weekly. But I want more consistency. The to-do list has been a good tool in my recovery. Often times, I’ve been guilty of measuring my recovery based solely on my sobriety. And that’s not a very good measurement for me. The to-do list helps me to gauge how well I’m incorporating the outer circle in my life.
I know that I’ve been leaning way too much on my middle circle. I’m lucky that I have not relapsed. But this can all change today. I can learn from my experiences, my setbacks, and take a few steps toward a better direction. And I don’t even have to sacrifice my sobriety. It’s time that I stopped focusing on trying to just stop acting out, and start learning to take proactive measures to make each day count.
Thanks everyone for your support.
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Here’s a post that I wrote on another forum:
I am by no means delivered. But God’s grace is sufficiently carrying me through.
But just being sober is not good enough for God. He doesn’t care about how perfect of a tree I am. He cares more about how much fruit I am bearing.
So I feel that it’s important that I focus on things like managing my life being that it’s been so unmanageable. Turning my will and life over to God. Seeking more prayer and connection with the Lord. Following His will. Developing, appreciating, and exercising the many gifts He has given me as opposed to being sorry for what I don’t have. For me, that’s where the real battle is.
So if I lose my sobriety, at least I will have done something with my life that adds more meaning to my life. And that’s better than being just sober by white knuckling and making it through by the skin of my teeth with nothing else to show for it.
No, I’m not cured or delivered. I may never be and I have the potential to act out at any moment.
I am simply walking by God’s grace. And today I have graciously received 25 days of good sobriety.
Thank you, Lord.
I wrote that post on January 28th 2015. And what amazes me about that post is that I felt more serenity and peace during that time then I do now. I was sober for pretty much the rest of the year. That was a good year. I’m hoping that this one will be better. What’s it going to take? A refocusing on my relationship with God and myself.
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Today I’m making better choices. After a fun work event, I have a few hours to kill before my balloon twisting gig. Stop at a book store? No way!
So I drive to my gig early, stop at a gas station, but on the way, I spot a couple more acting out places. Leave it to my addict to spot every source available.
No, not going to cross my middle circle today. Don’t want to share here that I came close to a slip. So here I am, viewing the lastest posts.
Have not mastered maintaining custody of my eyes today. But from the previous post above, I’m seeing the importance of doing the next right thing and getting my mind back on track.
Now it’s time to work on my to-do list and write that letter to my addict.
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Dear addict,
I know that we have been at odds with one another. I know that this transition has been hard for you. I’ve been fighting you a lot. I want you to know that I love you. You are still a part of me, and a very valuable part of me that I am grateful for. I still acknowledge that you have done so much to look out for me. And I understand that. Please also understand that we’re going in a direction that’s going to benefit both of us. I know you understand. And I know you see some of the good things that are coming about over these past few months. I want to encourage you to walk with me. I don’t want to fight you. If I fight you, I’m going to lose. I promise to listen to you. I promise to address the resentments that you bring forth. I will do my best. Again, I’m not going to fight you. I’m not going to leave you behind.
Thank you. I love you. Let’s do this together.
With self-love,
Kevin
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To-Do list
Prayer 1
Bible 1
Worship
Floss Teeth
Clean 1
Workout
Family
Forum 1
Outreach
Job Search
App
Wife 1
Total 5
Love Challenge
Tell wife I love her 1
Give compliment 1
Avoid negative 1
Unexpected kind 1
Call from work 1
Special greet 1
Pray w/ her
Total 6
Not the greatest day, but better than nothing. So many new posts today. Can’t keep up with them. But I feel like I’m going in a much better direction. Cravings much lower today. In responding to all of the posts, I almost forget that we struggle with different addictions. I feel like we all really have so much in common. Thanks everyone.
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To-Do list 6/30/2019
Prayer 1
Bible 1
Worship
Floss Teeth 1
Clean 1
Workout
Family 1
Forum
Outreach 1
Job Search
App
Wife
Love Challenge
Tell wife I love her 1
Give compliment 1
Avoid negative 1
Unexpected kind 1
Call from work
Special greet
Pray w/ her
Incredibly busy day yesterday. After mowing some of my lawn and fixing my car, we headed it off towards Wisconsin on a 4 hour trip to visit a friend. They were having a graduation party. Returned home at 1: 30am. 6 points on a to-do list is a good score. Yeah, I’ve been slacking off on it. I’m realizing that I need to make it the priority. Lately, I’ve been making TS the priority. So it’s time for me to start practicing what I’m preaching; to put what I’ve learned into daily practice, and demonstrate my recovery as opposed to just talking about it. This is what’s worked for me. Not necessarily for everyone else. but over the years through the process of trial and error it’s been very important that I demonstrate, demonstrate love towards others including myself.
Yay! This is back. I think this was very helpful to you to, from what I saw in the earlier days of being on here. I just jumped to the bottom, so I’ve missed a good bit, but I’m glad you’re focusing more on working the program that works best for you than making TS your priority. Sometimes it’s necessary to change things up a bit to put your health first. That’s what I’m trying to do.
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It has been awhile since I’ve posted on my accountability thread.
It’s not possible to do same to-do list that I did before. Working 2 jobs takes a lot. But I have been on TS a lot; everyday. I check in on the daily check in thread and I make sure that I read every new thread. Plus, I track about 80% of the threads I view so that I don’t lose touch.
It helps me to share in everyone’s journey and to show encouragement.
Yeah, my journey is always changing. Learning that I really don’t know that much and that everyone here has there own path. don’t know how I’m sober because I was having a tough time with cravings these past few months. But I’m sober and I will take it. Life is getting easier now. It’s easier to keep the heart clean, then it is to clean it after it’s been defiled.
Really nice to see you back @Victorious.
let’s never give up, never!
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Absolutely right! It’s better to keep the heart clean! Makes things a lot easier. Amen to never giving up!!! With God’s help we can be conquerors!!!
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Hope you’re still out there @Victorious.
I made a mini sober plan for myself. I was inspired by @SoberWalker
No porn in my house
No access to porn via cellphone, TV, or computer
Telling my spouse about my sober plan
Avoid triggering places such as bars, parties, bookstores, seedy areas of town
Have a day counter
Be gentle to myself, like go to bed early, talking to myself in a kind manner, etc.
Doing engergizing activaties like working out, playing guitar, etc.
When I have cravings: I don’t pick up that first one but I walk, run, work out, eat chocolate, clean, study, whatever.
Ask for help when I need it. Don’t crave alone!
Be on TS every day to read and check in sober.
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I also made a Rewards/Consequences card.
Inspired by @Wunderbar
Rewards
life
marriage
family & children
friendships
relationship with God
friends on TS
clear conscience
better focus
self love & self esteem
keep sobriety date
integrity
increase productivity
keep job
Consequences
die
jail/arrest
lose sobriety date
separation from God
divorce
lose family
lose job
disconnect from TS
lose friendships
harder to quit again
loss of salvation
lose self esteem
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As you may notice, I haven’t done a whole lot with my to-do list.
And to be honest, I’m not that concerned. My recovery plan has been focused on doing a lot of reading on TS everyday. That’s it! Pretty simple, yet effective for some reason. I don’t know. But if its working for me, I’m not going to fix it.
I really like this. I might try it.
Had a rough night the other night. Kinda like flirting with trouble and I feel guilty. I’m trying not to beat up on myself because I know that can lead to “using”. But I also read what you said about talking to myself in a kind manner. I need to try that too.
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I’ve been having major struggles since day 159.
Started when I intercepted my locks and stopped them when they expired at 11:59PM and auto-reset at midnight.
I did it to get online to print out invoices for gigs that my wife and I were doing the next day.
Well, I didn’t play that very well. I left my phone unlocked for a day.
Boundary violation…
I could have handled that better. Then, I started to entertain fantasies, A LOT! I was not in a good state of mind. Last Wednesday, I was actually doing searches on my safe browser looking for content that would get me high.
Didn’t find any. My safe browser was working pretty good. But nothing kept me from enabling Chrome or downloading any other web browser on my phone.
Sorry that I haven’t checked in lately.
Sorry that I craved alone. (@Wunderbar)
Then I enabled Youtube on my phone. Started doing some inappropriate searches. Got stopped a lot due to restrictions. Finally showed some results that would get me my fix. And then something dawned on me…
If I succeed in viewing the video on this search, it would be crossing my inner circle.
I would be losing my sobriety. And once I start, I would not stop. Restarting would be so difficult. It’s as for me, each relapse makes me go further and further into a more chaotic state. I can’t afford another one.
This can all stop now, I thought. It’s easier to keep the heart clean then to clean it after it’s been defiled.
I recently read a newcomer post,
I did not come this far only to come this far.
If anyone can identify who posted this recently, I would like to know who they are. I want to thank him/her.
I put my locks back on my phone and was still struggling with cravings a lot, kind of like where I was in the first couple months. I know I’m weak. I don’t deserve to be sober. I crossed a lot of boundaries these past few days with my phone.
But I honestly admit that I did not view porn or masturbate this week. And I’m grateful that God somehow offered me the grace to change directions this week. It could have ended badly. I am humbled.
So I’m better today. I have more clarity. My locks are still on my phone and are again set to automatically renew each day. (Has worked very well for me. )
Still hanging on at day 164. It’s not been a perfect streak but I’m gonna take it.
Thank you, everyone.
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What a read Kevin. Lapses in protocol would have sunk the sobriety of those not as focused as you. It would have been so easy, especially after doing several things purposely to just say the heck with it, but you didn’t. Passing this personal test is to me harder than saying no to pills because your addiction is literally a finger stroke away. I commend you on your ability to say know. Now next time, get your butt into the forum and talk about it. NEVER CRAVE ALONE BROTHER
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This sounds like the action of a strong person to me, not a weak one. Being on a tipping point of indulging even the pursuit of porn, but finding the energy within you to interrupt what feels like the status quo is to me a demonstration of the strength of your resolve. To be honest with you, it has pained me to see you write often that you are a weak person. While I understand where you’re coming from personally, I believe that persistence is a strength of its own, and it’s evident here in what you shared.
I think you can stick to this streak for as long as you recall the power you felt over determining today’s outcome, because you just proved it to yourself. Yes, there are unforeseen circumstances and obstacles, but this last wave of temptations was unforeseen, and you came out the other end with your day counter intact, and your conscious clear.
I’m sorry if I sound at all preachy, I just want to make sure you see the strength in your own character, assistance from G-d or not, in maintaining focus on your goal. Bravo. 
Now for the next day. I agree with @Wunderbar, We’re all here battling the same problems in different forms. I’m here chasing your numbers still at 141.
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Thanks Chad. And to be honest, I’m still craving. The cravings are coming and going. Serves me right for letting myself get too close to the fire. But I’m glad to still be sober. I do choose a sober life, a better life.
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