Kevin's accountability log

Life in Recovery
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@Olivia ,

Thank you for the thoughtful response.

I’m having a much better day. Level 4, but that addict in me is still kicking. Had a least 1 instance of lust. Checked out a woman, and stopped myself. Prayer is helping a lot. When my attention is on the Lord, it’s less likely for me to lust. No fantasy today, but lust is tempting.

I won’t beat myself up too much over this. Because it’s an opportunity for me to grow. I know that I was approaching a huge danger zone. It’s been over a month since my toxicity level has been over 4. To have it over 6 a few times this week felt very crazy. To think that this was my norm a few years ago? Ugh! That’s all I can say.

@SelfLove_42 . Thank you.

I used Lock Me Out a few years ago and found it to be a very good tool. Not sure if I want to bring it back again. It won’t stop me from lusting IRL as I did yesterday. But it’s a very good tool to help direct someone’s phone use in a different direction. That makes sense.

I checked my YouTube settings, and Restrictive mode was not turned on. Hmmm. That’s odd. I normally always keep that on. It’s probably been off restrictive mode for awhile and I haven’t realized it. It wouldn’t have prevented what I did last Monday, but I realized something was not right with my settings.

And I thought that Covenant Eyes would force restrictive mode on YouTube. I checked my CE settings and noticed I was set for standard blocking and that was the problem. For restrictive mode to be locked, I need to be set up for strong blocking. So I made those changes.

I think God wants me to understand the importance of walking continually in the spirit. Which means I acknowledge God continually throughout my day. It could be singing to him, talking to Him, showing gratitude, reciting and meditating on a passage of scripture. Today has been a good day so far in that area.

Thinking back from my behavior this week, I’m reminded of alcoholics when asked the question,

Do you really want to stop drinking?

And the honest response I sometimes read and hear is, “I want to enjoy 1 or 2 every once in a while.”

And I’m surprised by that response. Because we know that 1 or 2 always turns into 4, then 10, then 100, then 1000 which isn’t even enough. And given the nature of what alcohol does to you, why would anyone want any more than ZERO?

But I think the same way with lust. When asked the question,

Do I really want to stop lusting?

I find myself entertaining the idea that I can toy with lust and get away with 1 or 2 looks and still be okay. Why would I want to do that to myself? Reiterating today how important it is that I have a zero-tolerance rule on lust and fantasy. Because that’s been my secret that’s been working for 300+ days. I don’t give myself permission to allow my eyes and mind to go wherever without restraint. By choosing to say “No” to that first look or first thought, I don’t crave. And if I don’t crave, I won’t cave. Game over. I win. Not to mention that lust is not acceptable to God, nor my wife. And it’s not acceptable to me either. My goal is to get rid of all lust and fantasy in my life. Not to settle for just 1 or 2 every once in awhile.

As for God, He just wants me to stop trying to live my life each day as if He didn’t exist.

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Kevin,

You’re doing pretty great. Yes, you’re not perfect but you’ve come a long way and you’re as honest as they come.

Don’t let a small series of setbacks define everything that led up to this point.

Take care!

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I love that last sentence. You can’t have a fear of god most of the time, that healthy fear of displeasing him and knowing that everything is open/naked and exposed. It’s a day to day war, you know i know! But i love that if i dont crave, i wont cave and i win gameover. I’ve been lately seeing beautiful people, i immediately say outloud, “human being”. It’s like my brain (little monster) desperately wants me only to see shapes and body parts, i immediately disarm him with the Human Being, it’s like a quick reset technique. You’ve gotten where i’m going: 300 days.

I was just thinking, we have so many tools to fight this battle. Slips in judgement are not falls, look at how far you’ve come!!! Push forward to 365, for you, it’s right around the corner!

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Thank you, Mitch.

This has been a good year for me. It’s been awhile since I allowed my brain to go to level 7. And I really felt that illicit sexual buzz. Today is a new day. I’m looking forward to enjoying it lust-free. You reminded me of a good point. I may not win every battle with lust and fantasy, but I’ve been winning significantly more battles than I’m losing. And that means I’ll win this war. Thank you.

And it’s nice seeing you back in that saddle. This is a wonderful good journey. Sobriety is wonderful.

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I’m at day 308 now. It’s crazy all the tools we’ve acquired isn’t it? There’s no way. No way it would have been possible without God revealing them to me. Paradigm, Healing from shame, EasyWay, Accepting powerlessness of the subconscious, saying “No” to the first one.

Today, I’m reminding myself how important that I stop doing this without God’s presence. If my mind is on Him, it’s less on myself and my own will. Doing it my way tends to land me in trouble. I can be a baaaaad little goat.

I’m very grateful that I get to see this learning experience without having to relapse into porn. How many times did it take relapse for me to actually wake up? How many years I spent ignoring this part of my mind, and then wondering why I couldn’t stay away from porn longer than 6 months? I’m a slow learner. But some people never get that one. that makes sad.

You’re almost at double digits now. So you’ll get there. Enjoy the ride.

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Mentally aimless. Yes, that’s what it was. Because it wasn’t boredom. And me using stress as a trigger is in violation of Easy Way.
For I know and understand and porn doesn’t cure stress, but creates it.

By not paying attention to God throughout my day, my mind wanders. It’s what happens. Despite all that I know, I understand that I cannot do this myself. Myself leads me into trouble every time. So the learning experience for me is to make God a serious priority in my life. I mean, if He’s my God, then I should serve Him.

Tools. There were some tools that come to my mind now that we’re extremely helpful. My toxicity meter and Covenant Eyes. I can see how God used those tools to reveal what I was doing and lead me back to repentance. And do something that I’ve failed to do in the past. And that is to spot a relapse before I pick up my DOC. I’ll admit that in the midst, I felt a bit unstable in my recovery. But some of these tools that God showed to me really did their job. In my Blazing Grace leader’s meeting last Thursday, one of the members said something very wise. She said that all this shows that I’m growing. She’s right. For many years, I would have been very unaware that I was heading straight towards a relapse. Relapse definitely starts well before I pick up. That cannot be more true when it comes to sex and porn addiction. I cannot claim perfection, but I certainly can claim progress.

In a short while, my timer will read 309 days porn and MB free. I’m going to take it. And I do believe that God provided intervention in some way to keep me from getting burned this time because otherwise, I could have indeed relapsed. So here’s to acknowledging that God, at times, is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.

And today, I’m having a level 4 day. And that’s real good. I’ll take level 4’s any day. I’m learning to pay more attention to God and His will. It’s better this way. Thanks everyone

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@KevinesKay you are still a good example for me. Thank you for all the hard work and the reflection you do here and your constancy

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It’s day 323 for me. I am healing.

But I’ve been in a somber mood this week. I couldn’t explain it well at the Thursday BG meeting. But I think I figured out why.

I’ve been reading Paid For by Rachel Moran. It’s an autobiography on her experience as a prostitute for several years. How she got into it, all the fallacies and lies that are propagated, how she got out, what it’s done to her.

Her book is very honest and thorough. I’m only halfway through and I’m experiencing guilt. I admit that I’ve entertained an overly glamorous idea of prostitution. I know that they didn’t like their job, but I still didn’t understand the level in which prostitutes are unhappy. I entertained the idea that when seeing them that there was some agreeable exchange. While they provided me sex, I gave them money. I assumed it was a mutually satisfying agreement. In reality, I was taking advantage of their desperate state so that I can use them as a sex recepticle. They have little choice since they are acting solely on necessity and desperation. I’ve paid them so that I can sexually abuse them however I please. It’s rape damage that’s being done to them.

I am healing. I’m also feeling the guilt. Because her book is so thorough. I started reading it several weeks ago, but put it down because I was escaping the challenge of the lie that I was still believing. The lie that buying sex had it’s advantages. That there is still some good in it. And that many times during my recovery, I entertained the idea that it was still a possibility somewhere down the road in my life. To be able to taste many different women as if they were items to choose in a candy store. Yet while ignoring the fact that I was stripping them of their own humanity. Facing the truth that it’s not an option for me pay for sex. It’s not an option for me to consider any sex outside of a relationship that involves love and trust and commitment. That is reality. And if I cannot accept sex along with relationship, marriage, family, children, responsibility as a whole package deal, then I have no business getting involved with any of it. I’d be better off and more content just being alone.

In my Friday meeting, I hear many men share about their love for their kids. They’ll do anything for them. And although I know that I love my family, my wife and my kids. It’s a different kind of love. It’s one based on a decision. I choose to love them. I choose to lay down my life for them. That’s the only kind of love I’m able to give. Love is a very confusing emotion for me. I don’t have any intense emotional feelings for any of my kids. Whatever it is that others are feeling for their kids, I’m not getting it. Sorry, I can’t help how I feel. And Rachel Moran talks about this in her book. How the users of prostitutes are not only stripping away from the woman’s humanity, but also their own. And I wonder how much of my sex addiction has played a role in my inability to feel emotions towards others. You can take away every relationship in my life, my wife, my family, my friends, my children. If they were all taken away from me, I wouldn’t feel anything. I might even be relieved to finally have my life to my own self again like I did when I walked out on my ex. Taking away the porn and the lust and the fantasy doesn’t bring any of those emotions to life. I don’t think I’ll ever feel them. I don’t think I even want to feel them.

Sobriety is wonderful. I am healing. I am growing. Yet underneath all this healing and growth is a discovery of more brokenness and knowledge that much of this brokenness will linger along with me for the rest of my living days.

My toxicity level is at 4. All week. I’m in a good place. And I know God is working inside me. Sometimes, I don’t feel His presence near. But I know it is. I know that He forgives me of the sins of my past. I know that he would want me to forgive myself. So I do.

I am healing.

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I am more content with my decision. All of my life I have confused “bad” sex such as porn, fantasy, lust, MB, to be all real genuine sex. And I was accepting and embracing these counterfeits as what they are. Counterfeits. I recently re-read some of Dr Glover’s writings in no More Mr Nice Guy. He reminded me that as an NGS guy, I settle for bad sex. And he defines good sex as two people in touch with their own sexual pleasure while being aware of their partners. That rules out a lot of bad sex that I’ve partaked in my life. Sex with a stranger is not good sex. Sex with a hookup is not good sex. Nor is sex with a prostitute good sex. In my world, I’ve never distinguished sex that is good or bad. I’ve always imagined as all as good and worth 10 times more than anything else in the world. I was deluded. I currently experience good sex with my wife. But if something were to happen to her, and I wound up alone. I feel peace with that decision to accept that I would prefer no sex instead of partaking in bad sex.

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I’ve been away for quite some time. Over the past several months I’ve been more involved in blazing Grace and reformers unanimous. With the reasoning that I needed to strengthen my final foundational pillar. A big problem with my broken relationship with God. I feel part of my life healing right now. Seeing how important it is to stop following my plan, and align my life and my thoughts according to God’s will. Step 3 and step 11 come to mind. But yet I really felt that I needed a strong connection with others that emphasized the importance of maintaining my relationship with God who is Jesus Christ. I’ve been counseling a number of new members of BG as they are entering the new program. Before I thought it was just too much of a time commitment. But now I accept that ministry is not a burden, it’s a blessing. And it’s time that I drop my selfish, self indulgent attitude, and start to align my life according to God’s will. And when I do that, there’s something about that which fills my soul in a way that things of this world do not.

In the book of proverbs, it is written that a full soul loaths a honeycomb, but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.

Jesus referred to himself as the living water. And whoever drinks of his water will not thirst again.

Jesus mentions to the disciples that he has food that they know nothing about. And he then explains that his food is to do the will of him who sent him.

I spent most of my life trying to fill my soul with a lot of worldly self-indulging things. My relationship with God was broken and that was a problem. A serious one. A far serious one then my addiction to porn and lust.

That was just one of my problems. Through this journey of transformation, God has been so gracious to walk me through exposing and dealing with various problems in me. For the record, I spent most of my decades focusing on the symptoms. And it’s a good thing to focus on these symptoms because the symptoms often reinforce the root problem.

But unless I expose and deal with the real root problems, my attempts to cut off the symptoms would prove to be futile. In other words, I was destined to fail.

For instance, my porn use was a symptom of my lust. But my lust was a symptom of various deep-rooted problems. Which makes my addiction a symptom… Of a symptom

Various problems come to mind. My lack of connection, my poor boundaries, my faulty paradigm, my toxic shame, the high amount of value that I placed upon my DOC, alongside my broken relationship with God.

I thank God for revealing these all to me. He just wanted me to have an easier time with it. Because trying to fix all the symptoms without addressing the root problems was like me trying to plug up all the holes in the leaking dike on one end. Yet not paying attention to the flooding Waters on the other side.

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Today was a good day. I worked with my wife at a birthday party. Then we ate together at a restaurant.

I was at a good place in my heart. Lust was not overtaking me today.

I remember the days when I couldn’t take custody of my eyes. In those days, I would have looked at, and lusted after many women.

I was out of control. Lust wasn’t just something that I did. I felt like lust was unavoidable. For it was.

Looking back, my relapses were inevitable. Because exposing and dealing with the real underlying root problems within me was going to take time. It was not instantaneous. Nor did going to a 12 step group, having a sponsor, and getting into therapy automatically address all of my root problems. I’m not saying they weren’t helpful, because they were. They did much to reveal and address some of my root problems. But in my case, I just needed more. That’s the best way I can say it.

When I meet a new addict, I have compassion for their struggle. I know that this is more than just stopping the behaviors, which are just symptoms of the inner root problems. And until they reveal and get significant healing in all of their root problems, I would not expect instant sobriety from day one.

But I also wouldn’t expect spouses of porn addicts to understand. In this world, there is no compassion, understanding, or grace given to those that fail to master their sexual urges. I won’t expect their existing marriages to survive the long and grueling process of weaving through the path of healing inner root problems. Sexual infidelity is treason of the highest degree. I guess that’s a part of consequences. When our sin becomes fully grown into such lust- filled behavior, death is right around the corner. Death could mean loss of a marriage, financial ruin, jail time, getting an STD, etc. That’s consequences.

I am blessed to have kept my marriage with Iris intact; but I believe that it was close to destruction. But previous relationships didn’t have a chance. I failed to uncover some root problems of mine until well into my marriage with Iris. But I honestly cannot say it was do to lack of trying.

And there will be times when a PA will enter this process of recovery (or transformation), and the process will take time; much more time than the spouse will want to give. Her life is important to her too, and it would be too difficult to bear the brunt of his relapsing behavior. I want to provide hope, but from my observation and personal experience, I do not have a solution to completely stop relapsing the moment one enters this process of recovery.

There is a belief out there that if one does all the right things from the start,

If he gets into a support group…
If he gets a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist…
If he gets a sponsor…
If he makes good boundaries…
If he does all the right things and is serious about his recovery, then…

He will never relapse again.

It’s bull crap. It is. Maybe true if the addiction didn’t start so early. I’ve seen people do this, but not often. I’ve seen it more with addiction to other substances like alcohol.

But it is possible to recover. Or in my case, transform. For why would I ever want to recover to any former version of myself? It’s just going to take time along with work to uncover and deal with all the major root problems within us. For me, coming out of this process, now feeling quite a master of my sexual urges, the rewards are priceless. Old relationships lost make way for new relationships where we have a better chance with our new transformed selves.

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@Olivia

I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but I’ve just started to read Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge. And wow! I wish I had not waited so long. I’m finding their insight delightful.

Thank you for the recommendation

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Better late than never. Glad you’re enjoying it!

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@KevinesKay have you finished reading “captivating” yet ? . I liked this bit

“I remember asking myself as a child how a woman of god could actually be confidant scandalous and beautiful yet not portray herself as a feminist or an insecure I -need -attention seeking Emotional whore . How can I be a strong woman without becoming harsh . How can I be vulnerable without drowning myself in sorrow” .
I reserve judgment on this book as I’ve not yet read all of it .However I’m interested to know a man’s point of view and how your getting on with it ?:heart:

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No, I’m not finished with it yet.

But I’m a firm believer that there are intrinsic, marvelous, and miraculous differences between men and women. And one of my foundational pillars, the pillar of Paradigm, has led me to leave my old pornographic image of woman and relationships, and search for reality. To ask myself the questions, “What is a woman? What does she desire? What motivates her in life?”

And then to also ask the question, “What is it to be a man? What part do I play in the dance of polarity of masculity/feminity in the relationship with my wife?”

I’ve learned that women desire confidence, strength, and, ambition in men. And also that men show kindness to her emotional spirit. And that women are not drawn to men that are weak and insecure. While physical attractiveness is a factor, emotional attraction is more important to them.

I reject the old feminist idea taught to me that men and women are exactly the same and that men are the way we are because of societal conditioning. I look back on how my relationships suffered because I was not embracing my true masculine self and not embracing the feminine side of women. I was guilty of placing magical qualities on women. And then, blaming them for not meeting up to my expectations. Blamed them for not liking me, because I was a “nice” guy. Acting like an Average Frustrated Chump because I saw all these women having sex with other men, but not me.

My sense of reality was diluted, which pointed to a far greater problem than my addiction to porn.

A faulty paradigm will lead to a faulty life

Suzanne Venker

I commit to reality at all costs knowing that’s where I’ll find ultimate serenity.

Patrick Carnes

For me, I discovered that reality turns out to be far more miraculous than my fantasies. And although my sense of reality is probably still distorted. I must admit that my existing paradigm is for more closer to reality than my original one.

I’ve been reading several books at this moment. I tend to juggle. But you’ve inspired me to finish it. And I will share more thoughts on this.

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Yep that’s pretty accurate

What is a woman? What does she desire? What motivates her in life?”…. When you find that magical bit out let me know :roll_eyes: