Celebrating day 130. My week has been going well. I had a nice Valentine’s Day with my wife. We arranged to spend some time alone in a hotel.
Last week, my toxicity level was at 6. I wasn’t happy about that. I knew that I wasn’t making God the center of myself life, and it was showing by where my heart and flesh were leading me. A good portion of each day that week was characterized by lust and fantasy. When I shared that to my Simple Steps group, my leader mentioned that I was putting too much pressure on myself. That I need to relax more and enjoy God’s presence. I’m not sure if we see eye to eye. I said to him that I disagree. I agree that I should be enjoying God’s presence more. But I’m getting the message from him that it’s too hard for me to be mindful of what I’m choosing to think about or look at. It reminds me of the tactics that have worked for some in my addiction. Instead of blocking out the thoughts, they analyze them, let them in, then let them out.
Well sorry, that’s not working for me. This too shall pass was one of those slogans that I had to put back on the shelf. But I believe I finally know what does work for me. In Reformers Unanimous, there are a few principles that come to mind.
Small compromises lead to great disasters
Looking back, I’ve seen how my lust and fantasy have opened the door to my P use. I never just go straight into using P. It always starts with something smaller. Which leads to another RU principle…
Every sin originates in the heart
Which means before I done it, I thunk it! I see how many alcoholics on TS can push through the cravings until the cravings subside. But for me, I’m guilty of using cravings to compensate for the lack of dopamine I was getting from P. So my lust and fantasy were just another form of P. I was moderating. Instead of consuming the hard liquor, I switched to a form of beer. And I consumed more of it by fantasizing more during periods of “sobriety”. I normalized my fantasy and lust by calling them cravings and urges. But I really was deceiving myself. I’m not going to speak for anyone or everyone else. I’m only going to speak for myself. Until I have a zero-tolerance policy on all lust and fantasy in my life, I will never be free. The truth is my P and MB have simply been extensions and symptoms of uncontrolled eyes and a free-racing mind. That’s where it started and that’s where it ends. Another RU principle…
It is easier to keep the heart clean than to clean it after it’s been defiled
For a long time, I’ve interpreted this principle to be if I act out, it will be harder to get clean again. And that’s true. Definitely. But I realize that Steve Currington uses the word heart. That means it’s not just about my behavior. He’s talking about my heart. For me, that specifically applies to my lust and fantasy, not simply my behaviors.
Learning from the alcoholics on TS, powerlessness means that they cannot control their drinking. But as long as they don’t pick up that first drink, they have control. I’ve learned that because they choose not to get into the ring with their addiction by saying, “No,” to the first one, they get their lives back. It’s a lot easier than saying, “No,” to the second, or the third, or the fifth, or the eighth. In fact, it’s impossible.
So I find it easier for me to say ,“No,” to the first look or the first thought. Otherwise, my heart is not clean, and cleaning after it’s been defiled is much more difficult. Imagine me trying to say ,“No,” to porn or MB when I’ve been entertaining thoughts of using all day in my mind. It’s too late by then. I’ve already entered the ring with lust and fantasy. Something that I’ve come to admit that I’m powerless against. They really don’t teach this in SAA. Even SA, in which their definition of sobriety includes progressive victory over lust is up to interpretation. But maybe I wasn’t ready to receive this message until much later in life.
Looking behind me. I see the destruction that I’ve caused to myself and others. People that I’ve cared for. It makes me sad and a little angry. I was trying. Why did this take me 30 YEARS! I also see something else when looking back over the battlefield. Something that I see less on TS. That is casualties. Sex addiction is filled with them. For every person coming into this war and makes it out victorious, there are at least 10 that struggle all of their lives, these are people that are really trying, going to meetings, therapy, boundaries, etc. And yet most are casualties. I’ve fallen many times. So many that I still wonder in the back of my mind if something else will come up to sweep the floor underneath me sending me to plummet beck into my lust and fantasy, and then into P and MB. I’m hoping that this time it will be different. I feel hopeful. God, please tell me that I don’t need another relapse to figure out what more you need to teach me.
As a member of NoFap and Blazing Grace, (and SAA and SA and SLAA), it is discouraging to see soooo many casualties in this addiction. Few make it to freedom. And when it happens, I must say that it does feel lonely at the top. Which is why I’m grateful to be a part of TS. So many winners. So many victorious. That’s encouraging to me. And I don’t think I would have made it this far without you guys. So thank you.