Kevin's accountability log

Pretty sure after 20 years, it’s time to get a dumb phone with no internet. I’m going to have an uncomfortable conversation with my wife, but this needs to happen. All the blocking, not blocking, triggered so i work around, all that doesn’t work, hasn’t never worked. 99% of my relapses over the last 20 years are with some sort of smart phone. I need a grandpa phone.

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I know how you must feel. This sense of hopelessness. Will I ever stop?

How much longer, Lord? What more do you need to teach me?

For a long time, I heard very clearly from the Lord that my freedom from porn was not a huge priority on His list for me. His timing has been much different than my timing.

May you uncover what God is trying to teach you.

I had dumb phones for many years. Until my network upgraded to 4G. Most dumb phones were 2G and the reception became awful. But I’m sure if one looks around, getting a dumb phone compatible with today’s networks would be possible.

Also, I need to ask,

How is your thought life? How often are you in fantasy? Is lust a problem for you when out in public? Is your toxicity level usually at a safe level or is it constantly creeping close to the danger zone?

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Congratulations! 22 days is great! And it’s true. Sobriety is a reward. It’s a gift that keeps on giving.

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Hello

I am so happy I found this post. I have done similar thing over the last few years, and I felt so ashamed and incredibly depressed every time I sober up.Its like I have a split personality. The drugged version does things the sober one will never do.

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Welcome Marius. This is a great community. I hope you find the people here as helpful as I have.

Today, I’m reminded of the main building block behavior I’ve been guilty of all of my life. As a child, l learned very early on to use sex fantasies to soothe me of my pain. Whenever I felt lonely, angry, sad, someone was upset with me, had a setback, a trial, lost in a boardgame, bored during a long drive, I would use fantasy to alter my mood. I was very effective with it. And fantasy with MB in my teen years was a nightly habit to put myself to sleep. I didn’t realize how destructive the practice was. I didn’t realize that I was opening the door to PMO addiction. I didn’t realize that I was reinforcing my toxic shame. All I knew was that I was sinning against God for thinking such thoughts. But I wasn’t aware of the damage I was causing myself. As a child, I just didn’t know better. I do now, finally.

Last Monday night, I got pulled over by a cop and received a Scott’s Law citation. That means that I passed the cop car too close while he was pulled over with his lights flashing. I should have changed lanes and passed him in the left lane. But there was traffic in that lane, and I did not feel safe to do so.

A Scott’s Law fine is pretty serious. If convicted, the fine will be over $750. But the penalty can reach up to $10,000. And I could be issued community service. That’s up to the court to decide. This requires me to appear in court. So I’m getting a lawyer. He believes I have a good chance.

But this upset me a great deal that night. I did exercise caution by slowing down considerably. And I passed the cops trying to leave as much room as I possibly could. Cars were on my left and behind me at the time. I drive a lot for my job. I cannot afford a conviction. I don’t think it was fair.

You want to know what I wanted to do? Fantasize. I thought about it. A fantasy wouldn’t hurt. Just like an alcoholic. One drink won’t hurt. Nope. I already know the drill. One fantasy will hurt. It will lead to another. Then to P-subs. Then P with MB. Then to a out of control cycle on the hamster wheel where I continue to chase a new high. And my wife will suffer as well. So no lust, no fantasy to cope with the sadness of getting that ticket. It’s not going to help. Fantasy will only make things worse for me. Day 109. No PM.

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100%. Fantasy always leads to PMO. Just one thought, one compromise, can be extremely harmful. My theme for 2023 is What IF. What if i dont fantasize, what if i dont act out, for a full year? What would that feel like? I’m not tracking days in 2023. For me, i’m tracking my systems. I’m working on my day to day functions as a human being. Focused on Overall Discipline, my thoughts, what i eat, in how i spend my time, in how i treat my kids. Before i use a bathroom, i make sure to keep all phones out of my top trigger spot. Last night before using the bathroom i tossed my phone out the room, might seem crazy to people but i know myself very well. I’m not giving the little monster an opening. Do i still have the cravings? So far in 2023, no. I’m taking this fresh start extremely seriously and working on fighting all selfish behavior. What if i wasn’t selfish in 2023? What If i was consistent in my weight loss journey? What if i didn’t fantasize being 100% loyal to my wife and god every single day, WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE? That’s where I’m at. I’m not going to be perfect, but I’m extremely aware of my mental state and i block my favorite websites all day long at work for a reason. … including all social media. I’m fighting in 2023. Not taking days. It’s loyalty in 2023. That’s all that matters to me.

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Fantasy and lust are simply nothing more than P-subs. It’s true. I can take any woman IRL and turn her into porn. I can take a room full of people at church, and turn it into porn. I can lock myself into a dark closet, and I won’t need any porn. I can just take a fantasy, made up in my head, and turn it into porn.

And what does EasyWay teach about porn? That porn, in any form, has no value. It steals from me. And gives me the illusion that I’m getting something of great value leaving me with the desire to want more.

Trying to quit porn and MB while still losing the battle with lust and fantasy each day was no more than practicing moderation. Like an alcoholic switching from hard liquor to beer. Moderation is misery. No wonder as I was quitting P, my subconscious mind was leading me to fantasize and lust even more to compensate for the less dopamine. Leaving me in a state of deprivation. Always craving, always miserable.

For me, it takes the help of God. But it’s so much easier and funner and free-er to take steps to remove all lust and fantasy from my life. Have a zero tolerance on it. So that the behavior will follow.

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