Kevin! You don’t know me, I just joined the forum a year ago. When I came here seeking help with my lust addiction, folks pointed me to some of the content you had posted. It was a tremendous help to me. Just wanted to say thanks, and it’s nice to finally meet you.
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Thank you @MikeSeekingHope. I see you’ve been doing a lot of good things for yourself. What a great year you had! Amazing! I’m impressed.
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Hey,
I just tried to encourage others as I was going along. Although I didn’t follow all the steps you did,there were some things we had/have in common and I really appreciate you and the contribution you made, especially for those of us addicted to porn and masturbation and I thought others could benefit,so I’d send em here. And as you can see, from @MikeSeekingHope,it’s been helping. So just work your program however you can. I’m glad I made it to 4 months clean of porn today (1/2 way where I was before I relapsed initially)I’m moving on up. Welcome back brother and be encouraged.
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4 months. Yeah! You go girl!
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Okay guys, time to share about what happened to me.
@Bomdhil, you reached out to me while I was away on relapse. I’m sorry I wasn’t around. But when you asked for any advice, my first thought was, have good boundaries.
So everyone, you can see my boundaries above. I put a lot of work into them over the years.
But I admit that I got sneaky by removing a very important item.
An original middle circle boundary involving internet use was missing.
I should not allow myself unfiltered access to the internet.
I conveniently left it out justifying to myself that having this unlocked smartphone allowed me access to sober time, and that I could handle it.
I thought that if I could do all of these other things for my recovery than it would compensate for this very serious boundary violation.
I was wrong. And as you all know, despite of all my knowledge and experience, I am weak. I’ve done steps 6 and 7. Feeling ready to have Good remove this character defect. I mean, other recovering porn addicts can now handle the internet. Why shouldn’t I?
But God’s response to my humble request to remove this character defect is “No, my grace is sufficient for you.” That’s been made very clear to me.
So I’ve been guilty of making porn accessible at home. My home is my castle. My safe haven. If there is any place that I should feel protected, it’s in my own house.
And here I was carrying around my unprotected phone everywhere I went. This was, for me, a time bomb waiting to explode; worse than keeping a security stash in my closet.
If I was a recovering alcoholic, would I carry a bottle of wine wherever I go?
Right now, I’m sober, and in my right mind. And if I wanted to act out, I wouldn’t be able to do it now. My computer at home is whitelisted to only access those sites I regularly use. My TV has got a Bob timer that keeps me from acting out on cable or Netflix.
And now my smartphone has no internet access until tomorrow when I drive to work and reset the locks. Thanks to an app called Stay Focused, if I want to act out, I’m going to have to buy a new device. And I’m not going to do that today. I’m actually still able to fully function on this device. I can access Sober Time, Square for my work, banking apps, fast food apps, etc.
This solution may not be most ideal, but it’s the best I’ve found until I come up with something even better. And it’s been effective. I assure you that without doing this task, I would have gotten my porn fix again because I am weak.
Feeling hopeful, really. Expect me to bring out my to-do list shortly and my love challenge. I’m not done.
Thanks everyone. You all have been great.
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@KevinesKay thanks for this sharing . I am completely agree with you. My last relapses had been with unfiltered internet. At least my home must be a safe environment. My new phone is helping me with that. A friend had blocked for me browser and apps downloader . Thanks to that today I am 17 days sober
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Discovered a bug in my Stay Focused app blocker this morning and was able to access restricted apps. It’s okay, I didn’t act out. But I did choose to uninstall it and download a new app blocker. So far, so good. I will keep you posted about how that works.
Sometimes it takes a few attempts before you get the right solution.
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I used in my android cell phone the app: perfect app lock and really worked if someone else put the password
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Perfect App Lock, eh? Thanks @Bomdhil. That looks like a good one.
The app I’m trying out now is called,
Lock Me Out
Had to pay $4.99 for the pro version, but it seems very effective. Can’t act out now unless I get a new device. 
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Great!!! I am happy you found a good app
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Guys, I acted out. Relapsed after 27 days to porn and MB.
I was having a hard time staying sober the last few days.
Constantly fantasising, ritualizing. I was even driving around checking out the massage parlors.
And when my locks expired, I didn’t reset them. And I started acting out since 5:30 last night and acted out again this morning.
Just reset my locks now that I have some clarity back.
This is not good. Complete white knuckling. Not the same person as I was before.
Time to do a more positive approach. Haven’t looked at my disaster recovery plan in a long time. Not sure if much of it still applies to me now, but I’m going to drag it out and share it with all of you soon. Thanks everyone.
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Disaster Recovery Plan
Hi Kevin! This letter is from yourself. If you’re opening and reading this letter, well then, chances are you’ve just acted out. And you’re probably feeling pretty cruddy right now. Actually, you’re in pain whether you feel it or not. Well first of all, I want you to know that this really isn’t a disaster. You just had a slip or relapse. That’s all. And Kevin, I want you to know that you are loved. So try not to beat yourself up too much. You’re powerless. You cannot control the addiction no matter what you do.
God probably wants you to learn something from this experience. Perhaps, there are some resentments that you need to admit. I would encourage you to write some of these down.
Remember not to go head to head with the addiction. It’s much powerful than you. Abide in Jesus, and let Him be the one to set you free. Right now, you owe an amends to yourself. So please do the
following ASAP. It’s important that you do this completely in order to renew self-love and self-trust. When you’re done, at the very least, you will have gained a good feeling of accomplishment.
• First, admit your acting out to the Blazing Grace and Katharos Ministries forum.
• Next, admit it to your wife.
• Talk to at least two trusted friends on the phone that same day.
• Spend some time that day in prayer, in reading the Bible, and worshiping with your guitar.
• Workout within the next 24 hours.
• Spend some quality time with your family within the next 24 hours.
• Spend some quality time with you wife with the next 24 hours.
• Read this letter, your boundary sheet, your goal sheet, your power gratitudes, and your
affirmations every day for the next 90 days.
• Call a friend, go to church, or participate in a group, every day for the next 90 days.
• Set aside some time to pray with your wife every day for the next 90 days
• Continue to dedicate a morning quiet time for prayer, reading God’s Word, and worship every day for the next 90 days.
Also, work diligently on your To-Do list. This would be a great opportunity to shoot for a 40+ point week. And give yourself a 24 hour medallion. It stands for gentleness. Remember to consistently be kind to yourself. Don’t insult and belittle yourself. Instead, talk you yourself in a loving, kind, gentle manner.
During your first year of recovery, you said something very wise. You said, “My sobriety is not an ultimate definition of my recovery.” Sobriety is a nice gift, but that’s all. You don’t need it, and God is not obligated to give it to you. What’s really important is the life behind it. If you don’t use your opportunities to grow as a person and discover other goals and dreams in your life, then the sobriety is empty. It means nothing. But if you been doing things to make your life count, than loss of sobriety cannot take that away. Keep this at heart. Thus, a good recovering person will not let a slip or relapse affect his or her life. Pick yourself up and continue on as normal as you can.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking. Don’t let the despair of a slip or relapse drive you to act out more thinking, “Well, I’ve already acted out once. I might as well get it out of my system for the week before I clean myself up!” I would be so pleased to witness you doing otherwise. Choosing to get back on the path of recovery without delay is a sign of growth and maturity. Take this fact to heart, and consider this an opportunity to display such qualities.
Well, see you later. I wish you all the
blessing from the Lord Jesus! I’m proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself.
With self love,
Kevin
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Reading my disaster recovery plan is very eye opening. I really need to heed my own advice.
The fact is that sobriety is truly a poor measurement of my recovery. White knuckling it, fighting to just abstain from sexual acting out is not very effective. Nor should it be my ultimate goal.
For clarification, I must say that my recovery is going to be unique to me. What I need to do for myself may not always apply for everyone. But I know what’s worked for me in the past, and I shouldn’t be straying away from that.
I’ve realized that there is something very wrong and missing in my daily life. I’m passive; playing the victim. Sitting on the pitty potty complaining about my finances, my marriage, my kids that don’t want to do anything isn’t going to help my situation.
It’s time that I stop being passive, waiting for something to happen, and start making something happen for myself.
First of all, I need to get some goals down. Right now, I have none. That’s a bigger problem than having no sobriety.
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This was pretty great! Thanks for sharing. I’ve been working on doing writing therapy in a sense. And this has made me rethink the acting out that I’ve been wanting to do for like the past three days. I’m gonna get in touch with my accountability partner or best friend. I think having something like this tailored to myself,or any addict for that matter, could be really helpful. Especially the latter part about “going ahead and acting out the rest of the week and then restarting next week”…yeah,that’s just the beginning of the downward spiral. And I think that’s another reason why I separated porn from masturbation, because before it’d be like I’d automatically do both. But since I started this journey,but moreso after relapsing a time or two,I realized one doesn’t have to lead to the other. And every victory,no matter how small,is encouragement. Having goals, that’s important. It’s like the Christian who just goes through the routine of going to church vs the one who’s actually engaging in a relationship with God and working out of love. At the end of it although both people were in the same place,their experiences were completely different. So keep going Kevin.
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@KevinesKay I’m so encouraged by your writing here. Some days it does feel like I’m just trying to get through the day without acting out, and that’s the wrong approach.
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Thank you @MikeSeekingHope and @Victorious. Those were encouraging responses.
Working on a to do list as well this holiday season. Discover that I need to do more for myself but struggling with complacency.
But I know that the best defense for me is a good offense. It beats trying to white knuckle it every day struggling not to act out. Which, by the way, the urge to act out is still there. Can’t right now because my locks are on.
Sometimes I just have to duke it out and stay sober. But I need to pay attention to all of my boundaries. And that includes practicing healthy outer circle behaviors in addition to avoiding the inner and middle circle ones.
I will never give up on myself, NEVER.
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So looking back on my last relapse, I noticed the following:
- As I mentioned before, I wasn’t doing a lot of healthy behaviors in my life. My To-Do list is lacking.
- Before the relapse, I was struggling a lot. I had trampled on a major middle-circle boundary by trying to view porn via my safe browser on my phone. Although, Spin Safe browser is very effective, I was trying like mad to get some relief for my addict. I now have blocked all access to the web on my phone. That seems to be more effective for me.
- Having a support system is good for me. Being on TS helped to get me back on track after I lost clarity.
I’m feeling better now. I know what I need to do next. Time to get some action in the game.
Here’s an updated Goal Sheet:
Why do I want to change?
• I want to be more content with my life.
• I want to be more secure in the Lord and content with myself
without depending on other people to provide me validation.
• I want to be more attractive to myself and my wife.
• I want to be in better shape.
• I want to live a long, healthy life.
• I want to be someone that makes the most of his life
as opposed to just passively waiting for life to happen to me.
Dreams
• I want to have a great body.
• I want to bench press 300 lbs.
• I want to squat 500 lbs.
• I want to be a singer.
• I want to play the guitar very well, and perform with my singing.
• I want to learn Spanish.
• I want to write a book about my experiences with my addiction and my recovery.
• I want to get out of debt.
• I want to be financially secure.
• I want to have a great relationship with my wife and kids.
• I want my daughters to be properly home schooled.
• I want to encourage my entire family to serve the Lord.
• I want to create an app that will help a porn addict function with a smartphone.
• I want a job that will keep me physically active.
• I want to be an amazing balloon twister.
Goals for the next 3 months
• To work out at least 30 times this quarter
• To apply and send my resume to at least 12 job openings
• To fix my son’s car (brake lines)
• To clean my entire basement
• To pay down my debt by at least $1,500.00
• To completely finish my website for my balloon twisting business.
Goal for the next year
• To complete the app I have in mind that will benefit porn addicts.
It will be called XDelay.
Things that may impede my progress
• My busy schedule; I have two jobs
• My desire to be lazy and procrastinate
• My desire to act out sexually
Things I can do to help me along this period
• Keep recording my progress on my To-Do list each day.
• Read through this goal list at least one each week.
• Record my progress monthly to insure I don't fall behind.
• Review your grateful inventory. Think about the good things in life,
acknowledging and being grateful and content with what I do have
as opposed to feeling sorry and pitiful for what I don't have.
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I love all this. Making a list like this would be a really good exercise for me. Thanks for sharing.
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Affirmations
• Today I accept that the life I have known is over.
• I am entering a new and blessed phase of my time here.
• I accept pain as my teacher and problems as the key to a new existence for me.
• I seek guides in my life and understand that they may be different than I anticipate.
• I accept the messages surrounding me. Negativity is replaced with positive acceptance.
• I realize that I have had a hard life and that I deserve better.
• I let the Holy Spirit melt the hardness of my heart.
• I comfort and nurture myself. As part of the surrender of my pride, I will let others give to me as an act of faith in my value as a person.
• I accept my illness as part of the trauma of this culture and my family.
• I appreciate that in the chaos of the now, my instincts and beliefs may work against me. My recovering friends help me sort out healthy instincts and beliefs from unhealthy ones.
• Time is transforming my loneliness into solitude, my suffering into meaning, and relationships into intimacy.
• I do not blame or search for fault. It is not who, but how, and what happened.
• I commit to reality at all costs knowing that is where I will find ultimate serenity.
• I accept that life is difficult and that leaning into the struggle adds to my balance.
• I allow myself to exercise, develop, and appreciate the many gifts that God has given me. I no longer focus on the things I don’t have.
• I graciously accept God’s gifts. Sobriety, personal talents, and other gifts are not earned. They are not rewards or things that I deserve. God freely gives them to me according to his will, and Ireceive them.
• I love and nurture myself. I cannot give love to God or to others without first loving myself, and I do.
• I embrace my marriage. I seek not to be loosed, and look forward to a lifetime of holy matrimony.
• By His grace, I surrender to God my privilege to have sex, my privilege to experience physical orgasm, my privilege to enjoy a person’s physical beauty, and my privilege to enjoy a person’s sensual attention. In addition, by His grace, I surrender to God my privilege to fall in love, my privilege to experience romantic love, and my privilege to experience any emotional good feelings that go along with the love such as those felt when on a date, experiencing a kiss, having a relationship, getting married, having a baby, feelings of security, and receiving emotional and sexual attention from another person. I do not necessarily need these things to make me happy and content. If I receive them, then that’s great, but God does not owe them to me. They are not rights or freedoms. Every being in this world has to surrender these privileges in some way or another. I am not an exception. And by surrendering these privileges, I will give myself more of a chance to receive true contentment, peace, serenity, and satisfaction in my life.
• In understanding the miraculous and marvelous difference that men tend to be charged more by physical sensations whereas women tend to be charged more by emotional experiences, I am aware that God desires a man to unconditionally love his woman without expecting sex, love, or good feelings in return. Likewise, God also desires a woman to unconditionally love her man without expecting sex, love, or good feelings in return. Thus, God ultimately is using marriage and relationships with family, children, and others to challenge us to love unconditionally as He unconditionally loves us. Furthermore, I take it to a higher challenge to choose to love God unconditionally. Which means I surrender to God my privilege to see, my privilege to hear, taste, smell, and touch. I surrender to God my privilege to feel good feelings, my privilege to eat, my privilege to have sex, my privilege to feel love, and my privilege to live. Thus, I choose to love God more than sight. I choose to love God more than hearing, smell, taste, and touch. I love God more than good feelings. I love God more than food. I love God more than sex.
I love God more than love.
I love God more than life.
I love God more than salvation.
I love God not for what He does for me or how he makes me feel, but for who He is.
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