Learning to be a moderate or social drinker - unrealistic goal?

Advice & Questions
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There’s nothing noble about total abstinence. I did it because I was sick of making myself look like an idiot in public. I was sick of constantly wasting my life nursing increasingly worse hangovers. And I was done being self-destructive.

I don’t need to drink alchohol to spend time with friends and family. There are other beverage options available. Water, soft drinks, lemonades etc.

I don’t think one can ‘learn’ to moderate. It’s too much effort and it takes too much effort to be worth the hassle. Some people just don’t like drinking as much as I do, so they don’t develop a drinking problem. Others are in denial, like I was for the better part of a decade. But no one actually successfully learned to control their drinking. My husband doesn’t think about his drinking. Never has. He doesn’t get drunk, he usually stops after a couple. No effort or thinking or learning required.

You think you might have a problem, that’s for you to decide. If you want to stop, this community is a wonderful resource. If you wanna moderate or debate the nobility of moderation with people such as myself who almost lost their lives to addiction, you might want to seek other, more appropriate communities.

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Thanks @DylanL !

I think I am able to admit to myself that I am an addict. Lord knows I’ve been ashamed and disappointed with myself for long enough!

The problem is, I really, really like those first few drinks, especially with good company. And I keep lying to myself by thinking that I’ll just enjoy those first 2-3 drinks then bow out.

You’ve had an interesting experience in the music/comedy scene. I come from an Asian culture where:

a.) drinking is deeply embedded in the lifestyle (especially for men) and b.) Rejecting a drink is seen as a total social faux pas and downright rude to your host.

I can’t change my cultural/family background in the same way you can just find new friends. That’s why I was hoping to explore the possibility of moderate drinking.

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Alcoholism isn’t a personality trait. It’s a medical condition that is incurable. Judging by what you’ve posted you probably are alcoholic.

You can play devils advocate all you want but that won’t change your outcome.

Eventually alcohol will take all of those things from you that you think you still need alcohol to enjoy. I learned my lesson the hard way so that I can pass along my experience in hopes of helping the next person avoid my outcome. However, after many years on this forum I have found that most people need to learn that the hard way. You don’t have to though if you listen to literally every person on this thread

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This! All day long

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Thanks @Englishd

Finding out the hard way also seems to be a feature of my life.

I appreciate your advice. I guess my work has been cut out for me, totally change my social life and fill my life with other things (what exactly? I’m not sure).

The tricky thing for me is my very drink-y family. As I mentioned above, I come from an Asian background where drinking is a huge part of life (especially for men) and rejecting a drink is total social faux pas.

These are challenges I need to work out how to overcome…

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That is a challenging situation. A few years ago I spent a month in Vietnam as an alcoholic and it was definitely exasperated by the culture in Vietnam. I got a little too comfortable drinking beers on ice all day long. I had the same experience in Korea.

Sobriety is worth it no matter what challenges are present. At this point in sobriety I don’t care who I offend or insult by not drinking, culturally or socially. My life and wellness are more important than how others perceive me.

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Well, to be honest if moderation is what you are after…then this isnt the place for yoy. This forum is meant for sobriety. Do I have an opinion on your situation, yes. Its your situation and yours to decipher.

I hope you stick around, just know talking about moderation, just isnt what this place is for.

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What you experienced in Vietnam / Korea is not far off my background.

I really appreciate what you said about putting yourself first and not giving a toss about what others think.

For me, easier said than done! A work in progress.

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Come back when you relapse…

We’ll be here for support.

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I appreciate your genuine, heartfelt support! :slight_smile:

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I struggled with thinking I could will or teach myself to moderate for a few years. I finally admitted I have problematic drinking habits and am way better off sober. I’m a year in and wouldn’t give it up.

Enjoying the first few drinks are what gets you. But you have to remember it’s never just one. And the mental gymnastics of “if I cut my wine into a spritzer I can drink more” “ if I drink 1 water for every drink” “If I only drink beer instead of liquor”… will wear you tf out.

I hope you figure out what’s best for you. Continuing to drink for others won’t serve you.

We’re here if/when you decide moderation isn’t an option. I have a hunch you already know that :purple_heart:

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Yep your advice is consistent with everyone else’s.

I’m sadly coming to the reality that sober life might be my only option.

I can’t help but feel sad because I feel as if I’m ditching my social life. As for these ‘benefits’ of sober life, I have yet to discover them but I’m hoping I will.

Thanks for your support!

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Welcome @ducksauce88 its lovely to meet you :smiling_face:. I so so wanted to moderate my drinking, I tried everything! One boozy drink then a water then another boozy drink. Drinking every other day…. Lasted a few days then something stressful would happen and I’d go straight to a drink to chill out my stress levels. Every one in my circle (my hubby and two sons 21 and 26 said,”mum your not that bad” but I know how it affected me) point is if you think you have a problem moderating then you most definitely do. I used to wake at 3am when I drank before bed. The dread and stomach churning anxiety was awful. I drank at teatime. Cooking dinner, 2 stubby beers whilst prepping food then open the wine for dinner. My hubby doesn’t drink often so it was just me. It got to the point where I was opening a second bottle!! I’d open it and pour a large glass and I never drank it cause I’d usually be drunk and pass out. It would still be sat there in the morning for me to throw away. I was ashamed and mad at myself because I couldn’t NOT pour it the night before. The addiction took over! Coming here to this place has helped me so much! I’m now nearly 4 years sober! I was given some advice quite early on by a friend on here and it resonated with me, it went right in. It was this…. NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES! If you keep trying to moderate you won’t succeed. You obviously know that you’re stuck in a loop, just like so many of us on here. Maybe change IS what you need? It’s not all sunshine and rainbows when you cut out alcohol, tough days still come but you find new ways to deal with them. I wish you well on your moderation, I really do but just know if you find it doesn’t work and you want to get some genuine, caring support please come back here.no judgement just normal, real people that want to support each other in sobriety. I also want to say that if you lose friends because you stop drinking then they never really were your friends. :pray:t2::two_hearts: Just my opinion.

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You’re grieving. I grieved too (still am to an extent but it is fading). Our addiction is with us for so long that it feels like a familiar friend, a safe space. (Ironically it is isolating and poisoning us, but we don’t really see that clearly until later.)

But the grief is real. It is like saying goodbye to a place that has been home for a long time. Home feels like home - and it’s a challenge to move to a new one.

You will discover the benefits. It will take time but you will discover them. I have already found significant benefits both in my relationship and in my business, and I’m just 6 weeks in. “It works if you work it”, the saying goes. Keep an open mind and get ready to push yourself to try new things and meet new people. You will learn a lot :innocent:

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It’s a big change in life and that can be hard. There’s a reason behind the phrase “one day at a time”

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Thanks for sharing your story. You’ve been on quite a journey and it’s awesome that you’re 4 years sober. Amazing achievement. I’m on day 2 but aspire to your level of success.

Are you by any chance Australian? Your post gives me Aussie vibes!

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Because you’re not like “everybody else”. Why can’t a kid with peanut allergy eat a Snicker’s bar? Because he’ll die. His friends can eat them, but he can’t.

That’s how I began to look at it. I’ve yet to hear of a recovering alcoholic who’s been “cured” and able to drink socially without things going to shit. I’ve tried it, many people here have tried it, and I’m not hearing any success stories. My life had to be destroyed twice before I finally left the denial stage, stopped trying to rationalize, and own the fact that I’m an alcoholic and can never drink again.

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Start reading some of the threads from people that hit yearly milestone…yet to find anything sad. Getting sober isxa mindset change.

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Welcome to the forum. I’ve read through all the responses you’ve gotten and what you’ve given in return and there’s a lot I could say that really has already been said, so I’ll just say that the advice you’ve gotten is pretty solid thus far.

My comments are under this tab in order to save some space because it's a little long.

I’d like to address the social/family aspect of your concerns; and, of course, not offending people. If it is something you can do, it might be useful to talk with people in your family one-on-one and let them know that you will be choosing to abstain from alcohol for some time. If you feel you need a reason you can list off some health related benefits that you are interested in. Some people might balk at ‘superficial reasons’ like ‘for my skin’. There are real health benefits that you could figure out, or you could mention something else that would seem reasonable.

This way, they would be aware of your decision and would be able to offer you to appropriate beverage. There would be no refusing them and causing offense. Of course, this would only work if they would see your letting them know in advance one of allowing them to save face in the future, and if they were willing to offer you something besides alcohol in the future.

Friends are a little more difficult. Of course some of the same tactics can be used, but unfortunately friendships that use drinking as the glue which holds them together, more of “associations”. We all want/need different things from friendships. Some want a closer and deeper relationship with their friends, and others really just want people they can hang with on occasion. And often we see a mix.

Deep friendships will not be ruined if one person decides not to drink. Some lighter associations also might remain if there is more than drinking. It is very hard to let your old life go. Sometimes the best decisions you can make are also the most difficult. There are other groups you can find to socialize, but they probably won’t feel as exciting. There is a certain charge that can come with hanging out in groups that drink. It can be alluring, but the glitz and glam that first attracted us eventually becomes empty and colorless in time.

There is always a debt we build up when it comes with using any substance–whether that is alcohol, caffeine, elicit drugs, etc.–we take a loan out in the short term with the good high and the crash in the morning, but that loan comes with high interest rates and we pay that over the long-term. We can buy out, but that too will cost us because we’ve already gone in for the loan. The cost of quitting might be withdrawals for some, giving up their social groups for another, facing the emotional pain of what they’ve been escaping might be another’s.

It sounds like there is a lot at risk for you. You might lose friends, perhaps you may risk offending some people in your family, or the pain of dealing with some mocking from others. Maybe you may even have to withdraw for a time to avoid putting yourself in situations where you might be tempted. We are all different people with different lives and different needs. It sounds like that for you this would be a big cost.

So what might be helpful is to pull out a paper and a pen (seriously) and write down what the costs would be on one side. Then write the benefits on the other; because there are benefits. Once you’re done, ponder it. Think about what you think your life will be like in 5 years, in 10 years, etc., for each path. If you don’t stop, where do you think your life will be? If you quit, where do you think you’ll be. Perhaps even write these things down. Ponder all of this.

We can all give you advice from our own lives and our experiences. We have all dropped down into our own personal hells and clawed our way back. We can say what that’s been like for us, and we can even tell you what we’ve seen others go through, but in the end you’re the one who needs to walk your own path and you will only make the changes necessary if you think it will be worth it to you. Writing things down and pondering them will give you the answer.

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Allen Carr’s Easyway to Control Alcohol https://a.co/d/f3uQnLb

NO, becoming a parent will not force you to learn to drink moderately. It may, however, compound the problem and will most assuredly multiply many times over your feelings of guilt, shame and regret, hightening anxiety for which you may feel the need to drink more, compounding the problem… round n round it painfully, miserably, soul crushingly goes. Till you decide to put on the breaks and get off the nightmare of a ride you have now included your family on. Don’t do it.

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