Let's talk about sober sex


#1

This group feels save enough to share very private stuff. So here it comes.
Normally my bf and I ended up between the sheets when we had a few, or a lot drinks. You know how that works, I’m sure. But now, without alcohol, the only thing what’s left for me now is love. Surrendering by feeling the love for my body, his body, our bodies. That scares me to death! And Im getting so sad and upset by that thought. I know it ought to be like that but I’m just afraid I can’t. Does anyone recognise this? Did you work on this since 1 or both of you got sober? Love to hear your stories about this matter.


#2

Try focusing on your relationship and being intimate without worrying about the physical sense of it now that you are newly sober. It will make that physical connection so much easier if you’re intimate in other ways. Good luck! :heart:


#3

Best part about sober sex is actually remembering it the next day :blush:

My relationship has improved tenfold tho and being sober made me realise that I actually like being with him and there’s no need to haze up my mind with alchohol. I get being overwhelmed tho, it’s like I am finally allowing these feelings to come out, some are bad, others are good. But both types can equally take one off guard.


#4

I’m having a horrible time with this thing called sober sex and aging. My husband is 12 years older than me and has ED ~ throws spontaneity out the window and I am post menapausasal and lack a sex drive. Been married 30 years and just not connecting. I don’t know how to deal with this at all. Doctor was zero help.
Help!


#5

Thanks Mandi! Yeah I’ll try to focus on our relationship. Had the feeling I haven’t got enough space for that right now. I think this phase is a very selfish one. But I hope it will be better with time.


#6

Wow that great to hear, that your relationship improved that much! I hope I’ll be overwhelmed too, when the moment is there, in a good way :slight_smile:


#8

I actually went completely off it for the first 6 months of my sobriety. It just didn’t interest me. I was more focused on staying sober and working on myself. I realised how much I had shit off emotions with drink and drugs, so when you take those away you have to wait for those basic emotions to resurface and settle down inside you.

Around month 7 I started finding women attractive again and being sexually aroused again. No I find sex is a million times better in sobriety, feeling and emotion with somebody else blows my mind everytime.


#9

Sober sex is amazing! But sadly you have to be having sex to realize that and this guy definitely has not been having sex sooo sober masturbation has been fun tho, not quite having a partner that is playing back tho but sometimes that’s not in the cards for the last roughly 26 months if I include prison bc welll yeah that was not happening in prison lol :joy::man_facepalming:t3:
The one time I did have sex while being sober for a couple months was great, and that was mostly bc of the incredible feelings I had with touch and just being in the moment. Just wished it would have been with someone that I cared about. She was a co worker and it was more her just wanting it for awhile and me being very lonely…


#10

Hahaha. Yes I don’t miss those days of coyote ugly… :joy:. I’d rather gnaw my arm off then wake her up in the morning bc drugs and make up for her lie lol


#11

Exactly, just focusing on myself.
But feels really selfish towards my partner. Glad to hear your enthusiasm:)


#12

As a man in my early 30’s I must say my sex drive is far lower than it used to be. Before I used to be like a rabbit now its once every two weeks and soon probably once a month then once every 6 months and so on.

The hangovers would be my hornyness and I would be horny for 3 days straight.

Strange with age and sobriety I have changed a lot in that respect.


#13

Been married for 20 years, so we know our way around eachother, so to speak.

Sex sober is better. My wife and I agree. Sober I am 100% in tune to her. Like the difference between driving drunk or sober.


#14

Hi Carol! Do you have a local sex store you could go to? I always find the people there so helpful and have ideas you haven’t thought about. It’s hard (no pun intended) to open to the at first. But once you do you may be surprised. Just a thought…take care!


#15

Your biggest sex organ is your brain. Being spontaneous is something we plan for…like a surprise getaway.

But planning “dates” is important to us. This way we get our stuff done, so we can focus on each other.

But sex for us begins days in advance. Maybe a longer hug. A spontaneous kiss. Making sure the laundry is done, and my daughter is set for school.

And yes, it has changed as we’ve aged. It’s better, more meaningful, if less frequent.


#16

More meaningful is what I hope for. It’s all happening in the brain, just have to train it in the right way.

And now I have a weird picture in my mind of yoda who is having sex :rofl:


#17

When I first stopped drinking, I lost my sex drive which I thought was mad. (Thanks PAWS) In the past if I didn’t “get any” I’d act up like mad. Which of course created resentment.
I was so tired of an evening that I just fell asleep pretty much as soon as my head hit the sack!
But I think that it gave me time to revaluate my relationship with sex. I no longer get resentful, and our intimate relationship is heating up. It’s like setting the clock back 28 years. So I have sobriety to thank for another thing. Just taking it slow!:sunglasses:


#18

Best way to get better at something is to do it. Then keep getting better at getting better each and every day!


#19

My mister and I are both alcoholics and have had plenty, plenty of drunk sex. Lots of “huh, we banged last night, right?” mornings. I do enjoy sober sex much more. Feels more intimate (which is terrifying at first) but I can also be present and in the moment. I thought we wouldn’t be as wild and open to new things once we cut out the alcohol but that didn’t turn out to be the case, we just had to get comfortable communicating what we wanted without the liquid courage.


#20

Wow, i like your idea of foreplay! :joy::stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:


#21

I’m struggling with this topic myself. My wife never used, but I was a meth user for almost 4 years. It was amazing when I could function but one too many hits and it was not going to happen. Now I’m lucky if the desire hits. Not only that, I’m lucky if I can maintain for any extended amount of time. Will this get better with time or an I screwed. (No pun intended.) What can I do to make this better.