LGBTQ+ & Sober: Coming Out Later In Life

[Andy_Charlie]

Hey Friends, today is not a good day with everything that is happening in world. What’s happening in Ukraine, whats happening in Texas with this new anti trans laws and florida with the anti gay.

I was reading a few minutes ago, how the gov of texas is going to follow with this new disgusting law to the parents of transgender kids for child abuse and how in Florida the parents have to inform the school is gay or not. Man this break my heart because being a kid and knowing that you could be gay and that is a law against you is horrible and how they are going to arrest in rusia lgtbqi+ activist and a lot of horrible things.

I just want to send my love and a hug to everyone.

[Dazercat]

I’m glad to see this thread come around again. I hope this is appreciated. I thought it was pretty cool.
God Bless you all

[Thirdmonkey]

One of my most favorite quotes

[ShesGotMoxie]

My youngest son and his husband, my brother, my maternal uncle, and two of my closest friends are gay. I apologize if the word “gay” is offensive to anyone, but this is how they describe themselves. I’m so fortunate to have them all in my life… not because they’re gay, but because they are beautiful, kind, and loving souls.

[anon42928441]

[Dkyle678]

Has anyone else been in rehab for anything? As a lgbtq+ individual, it was difficult finding the right place and care. And the place I did find help is struggling financially. Just curious of others thoughts! 7 months sober because of them.

[Mat77]

Hetero cis male here, but I met people and studied my fair share of gender and sexuality. The worst thing that can happen to one is to be deprived of oneself. Look for networks and support no matter how hard it is to come out, transition, etc - you’re not alone. You can count on this boring geezer here. All the best.

[Dkyle678]

Thank you @Mat77 luckily I found a rehab center focused on men in our community, came out myself a long time ago and have known what I like since 7. Always good to hear other experiences and journeys. Appreciate your support!

[Mat77]

I once met the first trans man ever in Brazil because I was doing research on gender transition. Quite a nice bloke, funny, smoked like a chimney (his ultimate cause of death) - we became acquainted, I even reviewed the translation of his book. He underwent clandestine surgery (hysterectomy and mastectomy) during the military dictatorship, and got new documents. Since he couldn’t be the psychologist woman, he became a painter and artisan man to survive. An inspiration; a remarkable person.

[Dazercat]

[Mursaul]

I think this is one of the reasons for why I abused alcohol.

[mamador]

I’m getting in the water here and joining the conversation.

This is a lot but I want to see if being real here helps. Delete if not allowed.

So.

I’m pansexual + nonbinary, leaning hard transmasc but masking as femme for mental health reasons rn.
My husband knows but never supported until months after I tried coming out. His initial response was “why are you doing this to me?” and “go lay in the road”

He apologized and had since come around, sort of. My guard’s not very down on that one yet. It hurt. I did forgive but wounds take time.

My heart daily aches for the secret solace and only source of support and friendship I had for almost 2 years. A private discord server called the sheep squad with a small extremely close group of transmasc/nb/binary trans men.

I removed myself from there and ghosted after the hurt was too much. I regret it very much every day.
My harsh reality is never really being sure I’ll exist as I see myself in my head.

I have 2 kids, and others perceive me as just an odd regular 32yo mom/lady. My hatred of this fact hurts me every day. I’m in therapy, we’re going to cover this eventually.

I know my parents never would accept. Midwestern white cishet Christian God fearing ppl. I love them more than I can mess up my relationships with them. I’ve had multiple mental breaks over my existence but I’m trying to make peace with it. I don’t know.

I imagine myself as a masculine person. I am not a girl. I hate this life we live, trapped inside our heads sometimes. I have no transmasc support groups rn, and I miss that. The realness. The relatability. The secret freedom of posting pics in my real dream attire. The validation.

For everything I’ve said I just want to counter with I’ve also reached a personal conclusion that I’m not entirely done with this journey but I don’t know how to create a world I can live in as my personal self right now all alone so I hope to work on this further with my therapist.

I love my family and have let them still be pretty involved in my life (complicated story itself there), but they have extremely harsh views and very literally said they do not generally, or realistically at all, support trans rights or ppl. My brother mocks trans ppl. My sister followed suit. Very religious base. If only they knew.
I knew this about myself from an early age but I also asked just a few surface questions and found the personal fear-based validation I needed to keep myself internalized, in the name of Jesus of course. I no longer serve the Lord, lol.

I would safely say this drove me to hurt myself and use drugs/alcohol a lot.

Anyways, I’m sober now, my real (other) name is Benny Lee. Sorry for the lengthy writing.

Have a great day & thanks for having me here.

[ETA: lol I never touched on the pansexual part but it’s there and latent internalized homophobia & misogyny are real and I’m working to remove those things thanks to therapy and real talks. I’m allowed to be attracted to attractive ppl darn it, and I can be okay with it]

[Mno]

Thanks for sharing friend. No way in hell this would be deleted. You’re not alone in many ways. There’s a friend of me on this site, a trans guy called Tomek (@tomek) who posted higher up in this thread. I’m a born male myself, not unhappy about that but not feeling very masculine. And not totally sure how to describe my sexual orientation. When I grew up we had hetero, gay or bi. And a couple of trans people. I never felt truly at home in any of these categories and now I don’t care. I’m trying to be myself, just like you.

[Kareness]

My 13 y.o. son identifies as nonbinary. Many of his friends do, too. Like @Mno said, when I was growing up, there was hetero, gay or bi.

[anon42928441]

Hi Benny! So glad to see you posting here. I myself am pan and so happy I have finally let myself be me There are some amazing people in this thread and I’m sure posting will open up the opportunity to find a new group of friends!

Happy you are here!

[Tomek]

Hi! It’s nice to have you here! I was in a similar situation, I was about 36 when I came out to myself (as a trans guy), married, two kids, conservative parents, etc. I thought there was no way I could transition or change in any way mainly because of the kids and the obstacles and shame in my head. I didn’t see any way out, so I just drank and was suicidal. It all changed when I stopped drinking. Transition was still a no-go, but I could face losing my parents so I came out to them. I started transitioning socially. I felt, that it’s a one-way road, I couldn’t take even one step back. Even so my dysphoria got worse rapidly. One day I got misgendered and it hurt so much that I decided to ask for an appointment, because otherwise I would give up. I still wasn’t sure if I could go on hormones, I felt weak for all these battles. It took almost a year to end the procedures and start hormone therapy. I was utterly terrified before that. I have been on testosterone for 5 months now and I’m totally sure that for me that was the right choice. The kids took it very well (they are 8 and 5 yo). At the beginning they didn’t understand what was it about and they were afraid of the unknown. But since they see that I’m more balanced and since it’s not just words anymore, they are ok with it. Actually they are a lot happier with me than with that depressed, miserable alcoholic who used to be their mother. My marriage ended though. So I had lots of losses, but what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t see where does this road lead, where would this journey end almost the entire time. I still don’t know. And I was scared, terrified, hopeless, desperate almost the entire time. But not knowing the destination doesn’t mean that you can’t take steps towards the person who you truly are.
Let me know if I can help, I gladly share my experiences, you can PM me anytime. Also this forum is very supportive, read and share as much as you want and reach out.

[Dazercat]

Very courageous share Benny. I’m glad you’re here.
And I hope you can find TS a safe place for support.

[mamador]

Thank you so much!! I so appreciate the acceptance this forum always gives, I love having a home and community vibe to fall back on. And yeah, it seems like as thing have changed and having more vocabulary for my different orientations, it feels like it was hopeless at first but now, as time has gone on I’m learning I don’t owe explaining or ‘coming out’ to be my personal self, but I’m still pursuing my truth (albeit a slower growth than I thought originally) and starting to accept that the journey will be alright, I can have chosen family along with my bio family

Thanks again sm!!

[mamador]

Yeah! I think just starting to have the terms and words that describe the things going on was such a huge turning point in the was I could accurately see myself for the first time everrrr.
Also super props to you for supporting your 13yo

[mamador]

thank you soo much for the pan solidarity!! I’m so happy i shared here, no regrets and excited to make some new connections in another part of my whole self journey!

Thanks you for the name drop alsooo