Thank you for the supportive insight, I really appreciate it!
That colleague sounds like a good example of being an ally done right.
I had to laugh a little and agree on your point of “what are we in the lgbt+ space supposed to look like?” I’m really baffled by this one sometimes. I know there’s ‘queer coding’ as a concept, but that’s not really the case for the huge spectrum of people existing here.
So glad you’re able to exist in the world just being yourself in a more comfortable way; I can only imagine how things must’ve been in the 80’s, just from media and reading. Absolute props to you for “coming out at large” during that time also, and I loved that phrasing of it as an aside, lol.
Thanks much as always, I so appreciate the support and I’ll for sure keep going on all this in a more positive, less self-accusatory way going forward. I do have to like myself in the end after all
Hey thank you for the solidarity and support! Sending the same your way ofc!
I’ll be sure to keep updates here, it’s so thrilling to have everything I need community-wise here in this forum. I have to agree, coming out is hard as heck; daunting and reactions are very different and unpredictable a lot of the time.
I’m glad you’re with a group of friends that support your identity! I hope it goes well for you next week also!
You know, honestly, your post is the most relatable, the part abt repairing your relationship w/femininity is parallel to my own in so many ways. I actually read it several times and it got me pondering that concept all afternoon and even into this morning.
So I edited it, because I realized no one’s quite put it in that way, and I think nb just in and of itself is enough. I actually done hate being feminine I realized, think the overcompensation of needing “masc” 100% came from the same sort of thing.
I just want to personally express a fact that I exist as “somewhat shapeless morphing something” on the spectrum lol, but that’s too long and nb fits better
Plus, rather not limit myself to losing the ability to combine all the feelings of gender to one set since is not really the way I am in the end.
I’m gonna shift my therapy to this specific topic for a while since my therapist is such a calm, thoughtful gem who knows about this post of me already. I think exploring it out loud, really getting into the weeds of it with someone safe would be so cathartic.
I live in Alaska and i can 100% vibe with the terror of having small town coming out anxiety. I have 2 very brave friends who were persistent enough to say fuck it, and openly live their truths, bigotry be dammed. Honestly they’re role models to me, despite my never having the courage to come out to them yet (might try again sometime soonish).
This ended up being another lifetime tldr post, but yours was the one I most relate to and I wanted to reply from the heart.
And yes! My name Benny (Benny Lee A. would be the full other name) is living in my head and heart. I’m happy that another person knows and remembers it. Benny’s kept me going a lot of times.
Sending best of luck to you as well, we might still exist somewhat in the shadows but we can get there together in whatever way that ends up looking, thanks again so much
Thanks so much for the solidarity and support!! I’m happy this forum is a safe place to talk about these things freely!
I’ll keep things updated as I go along of course, and give support to any others who need it in return!
@mamador For me besides the fear of unpredictable reactions the most difficult thing during coming outs was the huge amount of shame that got unfolded and surfaced by opening up. It was something I didn’t expect or not as strongly and long-lasting as it did actually overwhelm me in reality. But I never regretted it. They say it’s not ’coming out’ rather letting others in, into your life, letting them know you. It feels as if being tested, but it’s not you that will be measured, but the other person’s ability to accept others as they are.
You are extraordinary! I am in awe at the discussion you have started and of all these responses you have taken the time to write for each of us.
I adore your “2 years long” reply! I’m getting a bit teary eyed reading it and hearing that you can relate. It’s something I don’t really talk about outside of therapy and rarely feel external validity of.
I would love to write a much longer reply but work is pulling me away at the moment. I’ll try to pop back on here into this conversation later.
@mx_elle there was something you wrote in your post earlier that made me chuckle and you later edited it out. If in your baby steps out of protective mode you do want to post that again/open up and talk about that I would love to hear about more of your journey.
Lots of love to you all in this beautiful space of vulnerability. the discussions had here help me so much in deciphering my own existence.
Hey, another fellow pan here! i can relate strongly with the complications of spirituality, family and trying to just be our authentic selves all the while.
I think it says a lot about your strength and courage as a person to venture and come out in that situation and stick to your guns.
I can also understand the added mental tax that takes, dealing with the rejection bc ‘spiritual reasons’, it did really intensify my use once I came to terms with my identity and stopped repressing, just bc of the lack of acceptance i realized i faced.
I applaud you for what you’re doing now being sober and trying to figure things out with a clear head, that can be so stressful.
Keep doing the things, we’re here for support and solidarity!
You’re free to use that as a title anywhere and have my blessing ofc lol i love the idea of it as a burlesque name btw.
Thanks for feeling like you can share in the conversation here, I really appreciate it actually. These things are so complex to unpack anyways so having places to talk it out seems critical (duh i guess lol)
Also, I’m so happy for your freedom in your relationship with your husband. That seems like a beautiful thing, and I’m so glad you guys are giving each other the room to just grow in your personhood, etc together. What a great evolution of a journey i think.
I stan the idea of baby steps. Getting comfy with checking out the other side of emotional safeguards is a lot and I’m realizing it applies even moreso as ppl like us coming out later in pre-established settings and lifestyles.
100% wishing you the best, i love the description of dancing along the gender spectrum. Makes it seem less ominous and more lovely.
I’ll try to keep updates here, i love the this thread gets our niche of TS to convene a bit, it’s really nice.
Take care & have a good evening!
I have to say, well put; I really like the concept of us “letting others in” for our own sake vs. coming out for them. It reads as more empowering tbh.
I’ve got to agree, the unavoidable shame I felt coming out irl the first time I did in 2020, to someone very close, was wild, and I think unexpected also, which made it even more daunting.
In the end though, despite the really rough initial response they gave me, i was eventually met with an apology and a lot better reception after they thought about their own reactions, etc. It was something I hadn’t banked on, and that did make returns on the emotional investment risk feel really worth it finally.
Going forward this time around with more coping skills and a little more confidence so hoping to get more positive reception, maybe without the drama first lol (ideally at least )
Thanks sm for understanding where I’m coming from with all this, and i really appreciate the viewpoints you put out there also! Have a good evening!
It has definitely been hard having a God following grandmother and being pan and her telling me “no you’re not, you know better than that” thats what hit the hardest, is when she said “you know better than that”
But ever since i have accepted God and I KNOW that he loves me and accepts me, i have come to terms with myself and my sexuality. I still struggle with accepting myself when it comes to my gender identity. And im working on it in therapy.
Thank you so much you have no idea how much that means to me
Thanks so much for taking time to read the reply!
I’m glad to be able to revive some community here for even a short bit, and might try to visit here more regularly just to poke a stick at things and keep it relevant somewhat lol.
I’m in the same boat with feeling a little shaky talking about these things outside of therapy (which is even new there as a subject) or in my journaling. It feels good to connect about again though, honestly.
We can at least keep trucking through our journeys knowing there’s solidarity, i think adding that component, even just here a little, helps. It gave me a desire to consider all this again for the first time in ages, something I’ve neglected a lot in that section of life.
Thanks for all the awesome convos, and have a great weekend!
Been apping for a while with my sister yesterday.
Out of the blue, she sent me a picture of my father as a child and a few of both parents in their late teens.
And, finally, I got some pics of myself as a child.
I told her I never kept any pics of myself cause I never liked looking at what I saw.
As a child I was cute though ! Due to my curly hair I was often mistaken for a girl.
Another pic was a more saddening one : me as a child, arms around my legs and clearly locked up in my head. No argue there, when it comes the autism issues in early childhood.
And then one from my twenties. Wow, never realised I looked that bad in my worst days of active addiction…
And, finally I told her I’m pansexual and somewhere in the nonbinary area, still trying to figure out how to describe my gennder more accurately.
She reacted in a good way like I expected and even tried motivating me to one day tell our parents, though she understand my reluctance to it.
Life must be strange when your 48 brother tells you he hasn’t always felt a brother…
Looking back at ourselves after closing the door on those memories, etc for a while can be hard, or just weird and illuminating at the same time, or all of those things.
I remember feeling the same way at a certain point about looking at old pictures bc it brought back those feelings of being weird and out of sorts, very frustrated w/myself in my own mind and body. It changes with time, with hindsight I’m more patient and present for that kid now.
Even as lgbt+ young addicts, big same, i remember thinking i was getting away with something and no one would know how torn inside i was, if i just masked it with a lot of substances.
I hope your sister’s reaction was positive! Big props to you for taking that step; it’s always a bit of a risk.
Also have to give solidarity for NB + Pan combo pride!
I hope you keep finding yourself and comfort in resolving and figuring things out! Take care!
Thanks and yes, my sister reacted in a good way. Probably explained her a few things as well… but it must be weird, after almost half a century being told you’ve got half a brother and half a sister
I honestly think the easiest way do describe pan sexuality is as gender fluid
I get it it’s the generic PC term, but to be put in the position to have to try to explain your choice in partner already sounds stressful enough let alone have to get into deep discussion about it
Sexuality and gender identity are two different things. Not even necessarily related.
A combination of pansexuality and being non-binary makes sense (imo), but it definately isnót the same.
Sexuality is about who or what I feel attrackted to. Gender is about who or what I feel myself.
I came out when I was 13. I struggled with my sexuality for a long time but I was always welcome to be myself within my family at school and in my life. I am lucky to have had many positive experiences. Of course I have plenty of gag stories about the opposite end of that but overall I’ve always had that freedom. And I am glad you found yours Truly
I grew up in a shit house tbh. There was too much other stuff going on to care about the fact that I was gay, I suppose. My drug and alcohol abuse started around… 15. I started trying to get sober around 28.
And I’ve relapsed a few times before but right now I’m crushing it
The LGBTQIA community of Colorado Springs could use all the love and support this morning… We had a shooting at the only lgbtqia space in the springs
5 killed… 18 hospitalized… This is my city… my community… I am completely heartbroken, disgusted and terrified…
i love the idea of it as a burlesque name btw.
you have no idea how much that means to me
Truly
