Welcome to the forum. My experience definitely has similarities. I am not a binge drinker (although technically by medical definition I am), but a daily drinker. I was in academia for a bit and was probably the most stressed I have ever been. I ended up in hospital with health issues triggered by stress. I am still sad about the PhD I had to stop, but it was the right decision ultimately. I am not saying you need to stop the PhD but just wanted to say I know how much pressure there is and that need to release it through alcohol. It doesn’t really help though, just compounds the problem.
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Hi, thank you for the welcoming message !
the F2F thing is a little bit complicated for me because I am an expat and nearby AA clubs are not English speaking …
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Hi Jenny,
It’s nice (in some sense) to see that it happened before…This kind of situation can make one feel alienated.
Were you drinking to cope with stress during your time in academia ? I don’t want to quit my PhD but somehow a part of me is also thinking seriously about it. The question being “how much is too much?”
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I definitely was drinking to cope with things before but it totally escalated during that time. I was just processing it and then covid hit, and everyone seemed to drink every day during that time!
I certainly don’t want to tell you to give up the PhD. Everyone who does one seems to hit a wall at some point. My Mum and Sister certainly did but now they have it and are pleased, although both seemed to avoid books in their discipline for a while after. I do think PhDs genuinely seem to traumatise people doing it. And of course the academic world (while being amazing and wonderful) is also fairly brutal and uncertain. I needed stability and now have that, but I do miss the wonder of it all.
I feel bad for not having all the answers but I am here to listen.
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I’m the same with binge drinking. Have periods of abstinence. Back to thinking I can drink in moderation, then one night, bang, everything out of the window. Your binges won’t solve any problems, only makes them worse. And the hangovers get worse and worse. Your life away from drinking sounds nothing like hell. Welcome 
You’re right. Congrats on 31 days. As I remember it, it is bliss ! Somehow the hardest is to keep the priorities in the right order: Stay sober = #1, the rest comes afterwards. Keep it up !
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In the long run drinking doesn’t relieve stress. Or not longer than for the night. The next morning the stress will still be there, only stronger. And added to the new stress of the new day. Which will take more drinking to suppress. Etcetera.
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Hello and welcome to this forum. Glad you found us. Have a look around and read through the posts. You will find similarities with others. My story is different to yours, but I guess the struggle is the same in the end.
I wish you all the best in your recovery and I do hope to see you around.
Covid was a blow for sure. Somehow socializing again afterward was no less of a disaster for me …
Thanks for listening and no need to feel bad for not having answers.
I have tons of questions about your journeys and could share my experiences too !
How long did it take to feel good again after quitting ? Did the university put a lot of pressure on you?
My supervisor did a really poor job dealing with me being depressed. He treated it as if he was going to squeeze me and all of a sudden I would spit nice results and forget about my heartbreak. Definitely a different personality from mine.
Since then I have lost trust in him and am now working with another. Nevertheless I feel a lot of anger and I am quite unsure if my anger is still valid or if I keep it here as an excuse to get back into my fantasy world every three days. Losing trust and operating under heavy pressure also made me (“made me” could be replaced by something else that would not deny my accountability for my reactions) become quite paranoid. I have spent quite some time suspecting my colleagues of gossiping about me. Which is probably the case but I work on letting it go somehow.
How was your experience ?
Welcome! What helps me in life, not only in sobriety, is HALT. To avoid bingeing check it out and be honest with the underlying issues. It’s not stress alone.
I agree that a life away from drinking sounds nothing like hell. If only my dumb ass could remember that in a few days. It feels like a tape that lasts 3 days and gets rewind every time.
I have to read that but I must admit that hungry, angry lonely and tired sounds a lot like the last thing I remember of those nights. Thank you !
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That’s why we have to work on it and change our habits, attitutes and situations. The addicted brain loves repetition of DOC intake because it is no longer used to produce a normal buffet of neurotransmitters and hormons as the DOC always messes around with it. We have to detox our bodies and must retrain our brains.
I think the three or for day mark is a big wall for many. You start to physically feel better and then it is easier to lie about things to yourself, such as ‘it wasn’t that bad’ ‘i can control it this time’.
I also live abroad in a non-Englush speaking country, so I understand the limitations. Particularly as a woman, most AA members here are men, (in my local group ALL are men) so F2F fellowship very difficult.
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ahem, what is DOC ?
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Drug of choice
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Hi there,
It’s day 3 now. I am quite restless tonight. Went on a 3h walk after work.
It was hard to focus and be productive at work. Today I felt shame quite a lot.
I feel like I could do a better job but somehow every time I try I stumble upon huge negative self talk and paralysis.
I keep in mind that I should just focus on not allowing any trigger to interfere with my first baby steps. HALT has helped. I try not to feel guilty about doing almost nothing at work. I hope this will pass soon, but for now I think I must try and reach around a week of sobriety.
What do you think ? What are your experiences with this dilemma “either stress myself out at work and risk starting the infernal loop again, or live with the fact that I am underperforming.” ?
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I have a recovery program and multiple sober communities I participate in. I typically and regularly listen to a zoom meeting during my walks, or sobriety podcasts.
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What would you tell a friend if they’d ask you this question? It is overwhelming for sure. But in order to get better we have to focus on the priorities. And this is being sober for today. Only being sober we can tackle the rest. You won’t be more productive under influence in the long term. It might feel this way but it’s not the case.
Congratulations on your 3 days. 
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