I was told by my psychiatrist that there is a difference between being sober and living sober. I guess being sober is more than just not drinking. It is how we respond to triggers in life, living sober, versus being sober is different. I am just not drinking, but I still have poor coping habits and response mechanisms to triggers in life. I need to learn how to live in sobriety. This is so hard.
Her statement reminds me of something someone told me years ago in AA. I used to hear the term ādry drunkā thrown around the rooms at times. Basically saying that a person can be sober but be a dry drunk. As in, miserable, not working a program, just surviving without alcohol. The only difference in their life is that they arent drinking.
I often think that the quality of recovery is much more important than the quantity. Theres just a big difference btwn actually living a clean and sober life and just not drinking and using drugs while every other aspect of that persons life remains the same
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I have a close friend who is like this. She has been going to AA for 4+ years, and she is sober. But, she is still consumed by anxiety and depression. She isnāt actively working to find peace or happiness, and her personal life is constantly a train wreckā¦she just isnāt drinking alcohol. She may be sober, but she is barely meeting the definition of ālivingā.
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I think of sobriety, mental health and morality as three different thingsā¦
Sobriety is no longer using drugs or alcohol.
Mental health is a whole different genre. People self medicate through addiction and once sober must confront their mental health and feelings as they become REAL. This might be what your psychiatrist is talking about.
Morality is about a personās character. A lot of shady people use mental health and addiction as scapegoats for all of their personal sins. Its a pure lack of personal accountability.
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I believe this to be true. The former only requires one change and the latter requires everything to change.
Being a part of this group is a gateway to sober living!
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Being sober, Is my hope this time around. I was living sober before covid. Then covid began that was my excuse to pick up again. I convinced myself that the world was a mess, why stay sober (dry) so there I was; drinking a 24 pack of beer in two days. Waking up at 2-3 in the morning drinking the beeron my nite table and waking up at 8 am drinking 2 beers and falling asleep till it was time for work.Today I have 15 days, I feel good, my routine has changed,I feel smart, and its HIS WILL NOT MINE.I read my books, and I am living one day at a time! I first entered AA in the 80ās always being sober; I know my way does not work. Iāve had years of being sober and years of drinking. Meetings after covid are now on line, I have yet to zoom one. Iām in my 60ās and this yoyo has end. Nite and may peace be with yāll!
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for me having a AA Program in my life made my life living sober alot easier than just stop drinking and trying to function in this big world , also there are loads of people out there who dont have a problem but still life sober ?
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I think recovery looks different for everyone. Some people have a lot of stuff to get thru before they can begin building a life. Cause I think thatās what itās about - Finding a life that you want to live.
Maybe it takes years of confusion, bad coping skills ect to get there, but hopefully they do.
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Hi-
This really scares me. I donāt want to be like this. Iām having a hard time. Being a dry drunk is terrifying. Iām very sad about this reality. Where do I start living?
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This topic really scares me @Butterflymoonwoman and you are one of the strongest people I know. Where do I start? Therapy is getting me nowhere, but Iāll keep going. Iām sick of being sick if you know what I mean? Iām afraid Iām a ādry drunk!ā Very scaryā¦
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For me becoming sober was the prime condition, the sine qua non, without which living (just plain living) wouldnāt be possible. Active addiction isnāt living. Being sober gave me the possibility to work on myself. Through therapy yes. Lots of it too and Iām not done after two years, probably not by a long shot even.
But itās not just that. We need to live the life thatās right for us, the life that we never lived when we were in active addiction, because when in active addiction all we did was use and survive. Use to survive, survive to use. Now weāre sober we need to rebuild (or just build) a new life, a real life, a life we can be happy with, a self image we can be happy with, activities that fulfill us, it encompasses everything.
Everything. Damned scary stuff. because we could lose all we had, maybe we even have to lose all we had, because all the old stuff wasnāt fulfilling us, didnāt make us happy, didnāt give us real purpose. Itās huge. Itās our lives that are on the line.
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This is very heavy stuff and scary. I have too much fear in my life. Very concerning. You share quite a bit of wisdom and knowledge, thank you.
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For me, itās impossible.
Iām only a few years older than you. And Iāve now come to the conclusion that no amount of therapy, no amount of meetings, no amount of reading, no amount of postings, no amount of phone calls to buddies, no amount of boundaries, no amount of self-talk, no amount of anything ā¦
Is going to train my subconscious addictive perverted self to stop persuing my DOC
From reading some of your previous posts, I know that youāre a believer in Jesus Christ. I am too. And Iām sure you have like myself heard of other Christians experiencing freedom and victory. Living a new life of joy making everything look easy.
And for decades, Iāve asked God,
āWhereās my healing? Whereās my victory? Whereās my freedom?ā
I accept that I am saved by the Lord Jesus Christ. But Iāve recently learned that there is a difference between saving faith and changing faith.
And until I make God my master, my true master. Until I acknowledge Him in all of my ways. Until I completely stop trying to play God and run my own life, and turn all of my life and all of my will over to Him, every minute, every second of my day, thenā¦
God isnāt really my Lord. Heās just someone I come to when I want something. Or someone I just check in with once in awhile. But for the most part, Iām guilty of spending most of my day persuing what I want. Chasing after my own right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
That is not the kind of relationship that Jesus wants me to have.
And thus, Iām an example of a double-minded believer. One that has one foot in the spirit and the other foot in the world. Thatās not faith, but doubt. And the Bible says that Iām like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind; unstable in all of my ways. And that Iām not to expect anything from God. No deliverance, no healing, no freedom, no victory, nothingā¦
And thatās what Iāve ended up with. After all of my sacrifices. Going to church, going to meetings, seeing counselors, reading books, joining forums, setting boundaries, trying to stay sober. Hoping that these sacrifices would be counted as obedience. But no, Iām still left with a bunch of nothinā.
So I recognize that in order to receive Godās promises, I need to make Him my master, not just my savior. When does a bondservant take a break from serving the master? When does a sheep stray away from the shepherd? When does a branch break away from the vine without withering? Never.
Turning my life over to God. Step 3. Itās a step that Iāve witnessed many sidestep. Many people that are sober, even sponsors. I thought I could be like those people, and quit my DOC without making such a change in my life. I was wrong.
Jesus is a good master. He has a great plan for me. But in order to embrace His plan, I have to let go of my plan. And if I donāt make Him my master, then I go back to my old master. Which is sin and the devil; which are cruel, horrible, merciless masters.
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I think you give yourself permission to sit with being sad, and to acknowlege being afraid, and then you get up and make a choice to do something you donāt āfeel likeā doing every day. Have coffee with a friend, play with a pet, go for a walk or a bike ride, visit a museumā¦IDK- whatever sounds novel that day.
I also suggest journaling in some mannerā¦but for every crappy thing or feeling you acknowlege, make a point to find two positives to counter it.
We are all wired a little different, but most of us have lives that are a mixed bag, and sometimes you must make a choice to dwell with the positives. Change the things you can and accept the things you cannot (hopefully with a little grace and humor).
Sending lots of love your way. 
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Thank you @KevinesKay for your wise counsel, reading this hit me hard. Hit me right on the gut. Boom! I understand, but it is scary to face.
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Thank you Brother - Iām having a hard time.
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I can only speak from personal experience but I find living with sobriety a whole lot easier when I stopped taking life so personally. While in active addiction the world and everything in it was against me and I deserved to drink and take drugs, anybody would do the same in my shoes, then when trying not to pick up in the early days and sometimes even now it was all about what I want, me me me.
Then I made a conscious effort to not take life so personal, so what if I want a drink today its just a thought, so what if someone pisses me off theyāre aloud their opinion and I donāt have to get upset about it, so what if Iām having a bad day or good day and my mates are all using or whatever.
I woke up today and everything is going to happen just as it should and Iām not going to use one thing as my excuse to pick up today, there are no justified resentments. There is a catch though and this one takes some work on our /your part, now we are not thinking about ourself all the time we can use that head space to help others. The how and the why of that is up to you but next time your feeling full of self why not come on here and help someone else who is struggling, why not do things you donāt want to do like bits and bobs youāve been putting off or why not start taking small steps towards the things youāve always wanted to do but couldnāt be bothered or were to scared of failure.
Never fear failure our days are full of it and itās from these we learn and learn to live sober.
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There is an AA book that has been called the field guide to sobriety. It has short chapters, written by actual AA members, about topics like dealing with anger, going to parties, hobbies, using the phone, things that can make early sobriety easier. One reason I love my home group is that we read a chapter from Living Sober each week.
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