First off let me say it is not threatening my sobriety but it is hurting my happiness which in turn may end up threatening my sobriety. Also no plans to leave him after 30 years of marriage. He’s a great dad and grandpa. Just seems to be struggling right now. He’s also my best friend.
I’m not sure how to talk to my husband about all the negative things he says. I try to understand but I just can’t.
He starts off his day pissed off at the animals 2 dogs 1 cat and 6 chickens. Usually pissed at the cat though. I’ll come feed the others just to shut him up. I usually say they are animals and we’ve trained them to get up at this time, dogs bark, have to go out to pee etc.
Then it starts that the guys at work suck. Their lazy and dont clean up after themselves. No one better have fucked with his truck. Wonder what sucky jobs the boss will give him today etc.
The guys are lazy and sometimes he does get the sucky job but that is because the boss can count on him.
After work it’s how the drivers are all out to get him, how terrible, fast, slow, they drive while the roads are icy. The cops are lazy the water dept is lazy. The boss gave someone under him the pager and he has seniority so fuck him hes not going to be on call.
I can understand that he sees it that way and most of it is true. However some of it he can work on other things he can not.
I believe that thinking everyone is out to get me is being self centered. Am I always on someone’s mind? Are they out to screw me all the time? I really doubt it and nor can I do much about others thoughts. I try to let it go and pray for them. It has been working for the 600 plus days I have been sober.
I am the happiest I have ever been and i truly believe it is because of my attitude and giving things up to my HP.
So how do I live with this once happy man? How do we communicate without arguing that the world does not revolve around him and everyone is not out to get him? Am i overstepping? How long do I let him vent?
I was this way for years, my whole drinking life of about 30 years off and on.
I want to being him to AA but it is my happy place and I’m not sure I want to share it. Not sure what that says about me.
Ps he doesn’t drink. Ever. His dad was a mean drunk. He does however take anti anxiety meds that he desperately wants to get off of.
Today I got up the courage to asked him to talk but he would rather sleep. Instead I’ve written a letter telling him how I feel, not what I think he needs to change. Haven’t had a serious talk since I quit drinking, no need to until now. Talks while drinking were really just me crying and telling him how to fix himself to make me feel better. I’m sure that’s what he is expecting. But I am different now. I do want yo understand his side.
Thanks
My husband is one of those. I’ll admit that after his nervous breakdown last summer I feel he’s less negative but now he knows everything about how to keep level. I still want to punch him in the nose but for the opposite reason.
Anyways, I think a letter is great. My husband is very reactionary so person to person discussions are usually a series of defensive responses. Emails and letters allow him to process what I say before he reacts.
Maybe he feels over - loaded. The load at this moment is too much for him and maybe you can help him. You said he gets upset in the morning because of the animals, why don’t you wake up earlier to feed the animals so that he can get some sleep? A lot of the times our mood swings come from not sleeping properly. This will make him notice you are trying to help him unload and also caring for his sleep and for him. You can’t really do much with work, so maybe help him have a better morning 
@Zoesgram1. 600 days is an accomplishment. Go YOU!
I hear you on marriage. My husband has always been a bit of a downer and serious guy. It is what it is. I hope your letter helps open a conversation with your spouse. I try to focus on my own choices for contentment. And feel as if he is a sick person and needs compassion. That helps sometimes, but not always.
I’m not an expert by any means, so this is just my opinion.
I believe optimism is an individual choice. I also think an optimistic disposition leads to hapiness. I believe that one’s optimism can rub off on those around them.
I had a boss at a company that was tanking, everything was performing poorly and we just couldn’t right the ship. He was extremely optimistic, if my analysis said project x will have half the reach as previous projects, he’d say “So there’s untapped market potential”. He always saw the silver lining to any situation. That rubbed off on me, because he said so many damn times.
Stay positive, keep looking for that silver lining. Hopefully it will rub off and he will start to have that same outlook. 
I used to be angry and frustrated. I learned to be responsible for my own happiness, because being mad at the world is tiring. Some people feel like they’ve got the weight of the world on their shoulders, and some have convinced themselves that theirs is the heaviest.
One of the ways I became responsible for my happiness was to help others. In doing so, I came to realize that everyone is carrying something, and there are those carrying more than me.
I’d like to say this was something I spontaneously concluded, but I’d be lying. My good wife asked me to join her in helping someone. She’s the type of person who buys cheap umbrellas by the case, and always has a bunch in her car. On rainy days she’ll hand them out to people at bus stops or those who just look like they need one. That simple act delivers much kindness to someone standing in the rain. One time we were at a restaurant and someone saw my wife, did a double take, and said “I know you. You gave me an umbrella. I still have it and think about you every time it rains.” That’s a pretty cool legacy.
Maybe show him ways to make the world better, and in doing so, he’ll get better?
This sounds like a man who is suffering. Suffering in a way that is easy to empathize with in recovery.
Do you speak of your own days and the wonder that you see in them? The ways in which you have suffered and then found relief?
If he is truly hurting it sounds like Al-Anon may be a place of peace that fits.
As they always say… bitchin’ about it aint gonna fix it. So good you can stay strong through most of this. May i ask is he a drinker? He sounds like my father. He was sober out of the hospital and was peaceful as can be. Now all he does is drink n bitch about evertything. The more he drinks the worse it gets. Go out and have a spa day gurllll! when he starts getting to you take a walk with some headphones and jam out or go in a seperate room and read a book. As you said your married 30yrs n settled and established. Finding ways to cope and free any negative energy he passes your way. Maybe trying a alanon meeting?
As I was reading iwas wondering whether your hubby drank but you said that he has never drank.
The reason I say this is because the way he is totally described me in all the years I drank! My wife used to really tell me off for being like it. Since I’ve stopped I’ve been different. I can still moan about other drivers , but I think that’s just because they are stupid! 
But all other things, I think I’ve realised are directly, affected by my mood. And these days I’m usually quite up on things, not so down like I used to be. I don’t know if that is affected by the way I felt about myself when I was drinking, probably.
Unfortunately I don’t know if I can offer any advice, the letter seems like a good place to start, because yes as you said in the past when my wife questioned me about it I usually got really defensive and it would end up in a argument.
I have been getting up earlier, 15 mins after him though. He likes his space in the morning and so do I. I’ve started getting all the animals food prepped before bed so that it’s easier for all of us in the morning. I’ve spoken to him about going to bed earlier and following a routine. He’s kind of set in his ways as am i but seems to be willing to try anyway. Hopefully we can work it out together. I know he is suffering but doesn’t really know or maybe doesn’t want to say what is bothering him. He was brought up that like most men, you dont cry and you dont talk about your problems. thanks
I am sorry your husband is bumming you out. I know my husband went thru a long period…I remember 2012 was particularly sucky for him…when we called him Mr. Neg, cuz he was super negative all the time. Somehow we powered thru…I was still drinking then and we fought a lot. Not our happiest year for sure.
For him, he was depressed and down on life. He needed to get his fun back. As Steve said, helping others often helps us…as does finding community and friends to talk with. Sometimes, we just have a really bad year or three.
Do write him and let him know you are worried about him. Stress and negativity take a toll on not just our minds and bodies, but also those around us. Ask him what would bring him some happiness. Does he exercise at all? Play board games? Like to travel or hike? Finding physical outlets not just job related can help produce some feel good hormones. You might also consider his meds …does he take a blood pressure med? Sometimes that makes people cranky AF.
Finally, can you ease his load in any way? Take some talk he doesn’t like off his plate? Encourage him to take a walk after dinner with you?
Please keep us posted. 
Thanks I am trying to show him compassion. He was understanding while I was a drunk, then detoxing and in early recovery when I was a crazy person trying to get my emotions sorted out. It’s hard when the shoe is on the other foot.
Thanks Dan I will continue to be positive. He goes through this stage every now and again. This is an especially long one. I’m sure he wants to scream when I push positive just as much as I want to scream when he pushes negative. He once told me not every poops flowers everyday. Sometimes its smelly and sticky. Lol we still laugh at this one.
Thanks Steve, I love the way your wife thinks. I keep giving away my gloves to people walking. Its damn cold out here. I am going to buy a bunch to keep in my car. Then we can all have warm hands.
My husband was raised to be the “man” in the family. Work hard. Never cry. Never talk about your problems. Never ask for help. Dont tell people what is bothering you. Figure everything out yourself. This must be a horrible way to live. He has gotten better over the years but not with talking about his feelings. I try to look at what is going on or going to happen. Kids graduating, moving, new job, new bill, any big change stresses him out. He would be sick for a week before the girls went back to school. Every. single. year. I asked him to try Al-alon. I doubt he’ll go. He really doesn’t believe I was “that bad” of an alcoholic. I was nicer than his dad. So therefore not a real alcoholic.
Thanks @Eke I do tell him. But now I’m wondering if he is beginning to feel insecure. He made a comment the other day about not needing him. I have become very confident. I never had that before. I do lots of things alone. Things he doesn’t enjoy. AA library bookstore we go to separate gyms ( he hates mine, hes gone to his for years). Going to find things to do together. Having a hard time in the winter. Planning on antiquing with him today.
Hi donnie, no hes not a drinker never has been but sounds just like a dry drunk. I suggested Al-anon but not really his thing. Thanks for the suggestions I do most of these things. I’m sure he’s just as frustrated with my positive shit as I am with his negative. We’ll work this out but it sure is nice to hear others perspectives. Helps me see his side.
Thanks Geoff, he does sound like a drinker. You guys have me thinking in ways I’ve never thought of before. I am wondering if that is the only way he knows how to act when stressed. First his dad taught him to be that way then at 19, along came alcoholic me. I also acted that way when I was stressed. Now I go to AA and learn new ways to cope with stress and figure that somehow he has also gained this info. Wth?? How would he know what was said at my meeting?
After 30 years we sure have a way of just sailing smoothly alone then Bang! 180 and we’re driving each other nuts.
Thanks @SassyRocks. Yeah after 30 years we’ve had our share of ups and downs. He goes through down times when he is stressed I usually can figure out what is bothering him and we work it out. Sometimes I think he doesn’t know. After talking with all of you I believe he might be insecure about me building so much confidence. I never had much while I was drinking. Trying to find things to do together in the winter. I am trying ease his work but honestly I already do most of the things as I work less hours than him. We are kind of stuck in the 50s. Lol he does the outside work cars lawn etc me the inside. In the winter however there is not much outside work for him. He plows for the city so I even get stuck shoveling.
Thank you guys. I honestly can’t believe how this day has worked out. I wrote the letter while he was in the shower. Before he even read it he apologize for being crabby. He said it felt like his head was going to explode but he wasn’t sure why. I still dont know what is bothering him but he did say he doesn’t want me to leave him. That he loves me very much. I find this crazy. After 30 years leaving doesn’t even cross my mind. maybe all this change is confusing to him and he is not sure where he fits. I will start to include him in more activities. And show him how important he is.
We went out to lunch and had a nice day antiquing. Tonight we are planning a movie at home.
I hope to drag it out of him but he has been fantastic all day. Maybe my happiness is rubbing off on him. I just need to have a little patience.
I didnt change overnight and neither will he.
We have been through much worse, we’ll figure this out too.
Again thank you. Between AA and you guys I have never felt so much support. I truly appreciate it.
The only meds he is on is anti-anxiety. We changed our eating habits and he doesn’t need them anymore.