I’m at around 45 days into sobriety this go around and I’m struggling with major loneliness. I know from experience and from what sponsors have told me regarding dating in early sobriety but sometimes it gets so hard not to fall into despair. I feel like I’ve put a hold on my life due to my relapses and even though I’m only 35, it feels like I’m losing my window to find someone to spend my life with or possibly start a family. I work nights, so my depression goes into overdrive when I’m alone at night and it’s hard not to miss that companionship. It doesn’t help that it seems like all my friends are now in relationships and focused on their significant others. I’m trying to be patient and work on myself but damn, I miss having someone right here, right now. I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to deal with this or what you guys have done to remedy these feelings early on?
I am assuming that you want to be your absolute best for the one you will marry and build a life with, yes?
Are you at your best, or are you still getting better at getting better?
Make meeting your mate a future way point on your journey, and start building to it. Get better physically, mentally, spiritually. Then one day, you will know you are better, because “the one” will make herself known to you, because you will be what she was searching for. Work to be ready for this moment.
Reading your post mate I think that you haven’t found a way to live with and enjoy your own company yet.
Ask the question why you feel you need someone?
It’s not the point to say someone " completes" me.
We should be a whole person before we are ready to meet someone or they are going to have to become some one you lean on for the bits missing in your make up.
Mind you, I was damaged goods when I met my present wife, hence the years of alcohol abuse I suppose.
Just spend some time getting to know yourself bud, you are bearly two months sober mate.
Don’t plan to run before you mastered walking.
It is a good motivating factor as I have ruined plenty of relationships due to my drinking which in turn causes me to push people away and isolate. I waited 6 months last year and even though I met some great people, I realized I needed more emotional sobriety. I guess my problem is my impatience. Knowing that I still have a ways to go before I’m even ready to date. I agree with you that if it were to happen before a year or so on its own, I wouldn’t run away from it if were the right person. I’m just hoping this feeling can diminish somewhat because being with family now during the holidays is hard. All my immediate family has settled down and even though I’m incredibly happy for them, at the end of the day, it just magnifies these feelings of loneliness and that somehow I’m broken as I can’t maintain a relationship for more than several months.
Definitely! Just sucks my soul-mate is out there banging other people while I’m working on my self. 
In all seriousness though, I know you’re right. I’m just trying to find coping mechanisms for it in the meantime. I go to plenty of meetings and meet awesome people but I find myself fantasizing about how great it would be to meet someone special during the meeting at times and it’s hard to focus.
I needed to hear that. I want to run a marathon before I can even crawl at the moment. I definitely dont want to put anyone through the hell I have in the past again. I’m working on it. Doing my steps with a sponsor and talking to him about it. I guess I just needed some wise input from the group here. This week has been trying.
We are going to get days, weeks, months like that Kevin. It’s called life.
Your doing great work, keep it up. It’s the journey we are looking at, not reaching a destination.
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for sharing, I too feel this fear of loneliness. I relate to everything you’ve said. Some really good advice and wise words have been offered by others, that I can also take heart from, so thank you again. Fear is what holds us back. Courage will move us forward, towards the life we want to live. It takes courage to be sober. We are courageous. We are facing our fears. It’s this same courage, mixed with some love and kindness, that will bring about the relationship we yearn for, when the time is right. Until then, one day at a time, with an open-heart, courage and determination 
sober life = our best life, our best selves - a person we can love and no doubt others will too.
Thank you for this response.
I think that’s the part I have to work on: being okay with being alone. A partner isn’t going to fix me or make everything better. Sometimes, it’s difficult to remember that.
It is normal, natural to be in your mid-30’s and desire companionship and procreation. However, our monkey ancestors lived in a very different world than we do today…not to mention we live much longer.
Try, and I say try purposefully, to find peace and love within yourself.
My wife is 22 years older than myself. She is my twin-flame, soul-mate, best friend, and rock. And I NEVER thought I would have ended up with a woman almost twice my age (neither did anyone else, I was “out” at the time). We have been together for 11 years, and we are bound together. Sometimes we grow together, sometimes apart…but always we are knitting ourselves together…like vines.
So find self-love, when your twin flame comes into your life you will be able to recognize right love, not just lust or infatuation.
Best of luck, friend!
(Hug)
That’s great to hear. It’s always fascinating how things seem to work out in ways we never imagined. I’m looking forward to it.
Same with me. My drinking has lost me some good women. If I didn’t drink who knows we might of spit up anyway but the drink was a major factor and now I got to deal with it. She even said you need to focus on yourself. Shes right. My drinking has got worse and I’m lucky I am still here. I can’t be around people that drink alcohol not atm. It’s been 3 weeks since we split and I haven’t touched a drop so I am taking steps. In time mate you will find the one. Just get yourself on track and the rest will follow
I’m 34, and I felt the same way about being single after I got clean. I hated it at times, actually. The loneliness ate me up, but then I realized that I was actually addicted to being attached to other people. Now I’m truly grateful that i was able to BE alone this long - I’ve found out who I am now, and I don’t think I would have been able to do that without being both sober and single for about 400 days now.
It’s hard, but I don’t regret it. If you try dating or being with someone now, you may not get to discover who you are becoming as a sober person on your own. I hope that makes sense. 
Its definitely true. My problem is knowing when I’m actually ready and not misconstruing that with the impatience loneliness provides.
Do you love yourself?
Is it sad that I dont know the answer to that question?
Guess I just answered my own question as to whether or not I’m ready for a relationship. 
I like what everyone has shared here. @anon12657779 has nailed it for me. Learning to enjoy your own company and not be dependent on someone else to make you happy.
Its a hard reality check but I had to do the same… but waited 2 yrs before seeking a relationship. Dating was exciting as I never dated… usually just met a girl at a night club or bar and hit the sack intoxicated. Learning about yourself is a key to moving forward and bot dragging your baggage into the next relationship.
It is not easy by all means but discipline is needed for us addicts… and these are the consequences of our actions I believe.