I fight my battles alone. It’s hard for me to express my inner struggles. I know they’re there, I know what the problems are, and I can recognize them in other people, but… I am so repelled at pulling back the curtain. Afraid of complaining too much. Or shackling someone to the weak fuck that is me. Don’t need anyone seeing how hopeless I am, or how devoid I am of personal discipline.
That’s why I haven’t been back to church. Why I haven’t been here much. Why every relationship I have DIES.
My parents fucked me. Society fucked me. My genetics fucked me.
Therapists have done FUCK ALL for me. Thanks for nothing.
So. Can I even address the homeless thing, or the trans thing, or whatever thing that makes my life terrible but I don’t want to come across like I’m asking for pity??
That was part of the majic of this community for me. Completely anonymous, a lot of compassionate people. It made those small steps in the beginning easier to take
You’re not alone in this feeling. I really can relate. I wish there was a way to shut that off and just feel worthy of attention, of help. I don’t think that can come entirely from an external source, though they can help some. I’m glad you are here and I’m grateful you posted.
@vagabond the fact you are here means that somehow you want to connect. I have the tendency to be a loner too and very anonymous but I discovered that alone I will be no sober too long
You sound like you are really hurting. It makes sense that you want to protect yourself from more hurt by building a wall. But you are here, which means you DO what to share, in some way. As people have said, here is anonymous, and you can share little by little.
For what it’s worth, I think you underestimate your own strength. I think you might be surprised with how understanding people can be when it comes to what youre going through. Nobody can force you to open up about your struggles and being vulnerable can be scary in many ways. Please don’t give up on yourself, I promise it is worth the effort. If you need someone to vent to or just talk, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
Entering on Friday morning. I will be there for a number of weeks, and they’re confiscating my phone for the first week. Sounds like low security prison school, since most my days will be spent in AA type classes with limited freedom to wander.
As for my spiritual journey: the Shambhala center is great, and I am pleased with my experience. It was what I needed. Connecting with other human beings through meditation. I plan to visit from time to time.
However… I abandoned many relationships at the Catholic church. Feeling that I betrayed their trust… was hurting me. I have returned, and begun mending bridges. The ones that meant the most.
I do too! I always have. It came from a place of necessity and then became my normal.
Again, this is me! I have said exactly this (as have many others here) more than a few times on here and otherwise. Try not to be too hard on yourself, and listen to what others have to say who have been where you are. It gets easier over time.
Well, you’re not hopeless. I understand you may be feeling that way, but it’s just not true. There is hope for you and everyone else who is trying and fighting their demons. We’re here to cheer you on. We’re in your corner. And you can do this!
Another thing I can relate to. And all I can say is I am sorry you had to deal with so much! You did not deserve anything but the best.
I was also homeless, lost, searching for an identity, not knowing who I was or who I should appear to be, fully broken, and a mess. And I was in fact told not to be such a “downer”. That was half a lifetime ago, and it still hurts, so no, I don’t think talking about your pain, hurts, or anything else is asking for pity. If what you say is your truth who are any of us to tell you you’re wrong?
Anyway, I am glad you’re here and happy that you’ve decided to join a detox program to help you on your journey. Please reach out when you need to/when you can. You are important and cared for!
I can relate to feeling/being alone. Sober almost 3 days - alcohol - and have damaged a lot of relationships with my behavior while drinking over the last 4 months. Detox and rehab sound good to me. I don’t have that option right now and am going it alone. Thankfully there are no withdrawal other than insomnia but that’s semi-normal for me. I wish you well at rehab and will follow your posts.
I was just thinking about you yesterday. Really pleased to see your update. Wishing you all the best in the coming weeks. Come back when you are able to update us.
Hi great news to hear you’ve been accepted to a treatment centre. Thanks for dropping in to tell us the news. I hope you will come and see us again once you get your phone back, I’ll be thinking of you and hoping all is going well
I like this list a lot! It resonates with me and the work I’m trying to do on myself at the moment.
This too!!! I’m finding if I try to just accept the now, to take life as it comes, without judging a situation, event or someone’s actions against what I think it/they should have been, it is having a positive impact on my wellbeing.
great news to hear you’ve been accepted to a treatment centre. Thanks for dropping in to tell us the news. I hope you will come and see us again once you get your phone back, I’ll be thinking of you and hoping all is going well 