Loner nature

I fight my battles alone. It’s hard for me to express my inner struggles. I know they’re there, I know what the problems are, and I can recognize them in other people, but… I am so repelled at pulling back the curtain. Afraid of complaining too much. Or shackling someone to the weak fuck that is me. Don’t need anyone seeing how hopeless I am, or how devoid I am of personal discipline.

That’s why I haven’t been back to church. Why I haven’t been here much. Why every relationship I have DIES.

My parents fucked me. Society fucked me. My genetics fucked me.

Therapists have done FUCK ALL for me. Thanks for nothing.

So. Can I even address the homeless thing, or the trans thing, or whatever thing that makes my life terrible but I don’t want to come across like I’m asking for pity??

Can I do that…

Now go away

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Do you want to be sober and well? Blaming everyone else for why you aren’t is not a good start on such a road…

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What a stupid comment.

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Trust is risky. But I hear you.

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I could have written all that when I first got here.

There is so much to unpack when we get sober. Keep coming back. It took me time, but I eventually found what worled for me.

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That was part of the majic of this community for me. Completely anonymous, a lot of compassionate people. It made those small steps in the beginning easier to take

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You’re not alone in this feeling. I really can relate. I wish there was a way to shut that off and just feel worthy of attention, of help. I don’t think that can come entirely from an external source, though they can help some. I’m glad you are here and I’m grateful you posted.

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@vagabond the fact you are here means that somehow you want to connect. I have the tendency to be a loner too and very anonymous but I discovered that alone I will be no sober too long

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You sound like you are really hurting. It makes sense that you want to protect yourself from more hurt by building a wall. But you are here, which means you DO what to share, in some way. As people have said, here is anonymous, and you can share little by little.

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burps

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Vulnerability’s a bitch. We’re here when you’re ready.

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For what it’s worth, I think you underestimate your own strength. I think you might be surprised with how understanding people can be when it comes to what youre going through. Nobody can force you to open up about your struggles and being vulnerable can be scary in many ways. Please don’t give up on yourself, I promise it is worth the effort. If you need someone to vent to or just talk, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

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An alcohol detox place approved me.

Entering on Friday morning. I will be there for a number of weeks, and they’re confiscating my phone for the first week. Sounds like low security prison school, since most my days will be spent in AA type classes with limited freedom to wander.

As for my spiritual journey: the Shambhala center is great, and I am pleased with my experience. It was what I needed. Connecting with other human beings through meditation. I plan to visit from time to time.

However… I abandoned many relationships at the Catholic church. Feeling that I betrayed their trust… was hurting me. I have returned, and begun mending bridges. The ones that meant the most.

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I do too! I always have. It came from a place of necessity and then became my normal.

Again, this is me! I have said exactly this (as have many others here) more than a few times on here and otherwise. Try not to be too hard on yourself, and listen to what others have to say who have been where you are. It gets easier over time.

Well, you’re not hopeless. I understand you may be feeling that way, but it’s just not true. There is hope for you and everyone else who is trying and fighting their demons. We’re here to cheer you on. We’re in your corner. And you can do this!

Another thing I can relate to. And all I can say is I am sorry you had to deal with so much! You did not deserve anything but the best.

I was also homeless, lost, searching for an identity, not knowing who I was or who I should appear to be, fully broken, and a mess. And I was in fact told not to be such a “downer”. That was half a lifetime ago, and it still hurts, so no, I don’t think talking about your pain, hurts, or anything else is asking for pity. If what you say is your truth who are any of us to tell you you’re wrong?

Anyway, I am glad you’re here and happy that you’ve decided to join a detox program to help you on your journey. Please reach out when you need to/when you can. You are important and cared for!

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I can relate to feeling/being alone. Sober almost 3 days - alcohol - and have damaged a lot of relationships with my behavior while drinking over the last 4 months. Detox and rehab sound good to me. I don’t have that option right now and am going it alone. Thankfully there are no withdrawal other than insomnia but that’s semi-normal for me. I wish you well at rehab and will follow your posts.

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Congratulations on your days! Come here as often as you want/ need
Cheering for you :tada::people_hugging::heart:

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I was just thinking about you yesterday. Really pleased to see your update. Wishing you all the best in the coming weeks. Come back when you are able to update us.

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Random thoughts, words & clichés (& etceteras) that flitted, hither & thither, through my brain whilst reading your posts:

  1. Thinking errors

  2. Common excuses: They & The “Blame Game”

  3. Why do I continue to hold on to things that I can’t control? And how does that affect my well-being?

  4. Take. A. Risk

  5. Self-Forgiveness

  6. Victory lies in the admission of defeat

  7. “Get busy Livin’ or get busy Dyin’.”

  8. I’d rather be a resentment than have one

  9. “I can’t afford to be ‘too busy’ to recover.”

  10. Radical Acceptance - I don’t like it, it’s not fair but I can accept it. And it’s not approval.

  11. Willingness - the key to freedom

  12. “I pray for the willingness to change my old ways and to defeat my fears.”

  13. Attitude is always a choice.

  14. “A person playing a role will eventually forget their lines; pay attention, the act can’t go on forever.”

  15. The 4 Fs of Life:

  • Find your purpose
  • Forgive your past
  • Focus on your future
  • Fuel your future
  1. “Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed; it means the damage no longer controls your life.”

  2. Watch what you are doing now. Your future depends on your daily routine.

  3. “Angry people want you to see how powerful they are. Loving people want you to see how powerful you are.”

  4. Things outside of my control:

  • Other people’s actions
  • Other people’s feelings
  • Other people’s opinions
  • Other people’s mistakes

Things I can control:

  • My effort
  • My attitude
  • My behavior
  • My actions
  1. “If I continue to think what I’ve always thought, I’ll continue to get what I’ve always got.”

  2. Most of us fear change. That leads to stagnation and, possibly, death. We should fear not changing.

  3. 4 Problem-Solving options:

  • Solve - change, avoid or leave the situation
  • Feel Better - change your emotions in reaction to the situation/problem
  • Tolerate - Radical Acceptance to ease some of the suffering
  • Stay Miserable - Do nothing! Use no skills! Wallow! Possibly make things worse!
  1. Don’t place expectations on people/situations because expectations are a pre-meditated resentment

  2. “I will let go of my masks and allow my self-esteem to grow.”

So, in closing, thank you for your posts. I’m grateful for you. Best of luck.

:v:t2::heart::metal:t2:

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Hi :wave: great news to hear you’ve been accepted to a treatment centre. Thanks for dropping in to tell us the news. I hope you will come and see us again once you get your phone back, I’ll be thinking of you and hoping all is going well :heart:

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I like this list a lot! It resonates with me and the work I’m trying to do on myself at the moment.

This too!!! I’m finding if I try to just accept the now, to take life as it comes, without judging a situation, event or someone’s actions against what I think it/they should have been, it is having a positive impact on my wellbeing.
:heart::v:

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