In a way this addresses the core problem of porn and/or solo masturbation in marriage, for me at least. We live(d) in two places: one place which is the “me with my wife” and one place which is “me alone”. You can’t really sustain two healthy sexual intimacies. The vibrancy and depth of intimacy is in diving fully into it with your spouse. That includes a sense of risk and exploration and exposure (based on mutual acceptance and enjoyment of course) that feels risky at times. It feels scary to change our script. But it can have profound positive effects on our intimacy.
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THIS! Yes mate. Scary to even consider being thay vulnerable but I can definitely be that vulnerable with her…a lot of truth in there. I need to have the chat with my wife for sure. Thanks again Matt
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No problem. Keep an open mind and remember: this is the two of you exploring life, one day at a time. It’s your life and your relationship, and it’s as deep and rich, vulnerable and mutually supportive as you make it. Enjoy the process 
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Thanks for helping me out with the project.
I’m grateful for Your input 
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@Best_Me Alex, You mentioned earlier, that You’re interested in tools helpful in recovery from addiction.
I think helpful tool in that purpose is to do the inner child work.
Such work enables person to heal his emotional self, which is a major role in resolving addiction problem.
Check out this book, that I recommend on the subject of inner child work:
In this book You have exercises and meditations, which can help to heal Your inner child, resulting in getting back in healthy contact with Your emotional self 
I wish You all the best brother
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I understand how this feels. Even though I know my behavior has been destructive, and I know the harm that it causes, I still find myself compelled to seek after it. That’s how it’s forced me to seek after more answers, and to look deeper inside myself to find out what’s really going on.
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Thank you Chris I will definitely add this to my list!! I recently watched Rocketman, the film on Elton John and they touch on this idea of healing the inner child. I think this is correct for most people, and particularly rings true for me. Thank you mate I will get around to this and come back to you. It may be a while as my reading list is horrendously long and time to read seems to be getting shorter! I guess this should take priority though so it does jump the queue!!
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You’re welcome brother
I’ll love Your thoughts on the inner child work subjectively experienced by You.
I’m currently reading this book, so I’ll make notes on my experiences regarding working through exercises, etc. and let You know them 
I’ll look up for this movie You mentioned, I wanted to watch this movie
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I got to 4 days… relapsed yesterday. But I’m not really here to say that. I’m here to say that after this realisation about porn, masterbation and sexual relationships in general…I really find myself observing myself loads. I’m noticing loads of aspects of my nature in day to day life, how it affects me and my wife and other human beings. I’m linking it to things from my childhood, or at least speculating on them. Things I’d never given a second thought to before. Things that I think are so obviously linked to relationships with my mum and dad, and my observations about their treatment of each other. Stuff I kinda knew but didn’t truly link to my mindset or behaviours…
The need to be found desirable by absolutely every single woman, and even homosexual men (I consider myself heterosexual)
Looking at myself in nearly every single reflective surface.
Feeling vulnerable all the time in every social situation even though i often appear confident.
Lusting after/staring at every woman I find remotely good looking and judging the ones I don’t. I hate this so much, the latter most of all. I find it disgusting that I do this but I do.
I realised that I talk the talk intellectually about equality, buddhism, feminism, justice, nonjudgement etc…I agree with it all and even promote it to others when I see it needs addressing but I’m so far off it in my own head, in private. It’s embarrassing but I feel safe to share this here. On the positive note, noticing it constantly in myself in all these new situations is definitely having a positive affect. I cannot wait to read this book recommended by Chris about nurturing and championing you inner child. I’m still on the waiting list for therapy so this group and the activities in that book I hope can have some real life benefits for me to be better for me and my family and a better member of society.
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Try not to judge your feelings and thoughts - you don’t act on them. They are in your mind for a reason and with therapy and mindfulness you’re about to track the reason down and change your approach eventually. Just give it some time. If you judge yourself it means you don’t love yourself, so you will crave for love of others, seek approval and punish yourself for this whole cycle even more. Dig deep and accept what you find there, because change is possible only after acceptance.
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Just here to applaud you for being so damn honest with yourself and in front of people here. That’s so courageous and a big deal. You’re doing your wife and all the people in your life such a tremendous service by looking at these mental patterns and getting real with yourself. Power to you, Alex!
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A good read and could well be. A lot of it resonates for sure… just read it again and I would say that the things that don’t resonate are things that I used to be/do for sure so yeah I’d go with that. Positive that I’ve addressed some of it, and good to identify the other. Maybe I’ll add that book to my list aswell. Do you mean Dr Glover instead of Dr Gordon?
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Yes, I did. I’ll fix that now. Thanks for pointing that out.
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This a primary trait of my NGS. It’s a desperate void inside me that constantly seeks to get validation from everyone, but particularly sexual validation from women. It’s the core of my sex/porn addiction.
I’ve addressed a lot of these NGS traits already during this journey of mine. But the traits that still linger, still have a major impact on my life and my recovery. It’s important to me that I address all the aspects of my NGS.
I know everyone is different. So the root of my pain is probably different from yours. You may not even have NGS. But I see the brokenness, and I see how this brokenness, this root, compels you to seek to fill the void with porn and checking out every woman in sight.
Seek to uncover the root, and I think you’ll find the answer to your sickness
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Thanks brother. I’m pretty sure I know what the root is…it will be stuff with my parents and childhood mixed in with a lot of society perpetuating the sexualisation.
I guess it’s one thing to know it, and quite another to work it constantly… every day noticing in the hope that we can be better the next day
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That’s really kind. Thank you. I guess it’s a necessity for me to be brutally honest at this stage…these are things I’ve had in my mind for a while but never really confronted. They pop into my consciousness but then just as quickly disappear. Coming across these new ideas and ditching alcohol has given me this beauty of truth that has almost hit me like a bus!! …it really is wonderful to be able to get it out of my head and into a space where I feel safe to do so. Truly liberating and hopefully helpful for my growth (and others to bounce the ideas back with)
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I think honesty is important at any stage, because it allows You to clearly acknowledge and accept how things really are.
I don’t think it’s possible to work on something, until things are acknowledged and accepted.
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I disagree, You can reach far without them. I’m a prime example.
Though, what’s important is to have clear, precise goals in place, so knowing what to do in free time is there.
Most important aspect is taking action though, because even with the best planned and the most precise goals, without taking actual action, they would be all for nothing.
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@Namehere needed 10 characters so I thought I’d explain that I needed 10 characters rather than waffle on about needing 10 characters…you get it