I’m only day 6 (hopefully 7 today) into my sobriety from alcohol so I’m not biting off more than i can chew at the moment…
But something I am definitely curious about, and have an instinct that I should stop is porn and/or self pleasure. I feel like if I could use my sexual energy either for actual sex (pregnant wife meaning my sex life has changed a lot in the last 8 months and will remain the same for the next 3-4 I’m guessing)…
Or channel that sexual energy somehow. Any advice, signposts for more reading or YouTube videos would be greatly appreciated. Just researching at this stage with a mind to hopefully implement later…
That’s probably a good idea. Porn - like drugs - is a distortion of how we feel, naturally; it’s a distortion of our self-awareness and balance.
Human sexual activity can be a valuable opportunity to connect: for many people in partnered relationships, it is a physical expression of their bond.
This time in your life is a valuable opportunity to learn about surrender (an important part of recovery). You are surrendering to circumstances outside your control; you are accepting something - a sexual pause, of indeterminate length - which is unfamiliar to you (our culture sexualizes both women and men in imbalanced ways; the idea of celibate periods is so unfamiliar it seems impossible), but actually not harmful at all (men are in fact just fine with a meditative sexual pause - though I do say “meditative” because you do have to be conscious about it).
In general, for men, the idea of surrender is hard to understand. (Women - females - biologically, physiologically, are much more familiar with surrendering to things beyond their control.) Take this as a valuable learning opportunity: you’re learning to say No to yourself.
I find “No, instead…” is helpful. “No, instead, I’ll clean the basement.” “No, instead, I’ll do some gardening.” Workout, biking, etc etc.
Also, watch your diet of images. I am conscious about my media intake online and on TV/movies, and if it’s making me feel uncomfortable (overstimulated with images that are arousing to me), I give myself permission to leave. You have to be careful with what you take into your mind (just like with drugs, you’re careful about what you take into your body).
Take care and never give up. You’re a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self - and you deserve to be a father who is fully present for his kids.
Also - forgot to mention above - try to explore a wider definition of sex with your wife. Penetrative sex is only one of many types of pleasurable touch and connection. In my relationship I have given myself permission to do partnered sexual activity and touching that is enjoyed by both of us. That’s the definition. Anything in that is ok.
This sometimes requires communication and asking for what you’d like, and also, listening and asking what she’d like.
Maybe get an audiobook on the topic and listen to it with your wife? That would be fun!
Be patient, take your time, be gentle with yourself and her This is you guys becoming new parents. It’s a time pregnant with potential - but there’s a learning curve
Wow!! That’s some powerful stuff there Matt. Thank you so much. I will take some time to reread and digest this and then can I come back with some questions…?
Right off the bat, a lot of what you’ve said there rings true as I’m sort of gliding over to a lot of it naturally I think but without a framework of understanding. For example I’ve definitely been pleasuring myself less…much much less. I feel like porn is cheating on my wife and makes me less of the person I feel I should be. Self pleasure is the next step although I’m not sure I could even do it, or want to without porn.
Leaving when aroused sounds like a tall order. To be self aware is absolutely fine, I’m really making strides with that but I’d need to add it to a long list of things I need to excuse myself from!!! But then I suppose if I already do it, just adding another thing is the same road. In for a penny in for a pound.
Ahhhh something I just remembered from my philosophy readings (and I think some sobriety reading) is that actual freedom comes from self discipline. Fake freedom is giving in to those things we are slaves to- hence the surrender!!!
Always had massive problems with surrender as a concept. Control freak i suppose. But just tweaking the lens a little bit and study really helps make it a useful idea
Once I cut porn out of my life completely, the solo masturbation stopped, completely. And the partnered intimacy improved. I promise you, porn contributes nothing to your quality of life. It does take effort and sustained attention - conscious, meditative work - but it is possible to cut porn our completely, and keep it out.
One of the things I realized was happening: porn, for me, was a way of avoiding engaging with myself and my emotions. It was a way of me neglecting myself and not attending to my emotional needs. I realized that the porn had nothing to do with sexual desire or urges. The porn is just a shiny, stimulating distraction from emotional work I’ve been neglecting since I was a teenager (and probably before that too, though I was just a child then).
I believe the big lie of porn - and of manhood in our culture - is that it’s about sexual hunger, sexual desire. It’s not.
What manhood is about, is an evolving concept today. One of the scary (emotional!) things about being a man today is we’re walking new ground. We’re participating, collaboratively, as respectful equals, in creating a world where all genders have a seat at the table. That is frightening when for millennia it’s been only men at the table.
There’s a lot to reflect on and unpack here, in terms of social and emotional identity. The porn is just a distraction. Toss it aside and dive into the real you, the constantly-evolving and growing, uncertain-but-learning, communicative you. He’s an interesting man, and a person who grows into the future, with confidence that nature is behind him in being a good man and a good father.
Hi. Well yeah i started on porn as early as I can remember. 11/12 with the book the joy of sex, then moved onto Internet porn and its just been there ever since. Never really gave it much thought until recently.
Very confident child but could not speak to girls…atall… Still can’t really. Definitely had some problems in relationships and a weird view of women and I kind of know its down to some twisted societal porn and stereotypical models among other childhood stuff probably…I guess the feeling im going through with abstunance from alcohol really has opened a lot up. I’m feeling a lot of stuff and feel i have to address it.
Anyway, sometimes it would be daily, then as I’ve matured and started to wake up a bit, it seems less appealing and now sometimes I’ll do it for example when I haven’t…done anything for a while, I’m trying to get to sleep and a sexual thought comes into my head. I then find it incredibly hard not to follow through. Or if I’m out and about I catch the eye of a pretty lady and the thought just seems to lodge itself there and is dormant for a time until I remember.
Thank you for that. The video was really interesting. I don’t think its an addictive thing although very occasionally as I said if I get the idea in my head I find it difficult not to follow through…nearly always when trying to get to sleep (is that weird?)
For me I just think it’s a weird, unnatural and unhelpful aspect of my life. I also think it’s disrespectful to my wife and I would like to channel my sexual desires into exploring the world of sex with her like Matt suggested. Thanks for all the advice
Thanks again matt. I can definitely see a lot of truth in what you’ve said there. I would love to explore my sexuality (and of course my wife’s) in a more helpful and wholesome way instead of watching porn. I don’t think it’s an addiction but something I definitely don’t agree with and that’s not inkeeping with who I want to be. Also I think it’s standing in the way of addressing some deep rooted stuff from childhood/teenage years. I think I could become more balanced if I remove it and address it. So thank you again for the great words.
One question I have and it may not be relevant to porn per se but what about lusting after women I see day to day. You mention about managing my media intake…how can we apply this to women i will always see? Obviously it’s evolutionary and I don’t feel I stand a chance without some kind of mind set shift or methodology I can use to actively put those experiences in the places they need to be in my psyche
That is common. Both the alcohol and the porn are avoidance and escape. The question of what you’re feeling, and riding that feeling & learning from it - there is a lot to learn from feelings if you ride them; and in fact they serve a valuable function we’ve been numbing in porn and alcohol! - that question is the valuable one here.
The useful thing about resource groups is there are others there who are in the same shoes & they can help you walk your path; they’ve been there:
Yes - but the difference between you and a dog is you are the species that built Stonehenge, the Pyramids, and the sacred earthen mounds (not to mention more modern monuments and activities like merry-go-rounds and carousels). Humans aspire: something within our species pulls us to explore realms beyond the physical and reproductive.
Humans’ evolutionary path differs in very significant ways from our more impulse- and instinct-governed fellow planet-dwellers.
(And there’s a whole other discussion as to what intimacy is - our culture tends to reduce it to the sexual; while physical sexuality is one form of intimacy, it is a small part of a much deeper and more metaphysical state.)
You raise a significant item for reflection: we grow. We evolve, individually and as a species (and within that species, along infinite paths). The question therefore becomes: what is your growth? What is your branch reaching out, striving for the sunlight? And what kind of tree are you?
Yes! This! I feel this is a lot of what is driving me. Base instincts are not a good thing to be slaves to. Thanks Matt. I think I will reread a lot of what is here over the next few days so I can digest it properly
This video is exactly what I was looking for and more. Really hit home with a lot of stuff. I’m at work atm but will rewatch and reread the messages here so I can take notes for my journaling. Thanks again Kev this is fantastic! Feels like I’ll need to implement this immediately… already at work driving around I’ve managed to control myself not looking at beautiful (or all!!) Women as I tend to
This is you guys becoming new parents. It’s a time pregnant with potential - but there’s a learning curve 
idea
