I just read a book that completely has shattered my world and my paradigm. In a good sense. It explains why I’m a chronic relapser.
Why my relationships with women have suffered.
Why my sex life is poor.
Why my sex life was non-existent in my first marriage.
And why I became sexually anorexic with my second wife and my existing marriage.
And explains why the best years of my recovery was when I was celibate for 2 years while attending SLAA.
And why I seem to live an unhappy boring existence.
And why I’ve worked at a job that I detest for so long.
And it explains my relationship with religion and with God.
And it explains why I smile and laugh so much and act so goofy.
And why I make such inappropriate jokes.
And it explains why I’m such a people pleaser.
I avoid conflict.
And I never speak up for myself.
And why I’m emotionally and socially anorexic.
And why I’m unattractive to women.
And why I pursue pornography and prostitutes.
And why I white knuckled through most of my recovery for the past 30 years.
And why the 12 steps have never worked.
And why much religious teaching never worked.
I have just discovered that my disease, the root of my addiction, is what’s called nice guy syndrome.
The book, No More Mr Nice guy, was written by Dr Robert Glover. And although I’ve read many books about sexual addiction. Books by Mark Lasser and Patrick Carnes and all the 12-step literature from AA, SLAA, SA, SAA, Celebrate Recovery, Reformers Unanimous. All of them fall short when compared to Robert Glover’s book. In fact, Nice Guy syndrome is such a prevalent part of my sickness, that I’m shocked that this syndrome has not been discussed a whole lot in the sexual addiction community.
Dr Glover summarizes nice guy syndrome with having the following traits.
Nice guys are givers.
Nice guys fix and caretake.
Nice guys seek approval from others.
Nice guys avoid conflict.
Nice guys believed that they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
Nice guys seek the “right” way to do things.
Nice guys repress their feelings.
Nice guys often try to be different than their fathers.
Nice guys are often more comfortable relating to women than men.
Nice guys have difficulty making their needs a priority.
Nice guys often make their partner their emotional center.
Nice guys are dishonest.
Nice guys are secretive.
Nice guys are compartmentalized.
Nice guys are manipulative.
Nice guys are controlling.
Nice guys give to get.
Nice guys are passive aggressive.
Nice guys are full of rage.
Nice guys are addictive ( usually sexually addictive).
Nice guys have difficulty setting boundaries.
Nice guys are frequently isolated.
Nice guys are often attracted to people or situations that need fixing.
Nice guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships.
Nice guys have issues with sexuality.
Nice guys are usually only relatively successful.
I’m telling you the truth. I am the poster boy of nice guy syndrome. I have every single one of these traits except for one. Nice guy syndrome is extremely common. Lots of men in this world suffer the same way that I do. But that wasn’t always the case. Nice guy syndrome has really only been around for the last 40 to 50 years.
I will be talking about this a lot. Because there’s enough in here for me to work on for the rest of my life. But one thing is for certain. If I don’t address this nice guy syndrome inside myself, it will continue to permeate throughout my whole entire being which will result in my chronic relapsing and white knuckling.
I expect this process to be messy. I might even re-repeat things that I’ve mentioned before, over and over again. This is going to take me to a different direction than what I’ve been currently doing. And it’s going to challenge some old ideas that I’ve held on to. It might even challenge some ideas on people reading this. And I encourage those people to disagree with me. I don’t expect this to turn out perfect. But it’s time that I stop being so weak, such a pushover, not having any sense of self, always going along with everyone else’s opinion and not having one of my own. I’m like a chameleon. It’s like I’m a double agent except that the only allegiance that I have is to the toxic shame within myself.