This is hard to write. I relapsed again. I drank about two thirds what I would “normally”, made enough dinner that my husband wouldn’t have too much to do when he got home and just passed out. Because I’m not drunk texting people, breaking things, etc, I feel like it is not “that bad”. Of course being unconscious by whatever early time, my kids homework going unchecked is not good. But it doesn’t feel like the kick up the ass I need. I just feel unmotivated generally. Of course, had physical and mental hangovers, but just kinda accepted them. Like this is an acceptable way to live. Which in my head I know is not true, but not feeling it in my heart.
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Do you have a bucket list? If not why don’t you make one with things you can’t do when in active addiction. Like running a marathon.
Are you working on the mental part of sobriety or are you a dry drunk? If you are a dry drunk, maybe try the twelve steps
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This might not apply to you but I sometimes fall asleep after drinking too much and sometimes my husband or my children have taken photos of me asleep on the sofa. The last time this happened my daughter took a photo of me on my own phone so I’ve used this photo as my background on the sobertime app and it’s very motivational. If you have a photo of you that embarrasses you maybe you could do the same? I’m also listening to a book called “this naked mind” on audible which is also very very helpful in motivation. Sending love and hugs to you. These are tough times and you made a good choice to go to bed. I hope this might help you. X X X
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With two kids, job, etc, there are more obstacles to a bucket list than just drinking. But maybe smaller goals might be good. I was more active with sobriety videos, etc before. Now I am in the situation I know in my head but don’t feel in my heart. Maybe I will try the steps, but going to AA is difficult being in a foreign country.
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Well it is good that your drinking didn’t get out of control - but like you say still not exactly where you want to be.
When you say you’re not feeling it in your heart - what does that really mean? It’s OK not to feel enthusiastic about sobriety all the time! It’s OK to have shit days. I suppose what you need to decide, is how you want to respond to shit days.
This time might not have been out of control - but what made you want to stop drinking in the first place? For me, holding on to the negative feelings I had the day after getting drunk - the shame, regret, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt (etc) - playing my tape to the end, is what has kept me from giving in to those urges to just say fuck it. I think understanding that those urges can and will resurface at any time is helpful too.
I also found This Naked Mind helpful, I’m not sure all of her theories and the science she quotes is accurate, but it rang true enough for me in the bits that matter. That reminder that alcohol is an addictive substance and continued use inevitably leads to destructive patterns of behaviour.
If you can still find those reasons to be sober, if that’s what you want, to have the good and the bad and ups and downs of life unfiltered and all the joy and struggle that goes with it… Then you have the motivation you need. Please don’t wait until you put yourself in a situation that you may not be able to come back from 
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Yes, a photo or even a video (my husband has threatened to do this) would be a kick up the ass. I have read Naked Mind a couple of times, maybe I will revisit. I just feel like I know it, but don’t feel it.
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If that hasn’t worked for you, try something else. There is so much recovery literature out there, it’s just finding the thing that speaks to you!
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Maybe try listening on audible as sometimes hearing it instead of reading it helps more. Maybe your brain will take it in more subliminally of you’re listening than actually reading? Worth a try. X
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Some of my more serious reasons to stop, embarrassing myself, breaking things, etc, are no longer applicable. And others like the hangover I am just accepting. “Once a month is not too bad.” Maybe I need to think again about being my best self, not just not worst self.
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Certainly worth a try.
My friend suggested to me a book called “Alcohol explained” maybe that would help you better?
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I have listened in on a few meetings, but, if sobriety is not sticking, maybe have to bite the bullet and be proactive.
Have you tried the 30 day solution? That’s very good. Daily testing and tasks to do.
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The 30 day experiment? Yes, I did it and it was the start of about 3 or 4 months sobriety.
Daily reading not testing!
30 day sobriety solution by Jack Canfield
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No haven’t tried that. I will look into it. Another focused period might be good. Thanks.
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I really get this, and relate. Its hard bc even sober I don’t feel motivated sometimes, I just feel lost and don’t know where or what I want to be… My mind tells me fuck it just have some drinks and let everything go for a while,the problem with that is I won’t come back, and eventually I’ll want sobriety again and then it will be to late, I will have already ruined everything I’ve gained through sobriety that I won’t even have the motivation to stay sober. I know I’ll be feeling everything I do sober, just drunk and ten times worse if I relapse and drink. Sobriety may be hard, but beinf a drunk and being filled with guilt and shame is even harder… I hope everything works it’s way out for you
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U r right, thanks for searching for that, I don’t want to go back to them being on red alert all the time. That was awful.
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Yes, u r right. I think I thought I wouldn’t forget, or by the time I forgot sobriety would be nicely consolidated.
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