Going to give this app a real shot this time…
Where to start… I’m sure there is one, but I don’t know where that is…
I used to be the optimistic one, always trying to see the best in everything, everyone…
Now, I’m not sure I even feel. Not without a few drinks anyway. Then what? When did I become this person?
For so many years I’ve heard “alcoholic”, “do you ever not drink?”, “do you think you’re an alcoholic?”“nope”, “I love you/i like you, but not drunk you”, “you drink to much”, “you did this/you said that” etc. What did I do? What did I say? I have no clue.
I’ve lost friends, my best friend, possible relationships, I was abused, I’ve abused myself, but I was alive another day, I had another bottle, I thought/think it’s the way to survive, but maybe it’s killing me, I’m killing me.
It shuts up my thoughts, but after a few more it makes my thoughts stronger and louder, screaming. It also stops the dead scary silence, the ringing in my ears, until a few more and the screaming starts.
I don’t even know if I’m trying to save or kill myself.
I can’t find purpose anymore.
I feel like I’m always faking it now, and I’m tired, I’m exhausted.
I don’t hate often, but I do hate myself, I don’t understand the love and support I have, I don’t deserve it. I’m tired of being a burden. I’m tired…
In the past month alone I drunkenly let my emotions take over, I tried to save myself for my family and ended up in a psych ward for 10 days, a week after I got out I smashed my car into a parked car 4 times over the legal limit.
I need to numb myself, but I can’t drink anymore without losing everyone I have left and probably my job (which I’m surprised I still have at this point…). What am I meant to do? I can’t not drink.
I struggle to think, I struggle to talk, I struggle to feel.
I don’t recognize myself.
I get that I should be okay, but I’m not, and that’s scary to admit. I have not been for a long time…
I started to really drink ten years ago, I slowly started from drinking for fun and to numb, to just drinking to survive.
When did just “being” become so hard.
I believe I’ve always been a bit broken, but when did I break?
“Fake it to make it” fake it to make what?