Lost. Sorry, it's a novel

[KayBeesh]

Going to give this app a real shot this time…

Where to start… I’m sure there is one, but I don’t know where that is…
I used to be the optimistic one, always trying to see the best in everything, everyone…
Now, I’m not sure I even feel. Not without a few drinks anyway. Then what? When did I become this person?
For so many years I’ve heard “alcoholic”, “do you ever not drink?”, “do you think you’re an alcoholic?”“nope”, “I love you/i like you, but not drunk you”, “you drink to much”, “you did this/you said that” etc. What did I do? What did I say? I have no clue.
I’ve lost friends, my best friend, possible relationships, I was abused, I’ve abused myself, but I was alive another day, I had another bottle, I thought/think it’s the way to survive, but maybe it’s killing me, I’m killing me.
It shuts up my thoughts, but after a few more it makes my thoughts stronger and louder, screaming. It also stops the dead scary silence, the ringing in my ears, until a few more and the screaming starts.
I don’t even know if I’m trying to save or kill myself.
I can’t find purpose anymore.
I feel like I’m always faking it now, and I’m tired, I’m exhausted.
I don’t hate often, but I do hate myself, I don’t understand the love and support I have, I don’t deserve it. I’m tired of being a burden. I’m tired…
In the past month alone I drunkenly let my emotions take over, I tried to save myself for my family and ended up in a psych ward for 10 days, a week after I got out I smashed my car into a parked car 4 times over the legal limit.
I need to numb myself, but I can’t drink anymore without losing everyone I have left and probably my job (which I’m surprised I still have at this point…). What am I meant to do? I can’t not drink.
I struggle to think, I struggle to talk, I struggle to feel.
I don’t recognize myself.
I get that I should be okay, but I’m not, and that’s scary to admit. I have not been for a long time…
I started to really drink ten years ago, I slowly started from drinking for fun and to numb, to just drinking to survive.
When did just “being” become so hard.
I believe I’ve always been a bit broken, but when did I break?
“Fake it to make it” fake it to make what?

“I’m okay”

[Lilemm]

Hi and I just want to say that I know how you feel,using just to get by to feel okish to not have those thoughts racing thru you like a freat train,but I’m here with good news ,once you put down it starts to become easier those voices get quieter ,your sleep gets better relationship heals once you show your trying ACTIONS ALWAYS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS,.stick around and give yourself a chance​:heart:

[anon79808082]

Hi Shay; I’m glad you wrote all that down; it’s a great start. I’m sending a big hug too; I know you’re hurting and it feels like there’s no way out, but there is. You being here is a great beginning…

[Matt]

Hi Shay, good to see you and thanks for sharing. That went straight to the heart

Those are all normal feelings in early sobriety. Many of us discovered our addiction when we were young and it was a nice diversion until it wasn’t.

That’s where you are now. The tricky thing is that you don’t know who sober you is. And it scares the hell out of you (as it does so many of us). How do you deal? What do “normal” people do to make it through a day?

What do I do with this seemingly ocean-deep well of emotion I have? Holy sh*t!!!

Start by accepting the fact that you don’t know who you are, and you won’t for a while. You need to learn to be, and you need to learn it from people who’ve walked that path before. This thread has a lot to start:
Resources for Recovery

You have a lot of good learning ahead of you. Expect to feel a bit like a child learning to walk. But always remember: life sober is always better than life drunk. (Using is never helpful.) And you are capable of this. I swear you are. If you don’t believe in yourself, just take my faith instead: you are capable of doing this.

You’re a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where she can be her full self. Take it one day at a time and you’ll get there.