Love siiiiiick

Advice & Questions
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I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half. When we started dating she had 3 months or so sober (I know, I know). She ended up hitting a year, and relapsed shortly after. I didn’t find out for about 5 months. She lied to my face. We were together all the time. Everyday. We live together. I don’t even know how I didn’t see it. She was shooting heroin and smoking meth. Everyday. Multiple times a day. I didn’t have a clue. And then I caught her. Shit got crazy. I blew up. I was devastated.

She withdrawals, gets sober, goes back on subs, hits a couple meetings, sees a drug and alcohol counselor, sees a therapist. We were still casually drinking as she says she doesn’t see the problem and that’s not her problem. I have my doubts but enjoy drinking with her. We have fun. It is my way of decompression after a long work week and to cut loose. It’s my vice, I’ll admit.

A few days ago, she starts acting suspect. My trust was gone but I was truly in denial that she would do that again and so soon. So I asked for her to bring home a UA from the drugstore. She comes home empty handed and admits that it would be dirty and that she has been using for a few weeks. Smoking street pills and meth since heroin is hard to find apparently at the moment. She’s currently withdrawing. Back on subs. And we are waiting for a bed to open up for inpatient.

I guess I am writing this because I do not want to enable her in any way. She has been conditioned by her parents who are both alcoholics/addicts her entire life. She’s had a relationship with heroin for nearly 20 years. Shes 33.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I want to be there for her but I cannot handle the lies and the babysitting. It’s like dating a fucking child. But when we are good, we are so good. She is literally the perfect partner and I really believe she just might be my soulmate. But, there’s this other bitch named heroin and she’s getting in the damn way of my future and what I see for myself.

Do I stick it out yet again even though I said I wouldn’t? She’s like a lost abused puppy and hard to turn your back on. She’s incredible. Fuck, she’s incredible when she’s sober and when she’s not. But I will not date someone doing drugs like these. I do not want to travel that road. I’m not the type to stick around. I am 100% capable of leaving. It’s never been a problem for me. I really just feel like she’s worth the effort.

Will I ever be able to fill that void? Will she? Is she emotionally unavailable?

She is fully ready for rehab and real sobriety. No alcohol. She’s admitted that is part of what caused her last relapse. I am also giving it up to support her as best I can. If there’s any advice from anyone out there at all, that would be helpful. Thanks for reading

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Codependency is a tough cookie to crumble, if shes ready for recovery she’ll get into treatment and stick with it. Sounds like shes been down that road long enough we usually know when we’re about to the end of that dead end road. We cant make someone want to be clean/sober they have to want it for themselves. Can lead a horse to water but cant make them drink. Hope she gets the help she needs to get off the sht too many people dyin, ODn, not to many happy places we end up if we keep using. :pray: God bless

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Right now, she’s literally not. However, she is willing to try inpatient? Me - I am sticking around for that if I love her and I see who she is underneath the drugs. I think I’d take a huge step back and be available but not a crutch. I worry that you want sobriety for her more than she does for herself.

20 years of use is no joke and her road will be long and it will be rough going. Her relationship with heroin has lasted far longer than the one she has with you.

She’s going to need to be completely imperfect in order to be better and to heal. Accepting that is tough.

I’d be looking into a support group for yourself, seeking out tools – Al-anon or others like it if they exist

Best wishes to you both.

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Hi Annie, it’s nice meeting you. I can feel the yearning in your words. That’s hard. That is hard.

There’s excellent advice above from Jonathan and Jené. To that I will add, I suggest you read the book Codependent No More. It is an eye opening read for partners of addicts.

This is a dictionary definition of codependency. It is an addiction if its own: an addiction to crisis, to the emotional and neurological thrills crisis and contradiction bring.

Everyone in life walks a path. We choose our paths, sometimes for conscious reasons, sometimes not. What’s the reason you’re gravitating to this type of relationship?

I don’t mean to be cruel here but I will be direct: she is not a perfect partner. She has a 20-year marriage with heroin and is having an affair with you. She has to commit to breaking the relationship with heroin and do the work to do so - and like any divorce after a long-term marriage, it takes time, often years, to truly end the relationship.

And then if/when you have a relationship with her, are you in it to be the sympathetic partner? The nurse? (And she the dependent one?) Or are you both in it to be two independent and courageous people, with mutual respect and trust, building lives together? Those are two very different dynamics.

If she was truly an independent, successful, driven, and self-determining person, would she seem as attractive and accessible to you emotionally? If I’m wrong with this question, I apologize (and that’s good because then the only problem here is my insensitivity). But if I’m not wrong, then you have some independent thinking & work to do.

Red flag red flag red flag (again I’m not trying to be unsupportive here - I am pointing out the red flags - these are textbook unhealthy codependent thoughts and behaviours)

You have the choice.

It’s not a hard and fast rule but in general it takes about a month of dedicated recovery work (for each year of using), every day, one day at a time, to truly say you’re stable in recovery. (And even then you can’t let your guard down or slack in the work.) 20 years of heroin for your current partner; 20 months of recovery work - almost two years - to be relatively stable.

She doesn’t need you to do the work. In fact, she’ll probably do it better if she’s not in a relationship; it makes the emotional road more manageable. Relationships are emotionally intense - and that complicates recovery.

You could argue the most supportive thing you could do for her is break up with her.

If you do decide to stay with her, join a support program for partners and family, like this one:

Take care and remember: you’re a good person, a worthy person, and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full, healthy self.

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Thank you for your words. I actually do have the book Codependency No More, put it down after a few pages and forgot about it. Guess it’s time to dust it off. Bought it after the first relapse…

I understand she’s not the perfect partner. I don’t want to sell you on how amazing she is outside of this addiction because this must be bigger than all of that. It’s a hard pill to swallow (no pun intended).

I can see the unhealthy codependency red flags. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want that kind of relationship. I appreciate you pointing it out. All of this has led me to be a total psycho. I am completely out of character, full of rage, controlling, and yet here I am trying to sympathize someone who is not ready for the relationship I am looking for… here I am trying to be compassionate to someone who manipulated and abused my trust time and time again…

A lot of her triggers are emotional ones. My emotions aren’t in check at the moment due to a radical hysterectomy I had to go through during her first relapse with me. So perhaps this is just not right, right now.

I guess I just thought we had a good foundation. But I missed the fact that she did not have a stable one of her own to begin with.

Thank you again

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It’s funny you say this because this whole relationship I have been trying to encourage her growth as an individual. I knew about her past, I just thought she was ready. I’ve always been a very independent person and I really tried to push her to do the same and to be successful because I really wanted it for the both of us. And to be fair, my motivations did work to an extent… you know, until they didn’t.

It’s hard, I really saw a future with us. Maybe one day, but for right now I think we probably need to focus on ourselves.

I do plan on being there for her throughout inpatient and her recovery. But I suppose I lost myself and need to do a bit of recovery on my own.

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Hi thank you for sharing. I can relate big time to being in a codependent situation with an addict (of heroin and meth). For me I was in love with a possibility and not reality. It didn’t really matter what anyone said, I knew it was wrong and not in my control but i kept trying. I kept allowing myself to get pulled back in for so many reasons.

Imo, if she’s already started the crazy cycle, it’s probably not going to end any time some and you’ll be stuck in it if you continue to try with her…Things will be so good then she’ll start acting weird, she’ll probably start to gaslight you + manipulate you + lie to you (+ who knows what she’s doing behind your back to get drugs or while she’s high), you’ll be paranoid and then finally call her out, everything will blow up, then she’ll come down which is a crazy cycle in itself, then she’ll promise you everything, you’ll forgive her or believe her at least, then things will be good again…etc.

My experience with this was truly traumatizing and really took a toll on my psyche. It really broke me and I’m still recovering from the mess I kept myself in.

If she’s been addicted for 20 years, I would suggest letting her go. If you feel you’re really meant to be, then hopefully she’ll get some real sober time under her belt (like a year at least) and maybe then you will find each other again.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk or if you decide to stay with her. It might help to have a friend that can relate and validate your experience… you aren’t alone.

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Thank you for this. I agree about taking a step back and not being a crutch. She’s always had her family who still actively uses to hold her hand and I don’t want to hold her hand down this road. She needs to be able to do it herself. She needs to find the strength on her own.

She’s wept to me, “this isn’t who I am, I’m not this person”. And I just can’t help but to think, okay but is this who you are going to continue to be? Who you are repeatedly more than willing to be… sabotaging everyone and everything to be this person. Can you actually see yourself not being this person?

I’ve come to realize in my 35 years that most people see themselves entirely different than how other people view them. Most people feel they are a good person and then they continually shit on the people around them or do things that make people think differently. Seems like everyone keeps themselves on a higher pedestal… I know I can be guilty of that too.

I know she doesn’t want to be a drug addict. She has been in and out of rehabs her whole life. She’s a functional heroin addict who doesn’t have the coping skills to deal with everyday life. I hope she is finally tired of being tired.

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Thank you. I appreciate you. I really hope this is the end of her road but we shall see. I can’t hold her hand any longer. She needs to be able to do the work for herself.

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Thank you! Seems like the same story! I’d like to get into this more but I’m off to work. I will be responding to this later.

Thank you again, seriously.

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