As I’m sure most of our stories go, my steps toward sobriety came with a break up. It was messy and sudden. I feel embarrassed to have to ask advise about this because it seems immature. But I’ve tried all the obvious solutions and still can’t shake it. I have talked it out, tried hobbies, I count my blessings, tried to accept it just wasn’t meant to be, give time time, etc. It’s been almost a year. But my head is still obsessing and I still get emotional about it. No matter how much I practice the solutions most of my thoughts still find their way to her somehow. Any experiences, ideas, or advice please. I need more perspective.
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Well luke,I have been with my wife for 18 years and 5 children,I of which came with a short 2 week break and she ended up pregnant!I still stayed,I love her.The use between is continued and things fell apart,I ended up going to rehab to get myself together.Upon that,she was still using,lost the house,signed over the kids and said it was over.All while I was in rehab mind you.Now 5 months sober,and her 3 months, she’s still taalki g to other guys and were supposed to be working things out,but it’s hard to concentrate on my sobriety separate from hers.i know,the trust is gone between us now.We see each other once a week,and even though i miss her,I can’t get past what has happened,not that I’m a saint in any respect, but now that I’m clear headed,and time is going by.Im starting to wonder if it is right anymore,we can’t do it just because of the kids.If you do t have kids involved your lucky
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I can relate. Something similar happened to me. And I waisted a lot of time waiting for her to come back. 6 years later, she finally did but married. I dated a bit but held out for something that was only in my mind. She may love you but that doesn’t matter right now. I know I can’t forget those I love and no one is asking you too. You too are different people then you were. Maybe it’s written in the stars that we only have one soul mate, maybe it’s not. Today, beome a someone that makes great people want to be around you and the rest falls into place. This is what I tell myself because that’s all I can do at this point. I hope this helps. This too shall pass.
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i was married for 15 years to my first wife went to a meeting a week after we split she married her boyfriend 2 years later i was sober meet my wife today Sheila when i was 8 years sober married now for 24 years july past still sober life goes on been a great journe wish you well
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Thank you all. Dating and finding someone worth while would be the most effective distraction. But my confidence is still pretty low so making that approach is difficult. I’m trying the superficial swipe dating apps but that has not panned out. Ultimately I feel like it’s unfair to whomever I do finally go on a date with, especially if it goes well, because I still don’t feel totally over the last relationship. Idk I know dating should be the last thing I’m worried about. But companionship, even just for an evening, beyond family and friends is a very nice feeling. Anyway. I guess I’ll have to just keep plugging along.
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@Green419 I to know the feeling have you ever loved someone so much that it kills from the insude out… Through all of the pain I endured watching someone I love and trusted with my life make out with women in front of me being so drunk not knowing I was watching and said it never happened. I still stayed with him. Never coming home from the bar till 4 in the morning not knowing weather or not he was alive scared to death. It drove me down a path I never wanted to go. He is now sober for 6 months now and is doing great so proud of who he is becoming, the man he was meant to be. I am struggling still and yes messed up a couple of times but who is perfect! Maybe your wife is working through more than you can imagine she gave you 18 years of her time are ready to give up on her for a couple months ? Thats a question you should meditate on!
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Kind of like addiction shes romancing other relationships and @Green419 is putting his all in to fix not romancing. That addict that romances that next drink,hit or line is going to relapse when conditions are right. The other would still be solid . Should he stick around waiting for someone that may never change just for kids. No he needs to be happy and his kids need to see that.
So you’re saying because I gave him 18 years of my time and patience, and he never wanted to get sober for me or the kids, it’s okay now. When the entire time I begged and pleaded! But when I an trying to get sober from the aftermath it’s different. So you are saying it was okay for him to make out with other women while using right in front of me, but if im talking to other men it’s different! Wow that’s amazing! I never looked at it that way… Thabks
Uam his wife and there is 2 side’s to every story especially as addicts when we need to be honest with ourselves and others! And with full disclosure of the actual events at hand. When we can’t be honest and even not telling the whole truth we will never get and stay sober. Honesty waa never his strong suit!! Period it starts when you as a man are ready to be and stay sober especially when you want me honest! Ive been romancing the idea of a sober and honest husband for 18 years. With our five kids it still wasn’t enough. It drove me into oblivion. I didnt lose thr house I was a stay at home mother of five for the past 6 years! Since the birth of our twins… I can’t say that ive been sober for the entire time but for the last year it got worse between the using and drinking But Again im the bad guy!!
Defininatly a difficult situation to deal with. As you both have a past to amends as you did not have to wait for him to get sober. You cant live in the past and need to amend it. Turn the page and start over if you want it to work and both give equal effort in the relationship. You both can only work on today and your future. Its your choice to stay as much as it is his.
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Thank you. I would rather bury the book and start a new one instead!
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I can tell you this, as a man who married young (21), was married 9 years (separated for 2 of them), divorced, remarried, and am now looking at 20 years of being happily married: Don’t keep a scorecard. My ex-wife and I were meticulous scorekeepers. Who’s ahead, who’s behind, and by how much. Simple disagreements turned into long battles, as we recounted every sin and wrong the other had committed, back to the beginning, as if proving the other was a worse offender, would somehow elevate our own position. Instead of getting to the high-ground, it was throwing each other down the hill. Lousy way to run a relationship, and the results prove it.
I vowed never to keep a scorecard when I met my now-wife. When she realized that I never kept score, guess what? She didn’t either. When we have disagreements, as all couples do, it is about the issue at hand. Anger cools off quicker. Each knows that every mistake or wrong will be dealt with in the moment, and won’t be used as a club to bludgeon each other later on.
You can wipe his slate clean. You can say “this is a new day”. You can work on being the best You, that you can possibly be. He has a choice. He can wipe your slate clean, and work on himself. You can each inspire the other to get better at getting better, each and every day.
Or, you can cut your loses, go through the pain of a divorce, pick up the pieces, and try to rebuild. Just know that this ain’t easy. As a matter of fact, it’s soul-crushingly hard, even when the relationship was unsalvageable.
Of course, your mileage may vary. Just sharing what my trip was like.
Peace.
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Thank you so much that is great advice to have received. And is truly helpful… I know that I was far from perfect in our marriage I Love him wholeheartedly despite what we have been through. He has an amazing heart always has! Wr have stood by each other in worse times then this. But to go through recovery I think this will be the toughest emotionally for me especially!.
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Panic is setting in I cant breathe!
A lot is going on and I don’t know how to handle it I am trying to be at peace with his decision at this point. He gave me space when I needed mine and once I became clear headed and sober I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to be… I gave up when things got bad I didnt want to feel pain any more. But now that I am sober I still have that pain rising in my throat every day! Causing huge Panic I scream for him into my pillow out loud nd in my thoughts. I am trying to be patient for him now it’s just so difficult and the same pain I,felt when he left for rehab 6 months ago. I did not Real with it then. But I have no choice but to deal with it now… I,made the biggest mistake of my life because of my anger in that situation! I acted out on fear. I just pray that I can be given a second chance to make things right. This man is my soulmate and is cheering me on still I am greatful for him being in my life. Because of him I can now take my recovery process seriously. Pain and Panic and all! I love him wiyh all my soul I wont give up with out a fight 
I definitely dont plan on using at all! I have no craving for that! I am 
% on this journey to stay clean. The emotions I’m feeling are for my husband the man ive been with for 18 and a half year the father of our 5 children I am all in to stay sober! I’m just trying to practice patience and learning how to give space when it’s needed it is overwhelming and sends me into panic mode! Because for 18 and half years we have spent every day together, every night. I am greatful for the time we Do spend together now. And the conversations we have are deep and meaningful! When I was using I didn’t feel anything now I feel everything some things good and something’s bad. Knowing I have him in my corner cheering me on makes me feel loved like never before. Takes my fears away. Knowing above all we have each others back no matter what we go through! We have been through hell and high water together and our love has stood the test of trials and tribulations and nothing can take that away ever!
Emotions are gonna be on a roller coaster for a month or so. As you already know… only time can heal these problems old betrayal n lies you have done. You have been together for 18yrs and im sure many more to come. You dont need to smother him to try to win his confidence or love for u over. Only time and your actions will prove to him. Have you ever looked into couples counseling?
Who says I’m smothering?
Him by being sorry or trying to force urself to be extra nice to win his trust over. Over doing this can sometimes look bad on you later on. as you may fade off giving the same attention as your life may get busier… Just be yourself… If you understand what im saying… What your looking for only time being sober and loyal can heal…
My story to a tee, u gave me chills reading it! I love to find how alike we humans are.
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