Recently, there’s been some discussion in other threads about lust (sex, porn, love, masterbation) addicts feeling alone here. I wanted to start a new thread for those of us that are comfortable being open about the nature of our problem to post our experiences. I’m also having a rough day and posting this will hopefully get my head right.
While I’d like to post my first step here, I think that would have the potential to be a big trigger to some folks (and I’m afraid you’d all see me as a total monster and ban me). So, if you’re here and struggling with lust, PM me and I’ll share my first step with you.
In lieu of that, someone else on the forum gave me the idea about a month ago to create a list of reasons to stay sober, so here it is, maybe it will help some of you.
I want to be sober
I deserve to be sober
I get to wake up every morning with no regrets
I am free from lies
I like who I am when I’m sober
I get to be happy when I’m sober
I get to live without shame
I am free from dark thoughts
I feel like I can accept God’s grace
I get to show my wife that I love her
I worship God by staying sober and progressing in my recovery.
I went for a walk at work this afternoon just to get away from my cube for a few minutes and I’m an attempt to be a bit healthier. Halfway through I ran into a woman that works in my office and she asked if she could join me. I said yes to be polite, but she is kind of triggering for me. Nothing has ever happened there and I don’t think she’s remotely interested in me.
Interested to get thoughts from you all. Do you have similar experiences with your own DOCs? Did I do the wrong thing?
I try to use @Yoda-Stevie’s tool in these situations. Would my wife have a problem with it? Before she knew about my addiction, no, but that may be different now.
Brother…I think you know the answer. You admit she’s kind of “triggering” which I read as you find her attractive. Perfectly normal to be attracted to someone else, even if you are married or in an otherwise committed relationship. Nothing bad or shameful.
Where we cross the line (IMHO) is when we “indulge” the attraction. The walk “just to be polite” is inviting the next thing. Maybe lunch. You get to know eachother better, maybe discuss personal things. You “understand eachother”…and you feed the ego. You consider or fantasize about “what if”… I’ve seen it “just happen” plenty of times.
Best to keep the distance. Polite but detached. Next time if she asks to join you, say " I really need to be alone with my thoughts for a bit".
This morning at work I was struggling a little bit… ok, fine, a lot. A voice in my head kept telling me to go browse provocative photos on a certain website. That voice telling me, “it’s ok, it’s not a porn site.”
It’s not ok. That would be the beginning of a slippery slope I would fall down fast. I reached out to my sponsor and surrendered it. Put on my headphones and turned it up to 11. It’s been a good day. Grateful to be sober.
Sitting at my desk this afternoon, having that same old feeling, “How will I be able to make it through the next few hours without acting out?” (Looking at porn and masterbating)
This has been a pattern at work in the afternoon. And a few minutes ago I had the thought, “Maybe I just need to relapse so I can get back to square one. Because a relapse seems inevitable with these urges every day.”
But then I asked myself why that reset would be beneficial. I know if I act out I’m going to have all these feelings of guilt and shame. I think subconsciously I’m having an urge to act out because I want to feel shitty about myself. I’ve been making so much progress but I think I’m still learning to love myself.
Maybe I’m over analyzing… Idk, seemed like a thing to share with all of you.
Dude those thoughts are awful. All that stuff about it being inevitable? About it being easier? Rough stuff. You never know when you’ll make a new record. That’s something I try to think about, and I don’t want to sabotage that. And I think you’re probably right about feeling lousy and learning to love yourself, I was kinda thinking the same thing.
Kudos dude. Good luck.
Last night I came closer to a relapse than I have since getting back into the program. I was home alone, watching TV, pulled out my phone and started browsing some old porn sites I used to visit. I don’t think I was on for even 5 minutes. I felt nauseous. I didn’t masterbate. I turned off everything, went straight to bed, didn’t even brush my teeth.
This morning I feel really shitty about it, and a little sick to my stomach. I called my sponsor. He told me to focus on the great work I’ve been doing the last four months, make an inventory of my thoughts from last night, and forge ahead. He said it’s up to me if I want to reset, by the SA guidelines, it wasn’t a relapse. So I’m not resetting unless this becomes a pattern. Hope you’re all having a fine day.
I had every opportunity to act out tonight and it barely crossed my mind. At one time I would have planned my whole night around it. I’m so grateful to have friends inside and outside of SA that check-in on me.
“I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be sober.” How I open with prayer to my higher power every morning.
Hi, I’m new here. I’m glad there are other people with this problem here that I can connect with. I got rid of internet from my phone, thinking it would help, but I’ve still found ways to act out. I’m ready for change! Thanks for setting up a thread to connect us here!
Hey @TheTwilightRunner, welcome to the forum. I haven’t tried getting rid of internet before, but I’ve tried other things… Blocking websites, setting parental controls, one service where it would email my accountability partner if I looked at porn… None of it ever stopped me, I always found a way around it. I don’t try creating boundaries like that anymore.
Glad to say I’m over 4 months sober, working my program, and getting lots of encouragement here. Keep coming back.
That’s fair. I’m glad boundaries have worked for you. I guess they just didn’t for me.
You’ve read and posted so you’re in! I don’t think there’s a way to “join” a thread… I check the app often enough that I usually see if someone’s posted in this or another porn/masterbation/lust thread. Not sure if there’s a way to set push notifications for a thread…
Sorry, I guess I kind of misworded. You’re right. The boundaries are needed, and I definitely am using boundaries, but some of the things I’ve used have just made me want to act out more and find a way around them. I think it might be because I’ve been trying to rely on the internet blocks for everything, and I’ve been neglecting to work on myself. I don’t know. I’m trying to find a balance right now with them.
I may have to agree. Obviously there has to be boundaries, but trying to block myself from using always results in me finding a creative way to find the porn. It’s everywhere. Inescapable. The only option is self restraint and support of God and loved ones. I’m personally working one day of sobriety myself. It’s difficult.
That being said, I’d never ever put myself alone with a member of the opposite sex. Just avoiding the appearance of evil is important.