Wise. There is nothing real to gain from a rekindled relationship with someone from your past, beyond a bit of ego-stroking. It is natural to be curious as to what former flames are up to, what they look like today, and easy for the mind to play out “what if” scenarios.
We need to live in reality. For better or worse, no matter where you go, there you are. The reality of this situation is that woman is probably going through a rough patch in her life, and playing the “what if” game in her own mind. It will profit her nothing, and keep her from dealing with her reality.
And a tip: Ditch the social media. Really. If you have to have it for work or a business, brand your account as such. Personal accounts leave the door open. The best way to avoid a punch in the face, is to not be there to get hit. I ditched FB 5 years ago. No regrets. I have a linkedin for work, but all I ever do with it is update my job history. No twitter, friendface, wassapp, tinder, Google+. Just this forum, and my wife knows she can check this anytime. She hasn’t, that I know of, but knows I have nothing to hide.
Third for everything @Yoda-Stevie and @MikeSeekingHope just said. Being honest with my spouse has certainly been difficult. Changing how we act in the world is important though. You would never want to go walk down into gang territory wearing their rival’s colors. Do not put yourself in compromised situations.
Learn to predict what will happen with your choices. If you text your ex, it will certainly lead to something bad. If you’re a bible reader (even if you’re not), learn from Joseph of Egypt. When presented with the possibility of sleeping with Potiphar’s wife, he got him out. Literally fled the situation, even leaving his clothes behind. Run away from it.
Conversely, King David, who ought to have been out at war with his armies stayed home instead. He saw Bathsheba while standing on the roof. Instead of running like Joseph, he stayed. One bad decision to be in the wrong place caused him to make a long series of bad decisions.
I had a dream about acting out last night. This isn’t terribly uncommon for me, but now that I’m awake the images from the dream are still clear in my mind, that is uncommon. In the dream I was in a small position of power over a woman and used that to manipulate her into a sexual act. I find myself now awake feeling both shamed and triggered. On the rare occasion that I remember these dreams clearly, the woman is a stranger to me. She’s no one I know in the real world and is unique from others I’ve created in dreams prior.
I guess I just needed to come here and dump my thoughts so they weren’t in my head and left to their own devices. And if anyone is a dream expert and knows how I conjure these women, let me know. It disturbs me.
Sorry that I am not a dream expert, but I think we all know that your mind will try to trick in many different ways.
I posted my story on another thread, which I know some of you have responded to and I appreciate it.
I just discovered this one and I just wanted to chime in and say what a good idea this is because it really helps to see that others experiencing the the same things and how they deal with it.
Not abnormal at all. It’s happened to me as well. The dreams I’ve had have been about specific women or faceless women. Usually women from my past. Same thing, I wake up feel ashamed and guilty. As if I actually relapsed. It’s crazy.
I shared with another member of the forum this morning and thought I’d post it for the masses too.
In the last few weeks as I’ve been busy prepping the house for sale, I’ve felt complacency creeping in. Occasionally hearing that voice in my head saying that it’s ok to take one look or it’s ok to let my brain conjure one fantasy. I hope that naming and sharing it helps. I’m wide open to any advice you good folks have.
Look at yourself and figure out what might be going on that had you thinking those thoughts, if I were to guess I’d say you’re simply tired. Remember HALT hungry, angry, lonely and tired are 4 of the addicts worst enemy’s. Take the time, as hard as it is, to take care of yourself!
Hang in there, you can do it!
Hey dude. I know I’m coming in a little late on this but I just read this again after I meant to write the other day. Sounds like you’re getting ready to sell your house? For me that would be a great Petri dish for fear and anxiety to grow. Two huge triggers. Being uncomfortable causes me to want to go back and hide in the addiction where nothing changes and I don’t have to feel my feelings. Lately, since I’ve cared about my sobriety, when I feel uncomfortable I reach out and talk to someone about it. I find that finding my real feelings and dealing with them rather than just telling myself I shouldn’t feel this way is the only way to get through them.
Maybe hit up an extra meeting? Spend some time with group members? I keep asking myself “what am I looking for in porn? What am I trying to get that it will never deliver?” Then I find out where I can get what I need. My thoughts are with you man. You helped me so much when I first showed up, I hope I can help you, too.
It’s all about stress for me. The more stressed I am, the more st risk I am. Since joining TS, I’ve dumped my free time when I’m stressed into talking it out here. I totally get where you’re coming from.
Last night my wife told me that she’s worried about me relapsing in the midst of the stress of moving. I’m worried too. I had a really disturbing relapse dream last night and woke up feeling like I’d done something awful. I’m trying not to isolate but that’s also my default setting when I’m stressed. I haven’t been to a meeting in two weeks and it’ll be at least another week before I have the opportunity to go.
I just feel exhausted right now. The thought of relapsing makes me feel sick but I’m struggling to cope in a healthy manner.
Reach out to someone that goes to the meetings you attend even if it’s just for a short call. Take the 10 minute breaks life gives you and do nothing but clear your mind and try to meditate.
As for the dream, it was just that a dream! The only way it can hurt you is if you turn it into reality.
Been there with the guilty dreams. Not your fault. Your addict brain is desperate for the endorphins, it will do anything to try to get your to relapse. My prayers are with you. Take extra time every morning to study. Study recovery material, scripture, history. If you could do it with your wife, it would be better. If you stand United, you will not fall.
Hey man. If you’re in doubt look at the life of Peter. He was impulsive, fearful and talked before thinking too much. He denied Christ with a heads up from Jesus himself and even through all of that failure he was used and became a great leader because he knew the taste of failure. He even took Mark when Paul himself didn’t want him anymore and told him the story of Jesus from his point of view and that’s how we have the Gospel according to Mark which to be more precise would be according to Peter. So don’t give up. I’ve seen that a lot of people who struggle are more compassionate with others because they understand pain, frustration and defeat and don’t want the same for others or at least try to help them. Keep studying and share what you gain even if you think is insignificant. John Bunyon wrote the Pilgrims Progress thinking was a small thing. Today is considered one of the best allegorical christian book of all times.
I too am struggling immensely (really only with porn, masturbation, and lustful thoughts - I couldn’t get a wife if my life depended on it! Probably for good reason). I keep resetting the app for my masturbation time after no longer than two weeks (and usually within a day).
I gave my life to the Lord two years ago but still struggle more than I can bear - it’s like what I imagine a heroin addiction to be like, and my experience has been FAR worse than alcohol withdrawal.
Can you PM me for that first step, and some of the things you’ve done since? Thanks, and I wish you well on your road of recovery!
Personally I have found it helpful to work with my counsellor on some of the internal things that I have neglected, which are enabling the porn use, including my misunderstandings and neglect of healthy vulnerability, healthy attachment, and healthy intimacy (emotionally; all these things, we can learn and practice them in healthy family and friendship relationships). It has taken time and it is still a work in progress; as the old expression goes, if you walk a mile into the forest, you need to walk a mile out.
Part of it is also just determination and persistence. That voice to use will whisper in my ear. I use recovery friends (I was in a recovery group and still maintain those friendships), I use a mirror (or the selfie cam on my phone) and talk to myself (I repeat my determination: “I will not __”), I “move a muscle, change a thought” by going for a walk or changing my space. The urges always pass.
Thank you so much, Matt! I struggle with friendships with women (and occasionally men), but I feel like women baffle me and I don’t want to be their friend, despite knowing that sometimes I really need to be and nothing more.
Also, dating in the Church is really hard and limiting, so I’m trying to exercise patience there. After all, I’ve come to learn that everything happens:
