Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock the traffic.
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Hah! I’m using that one! 
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I’m 42 years old and am not gonna wait to wear adult diapers. Carpe diem!
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"Note to self: ALWAYS consider previous statement before hanging out with Steve.21…I guess the decision DEPENDS on your mood!!! ~giggles~
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Got this from my step-MIL. 
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky opened up above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, ‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. 'God replied, ‘Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’
The biker thought and thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing’s wrong, why they snap and complain when I offer to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’
God replied, 'You want that bridge with two lanes or four lanes?’
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“How would you like your hair cut?” the barber asked. “In silence, thanks.”
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Why are there gates around cemetaries? Because people are dying to get in.
Why should you knock on a refrigerator before opening the door? In case there’s a salad dressing.
Whats the warmest part of a room? The corner because it’s usually 90 degrees.
Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9.
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Man walks into a bar, orders a drink.
Voice shouts ‘I like your style!’
No-one there.
Voice shouts ‘Bet you’re a great Dad!’
No-one.
Man, now concerned, whispers to bartender '‘who’s shouting at me?’
‘The nuts, they’re complimentary’.
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I came home from work and my wife had dinner served, I asked her " is this take out" ? She replied NO WHY DO YOU ASK? I said because as soon as I tasted it I wanted to TAKE IT OUT!
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A rabbi, a priest and a nun walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
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We need some laughter in our lives - bumping this thread
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.” “That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!” “That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets." “That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!
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Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”
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Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”
Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”
Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”
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Here’s one…
What do you call a person who writes songs about sewing machines?
A SINGER songwriter!
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Yes!!! Keep em coming 
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What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back to you?
A stick.
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Thank you !!!
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Do you know why hummingbirds hum?
Because they don’t know the words.
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