See you did get the funny gene
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it’s a soap opera.
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What goes ninety-nine THUMP!, ninety-nine THUMP! ?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re here.” The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard the voice again, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he asked the parrot. “Yes,” the parrot confessed, “I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.” The burglar was relieved. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. The burglar laughed and said, “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?” “The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.
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An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. “I bet you $2,000 I can bite my own eye!” The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task.
The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there’s no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees.
The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, “I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop.”
The agent knows he won’t be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork.
The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. “Are you all right?” asks the agent. “No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you’d be happy about it!”
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Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer, the lawyer tells him “Mickey I’m sorry, but you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s crazy”
Mickey says “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy”
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Thats funny!!
Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
They just wash up on shore.
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Very funny . Loved presentation!
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AAAH Shit - that was hilarious! thank you for sharing…
What did the coffee report to the police?
A mugging.
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Hey girl. Hope you are well…missing your daily jokes
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
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What did the grape say when it got squished?
Nothing, it just let out a little w(h)ine.
Hey Jazz. Thanks for thinking of me and checking in. If I know myself, and I’m starting to, as soon as something becomes a responsibility or an obligation I will try to dodge it. But I’m here. 
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved. 
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Oh i can totally understand that appreciate the jokes 
— glad you are here!!!
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor’s only to find he didn’t have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.
1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer
“Well, today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.”
After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, “I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested.”
The priest said, “I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the
church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave.”
Well, the lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!
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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation
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nice one 
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."
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An old religious woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. Everything is fine until she brings it home. It begins to swear uncontrollably. F this, F that, F you and finally the lady can stand it no more. She grabs the bird, shoves it in the freezer, and slams the door shut. Squawking, shrieking, pounding, and cursing come out of the freezer for a few moments and then it goes quiet.
The woman is scared that she has hurt the bird and opens the freezer. The parrot walks calmly out and steps gently onto the woman’s outstretched hand. He looks into the lady’s eyes and says "Ma’am, I am truly sorry if my language offended you and it will not recur. If I may ask, what did the chicken do?
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A man with a stutter died in prison…
Before he could finish his sentence.
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice…say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.
‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I’m Moses.’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’
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I just made this one up, so no gaurantees…
Why was Vincent van Gough such a good friend to have?
Because he was so wiiling to lend you a listening EAR.
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OK William for the win – how is it that i was laughing just from your first line before even reading the joke – Thank you! You are hilarious
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
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Do you know why Anteaters never get sick?
Because they’re always full of ANTibodies.
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Another nice one for sure!
Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie!
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