Just read about …
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is one of the longest words in the dictionary, and ironically, it means the fear of long words 
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blonde men jokes – nice change of pace 
A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.
He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, “Honey, if there’s anything I can do to make you happy, tell me.”
The preacher answered, “You know, dear, there’s that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called “your little secret” in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I’m about to go home to be with the Lord, why don’t you show me what’s in that secret box of yours?”
The preacher’s wife got out the box and opened the lid.
It contained $10,000 and three eggs.
“What are those eggs doing in the box?” the preacher asked. “Well, Honey,” she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box.
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.
“And what about that $10,000?”" he asked.
“Oh, you see,” she whispered softly, “every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I . . . ummm . . . sold them . . . and put a dollar in the box.”
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Did you hear the one about the blonde guy who had to call AAA because he locked himself inside his car?
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is very heavy and the other ones a little lighter.
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A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.
A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“
The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.
“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.
“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“
“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”
The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.
A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.
The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.
A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.
The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“
The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.
“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity
The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“
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Robert went to his lawyer and said, ‘I would like to make a will but I don’t
know exactly how to go about it.’ The lawyer smiled at Robert and
replied, ‘Not a problem, leave it all to me.’
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, ‘Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!’
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What do you get when you cross an abalone with a crocodile?
Either an abodile, or a croc-a-baloney!
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How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
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What do you get when you cross and Elephant with a Rhino?
HellifIknow!
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I like how he does his little kitty “crunches”. 
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Yup that and the kissing of his muscles - that killed me 
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My wife asked me if id seen the dig bowl
I replied- i never knew that he did.
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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Radio.
Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The.
The Who?
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! (in the style of “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who)
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What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and legs.
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The other day I met a man who told me he was a mushroom salesman.
Over all, he seemed like a fungi.
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