An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a sperm sample and gives him a jar saying, “Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a sperm sample.”
The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him.
So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, “Well, doc, it’s like this… first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand – nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, “You asked your neighbor???”
The old man replies, “Yep, not one of us could get the jar open.”
A man goes to the beach, and he sets himself up to show off his new beach bod. A few women glance his way, but none strike up a conversation. He looks a little ways down the beach to see lots of women around an older guy who is nowhere near as chiseled as him.
As the crowd disperses, the man approaches his competition and asks the older man what his secret is.
“Sure, I’ll tell you! It’s real easy. First thing I do before stepping out onto the beach is put a potato in my Speedo. It’s a real eye catcher, if you know what I mean!”
Seeing the older man’s success, he decides to give it a try. The next morning he stops at the market and buys the biggest potato he could find and heads off to the beach. He sets himself up like the day before and puts the potato in his Speedo, but now even less women are glancing at him. Some are even making comments under their breath.
Confused, the man finds the older man from the day before and asks what gives.
“I did it just like you said, stuffed the potato in my Speedo and everything!”
The older man shakes his head in disgust.
“You idiot! You’re supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!”
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello!
Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?
Man: Yes.
Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?
Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.
Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked.
Man: How much?
Woman: $90,000
Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options.
Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it.
Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want.
Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much!
Man: Bye, I love you too.
The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
Why do elephants wear green sneakers?
So they can hide in the bushes.
Why do elephants wear white sneakers?
So they can jump from tree to tree?
Why do elephants wear yellow sneakers?
So they can hide upside down on your custard. (Wait, what? Haven’t you ever found an elephant hiding upside down in your custard? Works well, then, doesn’t it?)
Now, this one sounds waaaay better in the original language, but I’ll do my best.
It’s winter. It’s freezing. A sparrow falls from its nest on the cold, cold ground. He’s already half dead when a cow passes above him and shits on the almost frozen poor bird.
The cow’s dung is warm and the sparrow feels better. Relaxed in this big, cozy pile of dung when moments ago he was about to die, the sparrow starts chirping happily. The world seems a great place.
Hearing the happy singing, a cat arrives and eats the sparrow in one bite.
Moral(s) of the story:
not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
