damn- OUCH
How much do dead batteries cost?
There should be no charge
2 Likes
Glad i could help. Goodnight! 
1 Like
Why don’t dinosaurs talk?
Because they’re dead.
4 Likes
Man i laughed for 10 minutes
Where was King David’s temple located?
Behind his ear. 
2 Likes
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.
“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.” She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, "They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
12 Likes
Shelly is a perfectionist. Shelly decides to build a house, measures everything not twice, but three times! Foundation is dug and poured, framing and sheathing and siding is erected, roof installed, doors, stairs, everything, figured down to the last nail and screw.
The house is finished and Shelly is talking her last walk-through before moving in. Beautiful home she made for herself! Shelly walks around the house, to the backyard and the brick patio. Beside the patio is one left over brick! She can’t believe it! She triple checked everything! She checks the patio, and all the brick work is in place, this one is truly left over! Shelly flies into a rage, grabs the brick and flings it in the air with all her might!
2 Likes
A man and a woman board a flight. The man is smoking a cigar and the woman has a little dog. The man says to the woman “You shouldn’t have that dog on a plane! Get rid of it!”. The woman responds “You can’t be smoking on this plan, you get rid of your cigar!”. After much back and forth “Cigar!” “Dog!” “Cigar!” “Dog!” “Cigar!” “Dog!” - they come to an agreement. They open the window (magic plane, by the way) and toss out the dog and the cigar. To their amazement, the dog drops out of view then floats back up again! And of course, in his mouth, is the brick from the other joke.
4 Likes
2 blondes are hiking in the forest when they come across a set of tracks. The first blonde says “I know these tracks, these are deer tracks”. The second blonde looks at her incredulously and says “deer tracks? These aren’t deer tracks, I’ve seen these tracks before and these are bear tracks”.
They argue back and forth for a while
DEER TRACKS
BEAR TRACKS
DEER TRACKS
BEAR TRACKS
DEER TRACKS
BEAR TRACKS
and Bam!
Train hits them.
7 Likes
lol Thats a good one!)
WTF?? 
Ten characters
It’s a real old chestnut, the “brick from the other joke” joke.
1 Like
I’ve never heard of it! I guess our joke tradition is different LOL. This opens up soooo many avenues 
2 Likes
What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?
…
Dad: “Can I see your report card, son?”
Son: “I don’t have it.”
Dad: “Why?”
Son: “I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.”
7 Likes
A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replies, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
8 Likes
Brilliant. 
1 Like