What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They’re both on a mission to Uranus, to wipe out the Klingons.
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A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, ”The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
”Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.
”Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, ”we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?
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A guy goes to his doctor for a checkup. The doctor says, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample, a blood sample, and a semen sample.”
Dude says, " I’m in hurry doc, can I just give you my underwear?"
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A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, an ambulance killed her.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years?
Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?”
God replied, "Girl, I didn’t recognize you”
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One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, “Why are you home so early?”
He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.”
She said, “Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?”
Jimmy replied, “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?’”
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Suddenly lost my appetite for good LOL
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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
“Wow, these seats are big!”
The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed,
“Wow these mugs are big!”
The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied,
“Second door to the right.”
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
“Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
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Just remember: the first one who smelt it DEALT it, and the first one who denied it SUPPLIED it!
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OK, this is dumb…
What color is a burp?
BURPLE!!!
2 Likes
Hey dumb and cheesy are great as long as they get a chuckle which this sure did 
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ok - here’s a cheesy one for you…
A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard on Halloween when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it’s coming from.
She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, “Ludwig van Beethoven.”
Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.
Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.
By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard’s caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about” says the caretaker. “He’s just decomposing!!”
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A decomposing composer. Love it! 
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Did you hear about the celery that got arrested?
He was charged with stalking.
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While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
“Yes,” he replied.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
“In 1952.”
“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then asked, “What did you teach?”
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Ouch! 
Time stands still for no one.
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Gotta love Ismo. He has such a witty way of playing with words and customs.
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I just blame the cat. 
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nice – poor kitty 
Why won’t the skeleton fart in public?
He doesn’t have the guts.
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Four retired ladies are playing bridge.
One of them looks across at her partner and says, “I know we’ve been playing bridge every week for two years, but I can’t remember your name. Could you please tell me again?”
Her partner looks at her for a long moment and finally replies, “How soon do you need to know?”
3 Likes