Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
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What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1.
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Why did the bicycle fall over??
It was tired! 
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What did the egg say to the water?
I might take a while to get hard cos I’ve just been laid by a chick!
(I was told this by a 10 year old at a school sports event the other day)
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Out of the mouths of babes! 
Why were they called the “dark ages?”
Because there were a lot of knights.
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Why are toilets always so good at poker?
They always get a flush
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Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
It got fired.
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What’s green and likes to sing?
Elvis Parsley.
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Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks!
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How does “The Rock” pee?
He Dwayne’s his Johnson
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I was offered 8 legs of venison for £50 the other day……I thought that’s two dear!
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In the car the other day all I could hear was this constant whiny noise, I pulled over and my wife got out to check the engine so I drove away.
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What do you call a mac & cheese that gets all up in your face?
Too close for comfort food.
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Why did the seafood chef stop going to the gym?
He pulled a mussel.
What do you call an argument between two vegans?
Not “beef,” just two people with bad tempehs .
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If you run in front of a car you might get tired, but if you run behind a car you’ll get exhausted!
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Paula, a mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter
Janet’s plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find
adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula
noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic
markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. Janet introduced
this man as her new husband.
Paula gasped out loud in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, ‘I
said for you to marry a rich Doctor … a rich Doctor!’
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Awesome! 
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