Dig it! 
I’ve been in a diet for a month….
I lost thirty days.
- I’m reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can’t put it down!
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up. But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
Today I saw a guy in the tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.
Returned a sander.
What was one of Elvis’s duties when he served in the Army?
Looking for suspicious mines.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Priceless! 
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet.
It was clogged.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!
Did you know that, at one time, McDonald’s was going to sell hot dogs? It was a failed idea, though, because nobody wanted to buy the “McWeenie”.
The other day I ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s.
His parents were pretty irate.
Whats the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
One will see you after awhile and one will see you later.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
Because they always take things literally
