I asked my grandpa, "after 65 years of marriage you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey, what’s your secret?
Grandpa: “I forgot her name 5 years ago and i’m scared to ask her”
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What happened to the wine waiter that didn’t shower?
He got sommelier and sommelier
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Clever! 
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This guy offered me a go on his ice rink for $1.
I thought “What a cheap skate.”
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Who were the greenest Presidents in U.S. history?
The Bushes.
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If he were alive, what would Elvis be doing now?
Clawing at the inside of his coffin.
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I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I am OK.
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Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
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Rest in peace, boiling water. You will be mist.
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